And In A Marketing Sort Of Way

My Designer website.

Turning The Corner

At Playbill this evening, I had a brief discussion with a director whose work I admire very much. That forty-five second exchange left me feeling better about my choice of career than I have in months.

The Fall was stupidly busy. It was also frequently busy with things that, although they paid really well, had little if anything to do with being a designer. Given that I went through a lot of trouble and no small expense to become a part of United Scenic Artists, the union that represents theatrical designers, the lack of design work has been exceptionally discouraging.

Having that moment this evening of "Oh yeah, you are someone I would be really excited to work with!" has recharged the ole battery a bit and I feel motivated to try and find more design work.

Now I just have to get better at marketing/ publicity...

Random Wedneday Musings

My work life at the moment is a bit like trying to jam six gallons of water into a five gallon bucket. Yet I still keep taking more work.

It looks like S will be coming for Christmas. Woot!

Although the warmer weather is nice, it does make it difficult to get into the holiday spirit.

At least it isn't warm enough for flops.

I have serious doubts about the Democratic Congress' abilities to do anything worthwhile. That makes me sad.

I recently watched the entire series Sportsnight on DVD. How did that show get cancelled after only two seasons?

I don't get women. At all.

The Thing You Are Never Supposed To Say

I am tired of being single.

It Really Is The Devil

After over two years without one, I finally broke down and bought a TV. I was tired of watching DVDs on my laptop, so I purchased it and a DVD player online. Both arrived last week in the midst of tech for a show. I got them hooked up, and even patched in my Laserdisc player this evening.

The damn thing has been on almost constantly when I have been at home.

I am NOT getting cable, or I will never get anything done.

Semantic Question For The MSGAP*

Is there a difference between "the guy I am seeing" and "my boyfriend"?


* Multi- State, Girlie- Advising Posse

Did I Miss Something?

In the past few months I have observed several men, all of whom seem old enough to know better, sporting mohawks.

Someone please splain.

Second Time Is The Charm

Received this in my inbox today.

We are pleased to inform you that the Lighting Design Exam Committee has approved your application for membership into the United Scenic Artists Local 829 and will recommend to the General Membership that you be admitted to the Union.

Woot!

Random Shit

Back home from California. The show went very well and the reviews so far have been positive.

I have been trying for about a month to find a time to meet someone I met through Onion Personals for coffee. The Onion Personals tagline is "For people who already have a life." Apparently, we both have so much of a life that the first time we meet face to face may be in November.

Lucky Spinster has completed her stint at the MacDowell Colony, and hopefully will be back in DC soon. Food and adult beverages with her and ECAG (Retired) are definitley in order.

The next three weeks promise to be absolute hell. I am double booked this week and I am taking the United Scenic Artists exam on Saturday in NY. An event for which I am not the least bit prepared.

I am contemplating someone I met over a year ago. We went out twice, but I decided to see where something with someone else would go. It went nowhere. The question for the MSGAP (and anyone else who wants to chime in) is, how weird would it be to call her now?

I finally have a dining table and chairs. And blinds. The apartment is beginning to feel a bit like home now. And I've only lived here a little over two years.

More later. Peace in yer crease.

A Long Overdue Update

I am sitting in a Starbucks in Lafayette, CA. I am here to design Scenery and Lighting for Copenhagen. The show is going well. We teched throught he whole thing yesterday, and I am mostly happy with the results. There is still some poking at it that needs to be done, but I feel confident the show will be in fine shape when I head home on Friday.

I have more work in DC this season than I did last season. And since I am managing to be home more, I am endeavoring to actually have something of a life outside of just working. In pursuit of that, I have been trying to be more social with my friends and family. I have also been reading more. I read Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell, and How To Be Good while I was in Alaska, and I just finished Middlesex, which was fabulous.

Another part of trying to have a life is I have leaped into the dating pool again. We will see how that goes.

I left my iPod at home by accident. My heart is filled with sadness.

My heart is also filled with sadness over North Korea's nuclear test yesterday.

Trying to figure out what to do for Thanksgiving.

More later. I promise to attempt to write a little more often.

Peace in yer crease.

Hello

I am still alive, and made it safely to California.

Dear Tabloid Skewered Celebrities

Yes, you are right. Often the photographers and reporters working for these publications use sleazy tactics to catch you at your worst moments. They are the bottom feeders you complain of.

But if you are writing a check to a publicist every month, then when it comes to this issue you need to SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Thank You

As I write this, I am sitting on the floor outside the "Admirals Lounge" at Seattle- Tacoma International airport. We opened Hamlet last night, although I was not able to watch the first act because I was sewing scenery pieces for my next show. I did slip in to watch the second act, which is the part where everyone dies.

Hope I didn't spoil it for anyone.

Despite being exhausted, I could not sleep last night because I had a 6:50 AM flight and I was afraid I would oversleep. So I sat up and read Nick Hornby's How To Be Good. I enjoyed it, but am not yet sure how I feel about the ending.

Obviously, I was not so good with the whole writing every day thing. I really have no excuse. For the first time since I started working at Perseverance, I had a Master Electrician to execute the physical part of the design. I even had an assistant who kept track of paperwork (and me*) during the whole process. As a designer I felt totally supported.

So why no writing? I am not sure. Part of it was practical. I had no internet access where I was staying, so I had to get online at the theatre. It is hard to have a private moment there.

Really I have not been writing because I have not had much to say, and I have been tired. I think the play really got me down. Here is a family, the place where you are supposed to be safe and loved and cared for, yet they cheat and lie and eventually murder one another. With all of the terrible crap going on everywhere in the real world, I guess I was not ready to watch horrific events on the stage as well.

I don't know. I always feel reflective when I leave Juneau, and since I fear it may have been my last time there, I am even more so.

Please try to be good to one another and yourself.

* I came to the conclusion that I had become D. My assistant told me where to stand and what we were doing next, and I brought her cookies, although they were not nearly as good as R's.

A Grouchy Stream Of Concious

I am grouchy I have no internet access where I am staying so I have to come to the theatre to check email where I can recieve it but not send it because of some network isssue that no one has been able to resolve on top of which my domain address has been bouncing back a mass of messages for the last month so no one seems to be able to get ahold of me via email and I don't have time to contact my hosting service and investigate the problem and my cellphone does not work up here so I have to use a calling card and most of my friends are control freaks and won't answer their phones if they do not recognize the number so I play phone tag and oh by the way my father had a heart attack last week and now I am in family life hell which is compounded by being three thousand miles away so I cannot deal with anyone directly and I am four hours behind the east coast which gives me a very short window to talk to call people or try and get business done especially since we have been in the theatre till around one am so I cannot sleep in if I want to talk to anyone back home and I am trying to find materials for a show in NY next week but that of course is difficult for the aforementioned reasons plus I do not really know NY well enough to know where to go for things and I am eating like crap here and starting to get sick and there are a whole host of show related issues I cannot even begin to discuss and I am lonely and really would the world go spinning off of it's axis if i were to get laid every once in a while and I have not been able to do laundry since I arrived here and I do not know when I will have a chance to before I leave here and head for NY.

No, I Have Not Been Eaten By A Bear

But, after six fruitless trips up here to Juneau, I have finally managed to see one in the wild.

I went with A and E out to see a friend at what is called a Salmon Bake. It is basically something they set up for the tourists who come in on the cruise ships. They bus them out into the woods where a number of large grills are set up. Everyone pays an exhorbitant fee to sit outside, eat salmon and other foods, and listen to my friend Betsy sing funny tunes.

We had gone out on an invitation from Betsy. She was able to get us in for free, and we were hanging out and eating when Betsy exclaimed "Oh, I almost forgot. There is a bear here."

We moved over a bit to observe a very large black bear, nestled in a tree taking a nap. He moved several times, trying to find a more comfortable position. He was adorable, in that whole large animal capable of ripping your head off with one swipe of his paw sort of a way.

There are other tales, but they will have to wait.

So Much For That Whole Writing Every Day Thing

Yeah, about that....

In my defense, I have been busy. I am at the theatre close to 13 hours a day*, and trying to keep my head above water on four other shows at the same time.

Little of interest has happened really. The somewhat relaxing weekend rolled into a rather hectic week. We had a dry tech of sorts on Monday, sans actors. Tuesday night we began with the cast. A lot to do. The first scene took almost the whole evening, what with the lightning, sound, fog, lighting, costumes and makeup. Last night rolled through a little better, though we did not reach the end of act one.

Our fight choreographer arrives on Saturday, so we have to be to the fight scene by then. It is the last scene of the play, but the fight will take a great deal of time to stage.

More later I am sure.

Juneau- Day Three

I am afraid I don't have much today.

Cooked dinner for a bunch of people from the theatre last night. Pan- seared salmon in a red wine reduction sauce, roasted garlic mashed potatoes, bread, and wine. Lots and lots of wine.

Also a very relaxing evening of good people and good conversation.

Sat through a run through of the play this afternoon. Impressed.

Off for the rest of the evening and again no idea what to do.

Have not seen bears yet.

Juneau, Day Two

As a little exercise, I have decided to try and post every day while I am here in sunny* Juneau, Alaska. I am here to design Hamlet for Perseverance Theatre. Both I and E, my intrepid assistant, arrived very late Thursday night/ Friday morning.

We showed up at the theatre yesterday morning to get our bearings, see how scenery and lighting were coming along, get connected to the theatre's network, and attend a production meeting. We also met AL, the new electrics intern, who had the plot up and raring to go.

We started focus last night, and actually finished this afternoon, six hours ahead of schedule. I am as giddy as a schoolgirl, although I am not used to having free time when I am here. A Saturday night in Juneau, and no idea what to do with myself.

So far things are going well. It is a little frightening.

I will write more tomorrow. Now we are off to have dinner with A, the theatre's TD.

Peace in yer crease.

*And by sunny I mean rain drenched. The ten day forecast is for showers every day and temps in the low 50s.

For The Rain, It Raineth Everyday

For those of you monitering this for news of my health, I made it safely to Juneau. Both the flight to Seattle and the flight to Juneau were delightfully un-eventful, although I am annoyed by this whole "You can't carry a bottle of water on the plane, even if you purchased it at a kisok after going through security" thing. It seems to me the message is that they can't ensure security of the space even after you go through the screening.

And I was told today that it has been raining in Juneau for 25 days now.

S

I am in a funk.

I spent three days last week in Chicago with S, the founder of the Multi-State, Girlie-Advising Posse, and her mother (also a good friend of mine). We had a great time. Looked at some art at the Art Institute of Chicago (including my favorite painting), as well as stained glass at the Smith Museum of Stained Glass Windows on Navy Pier. We also ate great food and drank great wine in a number of spots, like Quartino.

So why the funk?

When we get to spend time together I am reminded how woven into the fabric of my life she actually is. I don't ever feel awkward around her. I can say what is on my mind, and we can sit around talking about just about anything for hours on end. We can also sit quietly with one another. There is no such thing as an uncomfortable silence when I am with her.

And when we have to part, it is as though I have lost my right arm. I miss her terribly.

Regrets

I make a serious effort not to have them. For a very long time I played lots of my life safely, hoping to avoid regretting things I had done. I believed I was trying to avoid hurting anyone, although perhaps I just did not want to feel bad about doing so. Either way, the regrets I ended up with were about the things I had not done, the possibilities not pursued.

After my divorce, I vowed I would never again regret the path not taken. And of course now my regrets center around the fallout of choices I have made. Friendships lost or irrevocably altered, all because I didn't just keep my mouth shut.

Are we supposed to learn something from these experiences? I feel like it is the snake eating it's own tail. The choice is don't take a risk and wonder what might have been, or leap forward and change your life for the worse.

Regret the thing you do, or regret the thing you didn't? Either way, you're fucked.

Sometimes...

...I am a huge putz.

That is all.

GRRRR!

WTF is it with theatre festivals (and some regional theatres) scheduling things at the last minute?

I got an email yesterday that informed me I had a meeting in a week and a half. In New York. Too bad I booked a trip to Chicago three weeks ago.

And yes, when I can tell you today where I will be and what I will be doing on January 25, 2007, a week and a half is indeed "the last minute."

We call them schedules for a reason, folks!

Careful What You Wish For

Remember back when I was bitching about there being no work?

Well, except for a week in October I am booked solid from the 24th of August until right before Thanksgiving.

And by booked solid I mean no days off for almost three months.

Feast or famine. Goddamn I love Show Business!

I Am So Embarassed

I am a doofus. I was writing an email to one of the Mutli- State, Girlie- Advising Posse about something personal and I managed, through an Outlook screwup, to send it to Theatreboy instead.

Sorry T-Boy, I know you could not have cared less.

I Feel Like Freakin Goldilocks

Lots of work to get done in the next week. Plot and paperwork for Hamlet at Perseverance Theatre, groundplan for Lunch at NYMF, scene breakdown and sketches for Copenhagen at Town Hall.

My apartment is too hot.

Starbucks is too cold.

Still looking for somewhere that is just right.

And Now We Really Feel Like Rock Stars

I was just forwarded this ad.



Wanted: 3 Tickets for LUNCH, Tues July 25 - $54
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply to: sale-186020286@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-07-25, 10:01AM EDT

While we are looking for 3 tickets to tonight's production of Lunch at PEPCO's Edison Place Gallery - 702 8th St. NW at 8 pm, we will take any number of tickets available.
thanks!

no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

How effing cool is that?

Only Two More Chances!!!

Get more info here.

Buy tickets here.

We have played to capacity houses for three nights running, so be sure to get your tickets early.

Awwww!

The other day, as I was walking up 17th street to buy props for the show, I approached a couple kissing one another goodbye. Each turned and headed in opposite directions. The one walking towards me had a smile on her face, and turned back to watch the other walk away. Twice.

I sighed audibly.

Isn't love grand?

Random Lunch Musings

After two days of venue related stress, we opened Lunch last night to a standing room only crowd. God love em, the audience laughter added a good five minutes to our run time. And they were laughing in all the right places.

I am running lights for the show, something I have not done in about a decade. Even more frightening is that I have been given lines. That has not occured since Ronald Reagan lived in the White House.

We went up nine minutes late last night, so I was surprised to read that intrepid Fringe blogger (and astute theatre critic) Trey Grahm was not seated when he arrived late at this afternoon's show. Hopefully he will make it back to hear and see the whole thing.

Come see the show, because I am certain it is going on to very big things, and wouldn't you like to say you saw it when.

Yesterday

In the midst of the Fringe madness, I forgot that yesterday was the 27th anniversery of the first moonwalk. A feat that both inspires and saddens me.

In 1969 we sent three men 225,000 miles through space to land on the moon. They landed, got out of the spacecraft and walked around, got back in and returned safely to Earth. Keep in mind that in 1969 we had just barley invented the computer, yet here we were landing men on another planet.

Sadly, the race to reach the moon was born largely out of fear. The fear that the Soviet Union would develop rocket technology superior to our own, putting us at a disadvantage where the potential use of nuclear weapons was concerned.

As you read the paper, you are reminded how little has changed since 1969. North Korea's missle tests on July 4th are a reminder of the very real danger we face from the continued existence of nuclear weapons. Ethnic and religious violence in Africa and the Middle east continues unabated. The AIDS crisis in Africa. Intolerence of differences so extreme that people would accept amending the US Constitution to prohibit same sex mairrage. The list goes on and on.

In the film Apollo 13, Tom Hanks' character says of the moon landing, "It wasn't a miracle. We just decided to go."

One wonders what would happen if we "just decided" to make the world a better place. To bring and end to violence and hatred, poverty, disease, hunger, intolerence.

The human mind contains every possibility. To solve the world's problems does not take a miracle.

We just need to decide to do it.

I F%#&ing HATE PROPS!!!!!

That is all.

Cue Shameless Self Promotion

Come see the show!

Find more info here!

Buy tickets here!

You won't regret it, I promise.

A Favor From My Friends

If you have not heard froom me via email in the past two days, it means I no longer have your email address. Could you please email me so I can have it back?

Assuming you actually want to hear from me.

I Must Be Losing Weight

My ass did not use to hurt this much after spending a day in a chair in front of the computer.

Because it wasn't bony enough already.

I Am The Luckiest Man Alive

So I got robbed Wednesday night.

I had gotten a call from a theatre in California asking about my availability this season. I promised I would look at their website and see what shows I had room for in my schedule. I toodled down to 15th and K to get online. As I was sitting there, a man approached me said he had a gun, and demanded my laptop. I closed it and handed it to him. He took my bag, stuck the laptop in it, and walked up 15th street.

As soon as he was out of sight, I called the cops. Say what you will about the DCPD, but they responded immediatly. There was a car there in three minutes, and I spent the better part of an hour with two officers, driving through alleys in the are searching for the guy.

Ultimately the search proved fruitless, and I was driven home by one of the officers. I sat in my apartment as the shock wore off and I began to realize exactly what losing my laptop meant. I have some files on disk here and there, but nothing even close to a comprehensive backup of the info on that computer.

Gone are 18 months worth of email, all of my music on I-Tunes, dozens of email addresses I don't have written down anywhere, various bits and pieces of dribble I had been writing, the CAD* drawings of over a dozen theatres I have worked in. Perhaps worst of all was the loss of all the work I had been doing for the past month in preperation for the Union exam next week.

I was feeling pretty crappy about it the next day as I took a walk through the alleys in the area, looking in dumpsters and trash cans in the hopes my robber had ditched the bag and computer when he heard the cops coming. No such luck. I contacted various theatres to have them resend me info about upcoming shows, and had to call the exam committee and postpone the test until October.

I talked with both of my parents about the situation, and my mother offered to loan me the money to replace the computer.

After the inevitable second-guessing and anger one goes through in these situations, I began to reflect on how truly lucky I have been in this situation.

One, you are reading about this on my blog, and not in the obituaries.

Two, I have family able and willing to lend support, and not just through this little incident.

Probably more encouraging, I have friends willing to help out. Friday afternoon I received a call from D, whom I have assisted a lot over the past two seasons. He told me he had been discussing my situation with another designer hear in town, and they both offered to front me so I could replace my computer.

I know I have been rather morose of late, and some of you have had to deal with that a lot more than others, but I do know how blessed I am.

If I can't look at my life and see that, then I really have a problem.


BTW folks, back up your data. It really is worth the trouble.

Trust me on this.

*CAD- Computer Aided Drafting

What A Week

There are a lot of tales to tell, but unfortunatly, I am pressed for time.

The short version is I was robbed on Wednesday evening, and the guy got away with my laptop.

Almost three days with no internet access.

Laptop has been replaced, and I am back online.

More later.

This Is Just Wrong

I have discussed dating woes with a number of people over the past few months, and many have said to me "You have to get back on the horse."

It probably says something disturbing about me that every time someone says this to me, I can only think of two words.


Christopher Reeve.

I am pretty sure no one ever said that to him.

Sometimes, I Am An Asshole.

That is all.

Dongle Update

When I got home from the office yesterday there was still no sign of the Vectorworks dongle I have been waiting on since last Wednesday. So I called my new best friend Mike, the sales rep from the software company I had talked to last week.

After telling me how glad he was I had called because he had been trying to get ahold of me for days, he informed me that because the version of the software I had was two releases old, I would indeed have to buy the upgrade to version 12. Mike is no longer my best friend.

Fortunatly, I purchased the software while a student and they are giving me the upgrade at the student price. $160.00 is still way better than $1,700.00, though I am annoyed that Mike could not have told me this last week while I was on the phone with him. The clock is ticking on the union exam.

So now I wait another three to four days.

And we all know what a patient person I am.

WTF!

Did someone move DC into a rain forest while I wasn't looking?

Disclaimer

The post below was written on Friday, when life seemed much bleaker than it does now.

Into Every Life A Little Rain Must Fall

Right now, it is fucking pouring.

This is going to ramble a bit, and large portions of it will probably appear terribly self involved. My apologies.

But isn't blogging self involved anyway?

Life has not been going so well for the ol LD lately. I had four weeks of work drop out from under me last month, and except for two days working overhire last week, I have been six weeks without income. This is a trend that looks likely to continue into the middle of July. I had been (perhaps foolishly) counting on having the rigging work to keep me afloat, but for various reasons that has not come to pass.

Add to that the fact that I did half the number of shows from January to May that I did from August to December this season, and I am in a huge cash flow pinch.

Both of my parents and a friend have been kind enough to float me loans to get me through this rough patch. I am more grateful than I have the ability to express.

On other fronts, my brother has been having health issues. A colonoscopy a few weeks ago revealed a five cm* lump, and last week he had 30 percent of his colon removed. We are still waiting on the pathology report for the lump they removed, but obviously the concern is he may have colon cancer.

In the midst of this, my brother's physician has strongly recommended that I have a colonoscopy done as well. My brother is only three years older than I am and they say he is young to have such a sizable lump. There is a history of colon problems in my family, so I should definatly have the procedure done.

Have I mentioned I don't have health insurance right now?

And now we get to the excessivly self-absorbed portion of the program.

This whole thing, the no work, no health insurance, having to borrow money from my parents, makes me feel pretty much like a failure at this game we call life. Why can't I get it together? I am 38 years old for god's sake, why do I have such difficulty managing my own affairs? Do I just bite the bullet, get a "real job", and put this thing to rest?

I don't know what I would do. I don't actually know how to do anything else.

My brother and I have not been close for a very long time. With inspiration and encouragment from City Mouse, I started to try and do something about that at the beginning of the year when my brother and I flew down to attend my uncle's funeral. We had a long talk about our past and how we became so estranged. We both pledged to try and be better.

The current situation has pointed up how little progress has been made on that front. I feel badly about what my brother is having to face, but find myself at a complete loss as to what to say. I am never good in those situations anyway, and it is made much worse by the fact that we have had so little contact in the past fifteen years.

As I sat at the hospital with my sister in law, I came to realize how closed off I actually am. I don't like people. I like individuals, but humanity as a whole annoys the living crap out of me. As a friend of mine likes to say about me, I do not suffer fools gladly. Yet I feel lonely much of the time. I don't know how to build that bridge out to other people. Being really shy does not help.

Then there is my need to have a colonoscopy done. Yes I will get insurance and have the procedure done. I am not willing to stick my head in the sand. But what really bothers me is that I am not ready. I am not ready to start looking over my shoulder. I am 38, but most days I don't feel a day over thirty.

I am not ready to begin anticipating the hand of death.

Finally, I developed strong feelings for someone. Those feelings were not reciprocated. It sucks, but since there has been nothing but honesty between us, there is no one to blame. I am just profoundly disappointed.

But it gets me thinking about the larger issues. I am 38. I am not getting any better looking. I am certainly not getting any richer A year ago I was finally coming to grips with the notion I might be living the rest of my life alone, and I was begining to accept it.

Now I am facing that notion again, and it frightens me. Will I really never find someone who will love me the way that I want? Someone who is as excited by me as I am by them? The answer is quite possibly yes.

I refuse to settle and I refuse to be settled for. A combination that could lead to a life alone.

And when you find yourself afraid of death, that you might face it alone is fucking terrifying.

* That is just shy of two inches, BTW.

Things I Would Really Like To Stop Doing

Life has been a bit stressfull lately and it has finally gotten to the point it is effecting my behaviour. Not in a good way. What follows is a list of things I really want to stop doing.

• Yelling at my mother.
• Losing things (see post below). I mean really. I live in a studio apartment. It is clean. Why the fuck can't I find anything?
• Eating out of a can or box (not literally).
• Swearing like I have Tourette's.
• Drinking like I have a spare liver stored somewhere.
• Whining to my friends about how much my life sucks right now.
• Taking it out, in a very passive-aggressive way, on one of my best friends.

I know, I know.

So stop already.

Losing It

I lost my dongle.

No that is not some sort of euphamism. It is the USB key I attach to my computer so I can run my copy of Vectorworks, the program I use for drafting.

I had it yesterday as I sat at the office (Starbucks) working on cleaning up the draftings I will be showing at the United Scenic Artists exam next month. Then I got bumped off-line, and when I tried to reconnect, T-Mobile informed me my account was no longer active.

Huh? The payment posted on Friday, but I figured before I called to yell at them I should be absolutely sure.

So I turned off my computer, pulled out the dongle from the back, and started packing up.

Now I was distracted. I conduct a great deal of work discussions via email, and had a number of things floating about that I needed to get responses on. I can't afford not to have an internet connection*.

I headed home to drop off my bag before I went to the bank to check my statement. I entered my apartment, dropped my bag, went to the bathroom, and as I was getting ready to leave I pulled out my keys. When I am drafting away from the house, I keep the dongle on one of those keychains that seperates into two parts, the other part having my house keys.

There in my hand were my house keys, but the other half of the keychain was missing.

OH!

MY!

GOD!

I began searching through my pockets, then through my bag, then on the shelves where I usually deposit items when I enter the house. I checked my drafting table. I searched my bag again, then my pockets again. I walked into the hall outside my apartment.

I decided to retrace my route back to Starbucks. Of course I was so distracted on my way home, I could not remember my exact steps, but I walked the whole way back with my eyes cast to the ground searching.

I reached Starbucks and searched around the table I where I had been seated. I asked at the counter to see if anyone had found it and turned it in. No dice.

I walked back home, and I began to panic. The union exam is three and a half weeks away. Everything I need to prepare for the exam has to originate with those drawings. The software in question will cost $1,700.00 to replace. I don't have $1,700.00. Oh My God!

I asked the doorman at my building if anyone had found it and turned it in. Nope.

On the way up to my apartment I start going through the logistics of re-drafting all of the drawings I will need for the exam. By hand. In three and a half weeks.

Get into the apartment and do a thorough search. It is gone.

OH!

MY!

FUCKING!

GOD!

Cue full blown panic attack.

I sit on my couch for over half an hour just trying to breath.

Finally I begin to attack the problem. I call the software company. The version I have is two releases old, and I am afraid they will not be able support the version I have anymore. But my new best friend, Mike, informs me he can send me a new dongle, and it will only cost $25.00.

$25.00 is waaaaaay better than $1,700.00. And way better than trying to reproduce a bunch of draftings by hand. We love Mike.

Dongle has been ordered, and I should have it by the end of the week.

* Of course, these days, who can?

The Five Stages Of Grief

Denial and Isolation.
Anger.
Bargaining.
Depression.
Acceptance.

Hit the Anger stage Friday night.

It was not pretty.

Only Two More Days Till .....!!!!

.... This!!!!

Come one, come all.

Power

It is remarkable the power we allow others to hold over us. The power to be one day lifted up, and the next day be completely eviscerated, all with a casual word. Most of the time people are completely unaware they have even given it away, or that they have been given that power themselves.

It is impossible to open your heart to someone without handing over to them this power. We trust, hoping they will exercise it with caution, and that in the best of cases, they will also give us the same power. If we want the best of what sharing of ourselves has to offer, we must be prepared for the worst as well. That is the bargain life makes with us, maintain power and be alone, or give it away and risk heartbreak.

At this moment, I am completely in the middle as to which is the best option.

Randomly Overheard Comment

"She is so nice, I just want to bitch-slap her sometimes."

TS

Did Someone Get The License Number On That Truck?

I am exhausted. Physically, mentally, spiritually. I just want to go soak my head in a large bucket of whiskey.

It was a stressful day. A day about dealing with family, and health issues (not mine), and more family, and a series of painful memories.

But in the midst of this day, someone was thoughtful enough to contact me and ask how things were going.

Thank you. I don't know that I would have made it through the day without that.

Ahhhhh

After almost five weeks, two days of work.

Woo hoo!

Could Someone Please Explain This To Me?

Apparently, I am really dense.

On Wednsday, the US Senate voted 49-48 to sponsor a constitutional amendment that would prohibit states from recognizing same-sex marriages. Sam Brownback, R-Kan, made a statement that "We're not going to stop until marriage between a man and woman is protected."

Now, I have known a fair number of homosexuals in my life. Some of my dearest frinds are gay. Not once have I ever heard, not even drunk at the bar, any of them declare "Whatever we do, we have to deystroy the institution of marriage! Dear God, don't let the heterosexuals get married!"

So what exactly is it that these people think they are protecting?

My thought?

The right to continue to divide society into "us" and "them". The right to feel superior to someone else based on something as arbitrary as sexual orientation. The right of ignorant people to exercise the only bit of power they posess by marginalizing somone else.

"The Republican leadership is asking us to spend time writing bigotry into the Constitution," said Sen. Edward Kennedy of Massachusetts, to which Sen. Orrin Hatch replied "Does he really want to suggest that over half of the United States Senate is a crew of bigots?"

I can not speak for Senator Kennedy, but I will do more than suggest it. I will flat out fucking say it.

Anyone who supports this amendment is a bigot.

Any politician who votes for it or similar measures is doing nothing more than adding to a divisive culture for their own profit.

MMM.... Paperwork....

Let's face it. Theatre is not an enviromentally friendly industry. We use all sorts of materials, paints, dyes, glues, that can have a negative impact on our local ecosystem if not disposed of properly. We build scenery out of wood which we frequently throw away when the show has closed.

And paper. Reams and reams of paper. Draftings, drawings, performance reports, scripts, notes, schedules. The list goes on and on.

Right now I am preparing paperwork for the United Scenic Artists exam. There is a lot of it.

I don't think the trees like me very much today.

What Are YOU Doing On June 18th?

Coming to the benefit for the show I am working on, of course!

Come one, come all. It will be loads of fun, and I will be there.

Besides, it's only seven bucks. You can't even see a movie at that hour for that price.

Rhetorical Questions

Really, I don't take the trouble to contact people and ask them. If I have asked a question, I am expecting an answer. In some cases I require one to be able to move forward with plans. If I asked you a question on Friday you cannot possibly be so busy that you are unable to reply by the following Wednsday.

What is so difficult to understand about that?

Bea's Meme- Part Deux

1. If you could only repent for one thing when you die, what would you choose?

That I have ever caused another human being pain.

2. What are 3 things in your life that you feel you honestly deserve?

To be wanted for who I am.
A shot at the title.
Probably, a punch in the nose.

3. When was the last time you had to search most deeply for your inner strength?

About two weeks ago.

4. How many simple things have you learned to appreciate more for one reason or another?

Countless.

5. What truth about yourself do you wish wasn’t so?

At the moment, I wish I wasn’t really a girl.

6. What is the biggest age difference you can tolerate between you and your partner?

I don’t really know anymore. The biggest has been twelve years, but I don’t think I would go that large a span again. It really depends on the person, though.

7. What is the most expensive thing in your clothing closet?

Nunn Bush cap toes.

8.What is the fondest memory you have of your mother?

The support I had from her in the time after my ex-wife and I seperated.

9. What was the job you had before your current position?

Student. Ugh. Never again.

10. Have you ever been sexually harassed at work? If so, what happened?

No.

11. List 8 of your pet peeves

Only eight? Jeez.

A) People who behave as if they are the only person on the face of the planet.
B) People who seem to believe they have some entitlement simply because they were born.
C) People who deliberatly hurt other people.
D) People who use other people.
E) Discovering I am out of tonic after I have poured the vodka.
F) Not having phone calls returned.
G) Airlines that can’t get a flight out on time.
H) People with no sense of personal space.

12. What is one of your biggest fears and how might you overcome it?

That I will never be loved the way I want to be. Don’t really know what to do about that.

I am not tagging anyone on this.

Bea's Meme

Cause really, what else do I have to do at the moment?

1- Do people notice you when you walk into a room?

I can’t believe they do.

2- When is the last time you became unraveled?

You mean just today? It has not been a banner couple of weeks, but completely unraveled was Wed night.

3-What are you good at?

Designing, cooking. I have been told I am good at something I don’t feel comfortable mentioning here.

I try to be a good friend.

4-What's in your pocket?

My cell phone, I-Pod, wallet and passport. Oh yeah, and my house keys.

5-What songs would you play to match these situations:

a) sporting event-not much on the sporting events, but probably Taking Care of Business - BTO
b) party-1999 - Prince
c) when you're feelng depressed-Please Accept My Love - BB King
d) while driving or walking-I’m Gonna Be - The Proclaimers
e) when you're feeling frisky- It’s been so long the tune doesn’t really matter anymore.

6-Name 3 songs that remind you of playing when you were a child.

Play That Funky Music White Boy –Wild Cherry
Only The Good Die Young –Billy Joel
Saturday Night – Bay City Rollers

7-How would you spend a rainy holiday weekend?

In my fantasy life, or reality?

In reality, probably working. “Holiday Weekend” means little when in show biz.

In my fantasy life, a long time spent curled up with someone I loved, doing little else except enjoying their company. Although passionate sex would probably enter into the picture a few times.

8- What song is playing right now?

You’re Beautiful –James Blunt

9-If you could have a DVD/VHS of any TV show that you watched as a child, what would it be?

Muppet Show!

10-Name 5 songs that remind you of summer.

Night Moves – Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band
Let’s Go Crazy – Prince
American Pie – Don McClean
Pyromania –Def Leppard
Jack and Dianne –John Cougar

11-Name a food you can't live without.

Pasta. I know several people with wheat allergies, and I can’t imagine. I would shoot myself in the face if someone told me I could not have pasta.

12- How do you like your eggs?

Over easy.

13-What kind of food are you?

Hopefully chicken n dumplings or mashed potatos. You know, comfort food.

14-Are you brave or cowardly?

Not sure. I have friends/ family who describe me as brave, but I don’t feel it most days.

15- What makes you lose focus?

In a good way: specific memories of a certain person, the smell of wood pulp, music that brings up fond memories.

In a bad way: the smell of Patchouli.

16-When is the last time you felt appreciated?

A phone call from my brother a few days ago.

17-What is the weirdest thing about you?

Probably my whole “woman and their shoes” judgment thing.

18-If like the newspaper you could have anything delivered to your front doorstep each and every morning, what would it be?

At the moment, work.

19-Which month of the year describes your personality?

I would love to say October, crisp, cool and colorful. But I suspect these days it is more like January, cold, bleak and depressing.

20-Who is your hero & why?

I admire a number of people in my life so it is hard to bring it down to just one, but if I had to I would say my mom. She has persevered, no matter what, and managed to do so with a sense of humour and a zest for life I find astonishing.

21-Name something (of non-monetary value) that you've always wanted but have never received.

For someone to sing a love song for/to me.

I tag Lucky Spinster, ECAG, S, and City Mouse. Cause you guys are the only bloggers who are reading this damned thing anyway.

From Depressing To Just Plain Funny

When things are not going well in your life, there is a point where bad news just becomes funny.

I hit that point yesterday about 11:30 AM, when in the midst of a series of text messages about my self-conciousness regarding showing up to social things without an invitation (which I wrote about here), I recieved word the two shows I was supposed to run next week have been cancelled. That makes four weeks of work that has fallen out from under me.

And I laughed.

Cause really, what else are you going to do?

Exams

Because I don't have enough stress in my life at the moment, I have decided to take the United Scenic Artists exam in July.

More on that later.

Focus On The Positive

A lot of negative in my life at the moment. In an attempt to not wallow in that, I thought I would try listing some of the positive things happening.

I am working with my favorite director on a project for the Capitol Fringe Festival, which will also be mounted at the New York Musical Theatre Festival.

I have a commitment to do Hamlet next season at Perseverance Theatre. Really, how many chances to design Hamlet am I going to get in my life?

A show I did this season may see a life beyond it's initial run. In a much larger market.

I have a gig assisting D in January.

I got a comp to see Mame last night at the Kennedy Center. Aside from a few tech glitches (mostly sound) that probably no one in the audience noticed but me, I thought the show was fantastic. Beautiful staging, gorgeous costumes, brilliant scenery and lighting. Also really great performances, especially the young man who plays Young Patrick. He was totally charming. After my last few projects, which although great working experiences were about totally depressing subject matter, it was lovely to go see something with a happy ending*. A good reminder that sometimes art can be about simply entertaining. There is value in that as well.

*Not that kind of happy ending**, you dirty little monkey.

**Well, it's been so long, I would probably take that as well.

This Should Not Make Me This Happy

Ken Lay and Jeffrey Skilling were convicted yesterday in Federal Court.

Couldn't happen to nicer guys.

See, I'm Not The Only One

Citymouse just sent me this.

I now feel completely vindicated.

You Can Tell Summer's Here Cause....

...all the work has dried up and we once again face starvation.

Yeah, we love that.

Bouncing Baby Blog

In all the craziness that has been the winding down of the season, I missed that "The Lighting Designer's Life" turned one at the beginning of the month.

Happy birthday dear ol blog o mine.

Closing The Book

In between all of my running around, I was able to conclude a series of conversations I have been having over the past couple of months. They have related to this situation in my personal life that I have been having such a hard time with. While the outcome is not what I want, it does leave us in a place where we can remain friends. Losing that friendship has been my biggest concern through all of this, so I am relieved.

I have to say thanks to the person involved for letting me say my piece. You have the patience of Job.

From The Big Apple To The Big Easy And Back Again

The past few weeks have been all about traveling back and forth. I spent the week before last making three seperate trips to New York to deal with some changes to the lighting for columbinus at New York Theatre Workshop. Despite the annoying trips on the Chinatown bus, I had a great experience working with the Workshop staff, and it was also great to be involved again with a show I belive in, and which ate up a good part of my life last season.

Last week was vacation. I cashed in frequent flyer miles and headed down to New Orleans to see S. My liver may never be the same, but the trip was exactly what the doctor ordered. I was able to leave all of my troubles behind, and had three days without thinking about my life. It was good to just be.

It was also good to be reminded there are people in my life, other than my family, who love me unconditionally.

Last night I journeyed back up to NY for the opening of columbinus. There are people for whom openings are no big deal, just another part of the process. I am not one of those. I find opening nights exciting, and this one especially so. I marvel at the confluence of events that allows my first New York credit to be as Associate Lighting Designer for an Off Broadway show. I know full well that I lead a charmed life, despite my occasional bitching.

And the show was great. I have seen it a lot over the past two seasons, but still found myself deeply moved last night. So congrats to the cast, the crew, and everyone else involved. And thanks for letting me share the ride.

Short Update

No, I have not died. Nor have I been off somewhere having wild monkey sex with someone. What I have been doing is traveling back and forth to NY for columbinus. A lot. Three trips in one week.

Thank god I go to New Orleans on Wednesday.

New York

I may complain about this city from time to time, but really, it is hard not to love New York in the Spring.

My Life At The Moment

I have not been writing about a part of my life for the past several months, even though it has occupied a good deal of my thoughts. One reason is because it has been too hard to try and speak about here. Another reason is because it involves another person, someone who reads this blog, and I don't want them to read (and possibly mis-interperet) something here that would best be said in person.

As you may have guessed, I have developed rather strong feelings for someone I am exceptionally close to, and these feelings are not mutual. The situation sucks, and I am having a hard time getting over it.

There is no ill will towards this other person. We are friends, and from the beginning have been nothing but honest with one another. They have been far more understanding of how this makes me feel than I really have any right to.

Like I said. The situation sucks, mostly because there is no bad guy here, no one to blame.

There really is not a whole lot more to say about it, except you know the person must be exceptional, if I find them attractive even when they are wearing flops.

Other (Happier) News

Great review for Two Rooms in the Post today. Congrats to all involved, the praise is well deserved.

The News

Of course this story is probably the biggest news. The jury in the trial of Moussaoui came back with a verdict of no to the death penalty. I was surprised by how pleased I was by this. Some who know me may know that I used to believe in the death penalty. I have had a recent turn around on this thinking, due largely to a conversation I had several months ago with MB and City Mouse after my post about the implications of the film Munich.

As Moussaoui may very well be the only person who will ever be brought to trial in connection with the 9/11 attacks, his case brings up some very interesting moral questions. One, where is the line past which someone is beyond forgiveness? Is ten people dead too much? 100? 1,000? Six million? Do we really belive that some people are beyond redemption? And where does redemption end and justice begin? Don't we all believe there are consequences to our actions? Does consequence equal revenge? Let's face it, executing Moussaoui would have been nothing but vengance, but I don't know if in this case it also wouldn't have been just.

Moussaoui did not carry out any of the 9/11 attacks. He was in US custody at the time. But there is evidence he was training to be one of the hijackers, and probably would have participated if he had been free. Federal prosecuters argued that had he co-operated with them, the 9/11 attacks may have been prevented. So if Moussoui is guilty, and deserves the death penalty for having had the ability to stop 9/11 and failing to do so, how safe, morally, are any of us? There is a seemingly endless series of atrocities being carried out every day in the world, yet we fail to act, fail to do anything to stop the suffering and bloodshed. Despite the Bush rhetoric about creating a world "where the strong protect the weak", our refusal to involve ourselves in situations like Darfur because they have nothing we value, leaves a big red stain of guilt on all of our hands.

No answers here folks. Just questions.

Lots and lots of questions.

Grrrr

It really should not be this difficult to cash in your frequent flier miles.

The In- Between

Somewhere between the highs and lows that we usually are refering to when we discuss love and relationships, is the In -Between. The mundane stuff that fills up our time between the romantic stuff and the hard stuff. Shopping for a birthday present for her niece, buying new blinds for your apartment, looking for that book she heard about on NPR. You could each do these things by yourselves, but somehow having the other person along is what really makes these activities worthwhile.

It is easy to be excited about the other person when out for a romantic evening, or together at a social gathering. But to be excited about spending time with another person while doing something as boring shopping for groceries is the mark of something extraordinary.

For the In-Between is where love truly exists, when you find someone who lifts the pedestrian to the sublime simply because they are there.

So...

A number of people have commented to me lately about my rather sporadic (and often cryptic) blog posts. There have been two reasons for that. One is because I have been stupidly busy over the past couple of months.

No complaints there. Busy means work, which I love, and income, which my stomach's annoying fixation on being filled, loves. The project I am currently involved in, Two Rooms over at Theater Alliance, is turning into a really great experience. The cast are all great to work with, as are the director and other designers.

The second reason for my lack of posting is one aspect of my personal life is difficult for me at the moment, although not as hard as it could be. I am exceptionally grateful for the latter.

I have not felt like writing about that part of my life. I still don't. But it does occupy my mind a good bit, so it is hard to write about other things. Consequently, I end up not writing at all.

I really can't say too much more about it. I just have to get past where I am right now.

But like the Beatles say, I get by with a little help from my friends.

I Love When I Do That

I love when I leave my production book at the theatre so I can't work on the paperwork I had planned on this morning.

Hopefully that is not indicative of how the day is going to go.

Drama Prom

First let me say a huge thank you to the organizers of this years Helen Hayes Awards for keeping the thing reigned in at just over two hours. Those of us who were there mostly for the open bar afterwords, apreciate it.

Second, a big thanks to Lucky Spinster for allowing me to be her escort to the festivities last night. And for not wearing flops.

There were no big surprises at the ceremony, although the after party contained a few.

The first was a piece of news that I am afraid I cannot share yet, but I hope you will all send good wishes my way.

I also got to meet a few people I had only known through their on-line persona, most notably Theaterboy. It was nice to finally put a face and voice to the person whose writing I have been reading for a year.

Sadly, I had been up since 6:00 AM, so I pooped out early and went home. So if I did not see you or spend as much time with you as I would normally have done, please don't take it personally. I am just old.

My Word Is My Bond?

This post and the ensuing comments started me thinking again about keeping one's word in this business we call show. I feel as badly as anyone about what happened to Karl, but it should be remembered that he also pulled out of a project he had committed to, and left the company to recast the show without a lot of time, in order to take part in the New York Theatre Workshop production.

There seems to be an accepted convention among those working freelance, that we sign on to a project with the understanding that we may dump it if something bigger/higher profile/better money comes along. In some cases, such as columbinus, the issue is more complicated because a project may have a life farther than we are able to forsee. I don't know how you balance those commitments. I believe that Karl, and the other artists involved were acting on that impulse, and not simply because the show is being done in a high profile venue in NY.

Let's face it. There are rarely real consequences for pulling out of a show. First, we are all struggling, and though it may be a pain in the ass for us at the time, I think most of us want to see our fellow artists succeed. And if we do harbour ill will, it's not terribly likely we are going to go through the trouble of suing over breach of contract. Not for the kind of money most of us are talking about. At most what we will say is "I won't work with/ for that person/ company again."

And really. Who is not going to cast Karl Miller in a role he is suited for?

But is there a point where our word, or even our signature on a contract, stops being something that can be trusted? And if that trust goes, what happens to the trust neccessary to have a true and successful collaboration? This is a business built on personal relationships. We tend to work with the same people over and over again, mostly because we share a similar aesthetic, but also becasue we trust them.

I do not want to seem as if I am criticising Karl, or anyone else. It would be hypocritical of me in any case. Last season I bailed on assisting on Romeo and Juliet at the Folger so I could go design Hedwig at Perseverance, although it was done with the designer's blessing. I have also gotten two design gigs in the last two seasons because the original designers had to bow out to take other projects, so I am certainly benefitting from this tendency in the business.

I don't have any answers, I am afraid. Theatre is a complicated business, one that is extremely tough to make a living in, so sometimes choices must be made. Still it is largely a business where we truly are only as good as our word, so we should maybe think carefully about who we break our word to, and perhaps more importantly, who we give it to.

OMG!

Who The Fuck Are These People?

I mean really.

Smart

I love working on shows with smart people. Smart actors, smart director, smart designers. It makes the whole process so much more enriching.

Catching Up

I feel as if I have not stopped moving since leaving to do Hair at Perseverance. I have no idea where the month of March went, and April does not seem to be faring any better. I have been working at the summer day job in between design gigs, which had tapered off radically after the Fall. The pace seems to be picking back up, which is refreshing, although some of it is last minute so I find myself scrambling to get caught up.

A couple of highlights over the past few weeks:

I designed Cinderella for Columbia Classical Ballet in SC, and got to spend some time hanging out with an old friend from college (the first time around).

I went to a trade show in Lousiville, KY last weekend and caught up with some folks I had not seen in awhile, and even managed to get some leads on side work that will help me stop doing the rigging thing in between designing.

While in Louisville, I also saw the ten minute play that City Mouse directed at Actors Theatre as part of the Humana Festival. The show was outstanding. Nice work, CM.

Calls about design have started to trickle in, so that is a good thing. Of course, they are all for times I am already booked, but it is good to have the offers. Even better, all of the calls are based off recommendations from people I know, including Lucky Spinster. Thanks, sis.

Time to get back to the old drawing board (literally), and finish some paperwork for Two Rooms, being as it loads-in in a week.

Yikes.

Peace in yer crease.

The Hardest Word In The English Language

Never.

For Those Of You Who Care

I will produce longer (and less cryptic) posts soon.

Just not this week.

Cause, damn.

The Universe Has A Sick Sense Of Humor

I's just sayin.

It Never Rains But...

Remember a while ago when I was bitching about having no work after the 15th of March?

Yeah.

Careful what you wish for.

Springtime Again

The good things about the return of Spring.

1) Warmer weather. I love not having to wear a coat.
2) The raiin never smells so good as it does in the Spring.
3) More revealing outfits.


The bad things.

1) Pollen.
2) Once again, people feel it is OK to wear flip flops as street wear.

Randomly Overheard Comment

"I wonder if I will have to rent sheep?"

Megan Baptiste

Blog Hiatus

I have decided to stop posting here on the ol blog for a while, perhaps permanently. I have not been free to write about what has been on my mind lately, so there seems little point in continuing.

Maybe when I get past where I am at the moment, I will return.

Take care, all.

Happy Saint Patrick's Day!

A toast for you.

May you have food and clothing,
a soft pillow for your head.
May you be in heaven half an hour
before the Devil knows you're dead.

Be safe and have fun everyone.

A Sure Sign You Are In The South

The willingness to fry just about anything. I was in a restaurant yesterday that had fried cheescake on the menu.

Yes, you read that right. Fried Cheescake.

Southbound Silver Star, 9:08 PM

The old man sits down across from me. After a few moments he speaks, to no one in particular. I don't acknowledge it, just put on my headphones and turn up the volume.

He sits there staring off into space. I find myself aping his expression. A part of me wants to reach out to him. I imagine my father, and hope someone in the same situation would not just sit there and ignore his lonliness.

But I am too wrapped up in my own to try and ease someone else's pain. So I sit quietly listening to the droning voice of Bob Dylan, silently wishing the old man would go away.

When he does, I find my lonliness has increased.

There Is A Private Circle Of Hell...

...reserved for the people who thought the "red-eye" flight was a good idea.

I am a wee bit cranky this morning, can we tell?

BTW

It is snowing in Detroit.

Just thought you might like to know.

A Question For The Folks At Northwest Airlines

Who do I have to blow for you to get a fucking plane off the ground on time?*

*Typed angrily in Detroit as I wait three hours for the next plane to DC

Home, Where My Music's Playin...

After two of the roughest weeks I have ever had in a theatre, I am on my way home. For a few hours at least. Then it is off to South Carolina to do Cinderella with Columbia Classical Ballet.

When I return to DC on Saturday, the season will be over for me as a designer.

And it is only March.

A part of me is glad to have a break from it. Cinderella will be my 15th show this season, and I am feeling somewhat drained.

But the other part of me is annoyed to have to be figuring out how to scrape out a living doing something else, especially after the schedule I have been keeping up so far this season. Add to that I don't really know how to do anything else, and I am feeling in a bind.

I find myself contemplating graduate school again, as I frequently do when my schedule goes dry. S has told me in no uncertain terms I am not allowed to go to graduate school just because I don't feel like facing life in the working world. She is probably right.

I was very bad about keeping in touch while I was in the wilds of Alaska. To those who did not hear from me, don't take it personally. The show ate me alive, and I did little other than go to the theatre and go to where I was staying and go to bed.

The good thing about workin so hard while there was it distracted me from other things that have been weighing on my mind. The bad thing is those things really crashed in on me last night in an uncomfortable way.

The two highlights from my trip were the non-birthday party thrown for me by East Coast Alaska Girl, and A, the theatre's technical director, and dinner last night with A at her place. Both were wonderfully relaxing and allowed me to enjoy the presence of my friends without the angst of the show.

Babbling here, time to sign off.

Yes, I Am Still Alive

Although at this point I am less than convinced that is a good thing.

Mwafrragghhhh!

No, this is not an entry in Chewbacca’s blog. This was me Friday afternoon on board a flight from Minneapolis to Anchorage. Of course, for it to be a flight, we would actually have to have lifted off the ground.

The day began well enough. I woke up at 5:45, showered, finished the last minute packing, and headed to the airport. I breezed through check in and security, and had time to have a small bite and read a little of my book before boarding the first of my scheduled three flights. I had only a forty minutes between each of these flights, so I was somewhat nervous about making all my connections, especially in Minneapolis. The Minneapolis- Saint Paul airport is rather huge.

I had apparently used up all of my good flight karma for the day. We touched down a few minutes behind schedule at Minneapolis, and my connection was at another gate. Cue LD running* through the airport to get to his connection. I made it to the plane, got on board to discover I was seated in the family section. Not one, not two, but three different families traveling with children under the age of two. One family with two. Can we guess where they were seated?

We all settled in and waited.

And waited.

And waited.

About half an hour after our scheduled departure time, the captain came on the speaker to inform us they were replacing a light bulb in the cockpit, and we would be on our way momentarily.

Some twenty minutes later the doors were finally closed.

And we waited.

The captain then informed us we were waiting for a crew to push us back from the gate. A short time later we actually began moving. We backed up about two hundred yards from the gate.

And we stopped.

And waited.

Finally the captain came on to inform us there was a computer problem, and they were waiting on word form the maintanence department.

And we waited.

We began to move, and the whole cabin breathed a sigh of relief.

A sigh that was cut short when we realized we were moving back to the gate. Someone please kill me now! We arrived back at the gate and guess what we did. We waited.

They finally opened the doors and made an announcement that anyone who wanted to exit the plane and get something to eat could do so. Then we were given a stern warning that as soon as the computer was switched out, we would be departing and anyone not on board at that time would be left behind. Oh, and by the way, we can’t tell you how long the repair will take. I knew if I got off the plane there was no way in hell I was getting back on, so I stayed on board.

And who else decided to stay on board? All three families.

After some time I stood up to stretch out, and ended up staying up for about an hour because I was just too pissed off to sit.

Eventually, they re-boarded the plane, and we took off exactly three hours past our scheduled departure time. Needless to say, I missed my connection in Anchorage, and as there was no room on the last flight to Juneau, I was put up in a hotel near the airport (the Puffin Inn, really, I couldn’t make that up).

The only good thing to say about the trip, despite the nine hours aboard a single aircraft, was the view in the morning as we flew South to Juneau was spectacular. It started me on a whole series of contemplations that will have to wait because I need to go to bed.

More later, because there are tales to tell.

For Those Of You Wondering

I made it safely to Juneau, although a day later than planned.

More on that later.

Grrr.

I am currently sitting in the office (Starbucks). It is, as you might imagine on a Sunday afternoon, rather crowded. And the person who just vacated the seat beside me? Had been taking up two spaces worth of counter with his laptop and laptop bag, and had not ordered anything. Was taking up space without contributing anything to the establishment that was providing him with the opportunity to get his Wi-Fi on.

People like that should be taken out and shot.

Grrrr.

Backward Steps

This morning, my alarm went off at 5:00 AM. Not because I had made a mistake in setting it, and not because I had to go to the airport. No, my alarm went off because I had agreed to go back to work for a few days for the company I used to install rigging and machinery for.

The past month and a half have not been banner months where producing income are concerned, so I was grateful to have the work. I know I was helping them out of a bind, and they also are very greatful. Still, I feel like I have just taken several Paul Bunyon sized steps backwards in terms of where I want my professional life to be going.

My anxiety level has been building as time goes on and I am still unable to line up work after the middle of next month. And it seems the more I try to grasp at possibilities for the future, the more thay wriggle away. My neurosis about the future has even spilled over to other aspects of my ife, and was a key issue in my doing something that risked alienating someone I care for a great deal. Fortunately, they are a better person than I and have chosen to let it go.

I feel very much at a crossroads, and am unsure what the next step should be.

There is a point in there somewhere, but I think the sleep deprivation is taking it's toll.

Random Crap

I have been a little wrapped up in myself of late. There has been a lot on my mind, and I think I may have been wallowing in the negative aspects of my life a bit. Time, I guess, to put that behind me.

I got a surprise call from BP (formerly known as BL), one of the Multi-State, Girlie-Advising Posse, last night. In a long discussion about life, love and other such matters, she ended by articulating what she was looking for like this: " I want complicated (because if you are really involved in the reationship, it is complicated), I want to know I am loved, and I want great sex."
That doesn't seem like too much to ask, does it?

She concluded the conversation with two bits to cheer me up, one was of a personal nature, but the other was that someone we both know used to be a male stripper. I have not laughed that hard in weeks.

Other things going on.

I finished my plot for Hair yesterday evening and sent it on to the theatre. I was feeling a bit of cabin fever (I had not left the house since Sunday afternoon) so decided to take a walk. This was around 12:30 AM.

I had a lot swirling around in my head, and my attempts at writing it out had proved fruitless. I found the walk really cleared my head. Maybe Mr. Cruise was on to something.

Nah.

In the midst of my walk I got a call from East Coast Alaska Girl. One of the advantages to having a Multi-State, Girlie-Advising Posse is that no matter what the hour, there is a good chance one of them is up.

Things I Don't Need In My Life Right Now

Just read a job posting on line. The job is in town, pays well with benefits, and I could do it with my eyes closed. Have I mentioned I have no work after the middle of March.

I don't need this temptation in my life right now.

Wonder What Will Become Of This?

I read this story this evening. Seems the Vice President was on a hunting trip in Texas and accidentally shot one of his fellow hunters. The person survived and was taken to a hospital where he is in good condition. What I am left wondering, however, is if you or I shot someone in a hunting accident*, would we be allowed to board a plane and leave the state within 24 hours?

*Don't even ask how such an event could occur, being as I don't hunt.

A Little Reminder To Myself

Sometimes, it's not all about me.

On Why I -Heart- My MSGAP So Much

Because when I am on the phone at 1:00 AM being a self-centered, egomaniacal asshole, they call me on it.

I love that they don't let me get away with bullshit.

Current Mood: Shitty

On S's blog, she has the option of giving a descriptor to her current mood. It even comes with a little emoticon. I wonder what the emoticon for "Shitty" would be?

Backyard Additions

So now, in addition to the super-sized rat trap behind my apartment building, they have added a one of those stand up cigarette butt collectors beside it.

If I see one rat out there smoking a Camel, I am fucking out of here.

Blog On Demand

A number of people have pointed out to me that I have not been posting much here on the ol blog. There are a couple of reasons for this, but mostly I feel like I have been using this blog to keep people up to date on my life, instead of actually sitting down and talking to them/ calling them. Seems a little anti-social.

There has been a lot going through my mind of late, issues of career and the future and personal life and such. I have been feeling a little stressed about work and the lack thereof after the middle of March. Also on my mind is what the next step is in terms of working out of town (which actually pays enough to live on) vs. working here in town (which doesn't).

Twelve shows have opened so far this season with my name attatched to them in some way, and I am feeling a little fried.

On to the positive.

A fellow blogger has asked me to do event lighting for her wedding reception this Fall. I just think that's really cool.

Through a strange bit of randomness, I got to see a friend this evening that for various reasons I have not seen in a few weeks. Also really cool.

My brain is mush. I am going to bed. There is a plot for Hair to be finished by end of day tomorrow.

Peace.

Meme* Madness

Doing the meme from yesterday, I was reminded of one that East Coast Alaska Girl tagged me with about a bazillion years ago. So here goes.

1. What are the 3 stupidest things you've ever done in your life?
I try not to regret the things I have done in my life. Who I am now is based on where I have been, and I am pretty happy with the person I am (not to say there is not room for improvement). But here goes.

1) Getting married without having figured out who I was first. You can't build a life with someone else until you have built a life for yourself.

2) Letting that marriage go so long without being honest with her about how I felt.

3) Putting aside my dreams for someone else, when I knew in my heart it would not make the slightest difference to the other person.

2. At the current moment, who has the most influence in your life?
The Multi-State, Girlie-Advising Posse. You can't have too much tough love in your life.

3. If you were given a time machine that functioned, and you were allowed to only pick up five people to dine with, who would you pick?
1) Myself twenty years ago.
2) Myself twenty years from now.
3) Socrates
4) Thomas Jefferson
5) Leonardo Da Vinci

4. If you had three wishes that were not supernatural, what would they be?
That I was not in debt, that my friends were free to pursue their callings without financial concern, that I had the means to see some of my friends a little more often.

5. Someone is visiting your hometown/place where you live at the moment. Name two things you regret your city not having, and two things people should avoid.

Things I wish DC had:
24 Hour Metro.
More places to eat at 3:30 in the morning.

Things to avoid.
Thomas Circle (at least until they are finished with construction)
The area around the Capitol when we are on "Mauve Alert" or whatever the color coding is now.

I tag, City Mouse, Bea Yourself, S.

* Forgive my ignorance, how is this word pronounced?

City Mouse tagged me with this meme

SEVEN SONGS:List seven songs you are into right now; no matter the genre, whether they have words, or even if they're any good. They must be songs you're really enjoying this week. When you're done, tag seven people to see what they're listening to.

1. Sweet Child O' Mine; Guns and Roses. When I am in a crappy mood (which because of work silliness has been most of this week) this song goes to 11 on the iPod.
2. American Woman; The Guess Who. Same reason. Sometimes you just really need loud rock and roll.
3. Origin Of Love; Hedwig and The Angry Inch soundtrack. I love how this song sets up the psychological action of the whole show. Plus, it's a beautiful story.
4. Shake Your Groove Thing; Peaches and Herb. What can I say, I am old enough to remember 70's radio. And I can't hear it without seeing in my mind's eye Bill Irwin in The Clown Bagatelles.
5. The Big Reel of Ballynacally/The High Hill/Flash Away The Pressing Gang: Solas. My favorite Irish trad band. Great walking music and really lifts the spirits.
6. It's Only Rock and Roll; The Rolling Stones.
7. Blinded by the Light; Manfred Mann's Earth Band. Yeah, really have no excuse for this one. Just fond memories.

I tag the MSGAP (Multi-State, Girlie-Advising Posse), at least those of you with blogs. This would include S, Bea Yourself, Lucky Spinster, East Coast Alaska Girl, Biker Chick. I don't have two more, I am afraid.

Rats: Part II

I was on the phone with a colleague this afternoon, and happened to look out my apartment window down on the rat trap below. And there was some poor guy, cleaning it out.

After I got over my convulsions, I was left with one thought.

Thank god I have job skills.

Rats

The window in my apartment looks out onto the backs of two other apartment buildings. At night, I look down on a light fixture that shines over two doorways. The doorways are flanked by two concrete posts, and the light from the fixture just manages to paint the edges of them. The fixture itself casts a lovely pattern on the ground. All in all, a lovely composition.

At least it would be, but the focal point of this composition is the largest rat trap I have ever seen. I don't mean the kind with a spring and a piece of cheese, but the ones where they go in and get stuck and then starve to death. It is huge. Seriously, you could lose a poodle in there.

I have a severe rodent phobia* (I have been known to cross the street to avoid them), and I don't really want to have to contemplate how large the rats are that this trap is meant to ensnare, and how close they are living to me.

*There is a funny bit of irony there, but I don't think I will share it.

Back Into The Cave

I have decided to head back into the cave.

It is safer there.

Self Editing

On the phone with S the other night, she pointed out to me that of late I have not been very open here on the ol blog. I suppose this is true, and probably why I have stopped posting on a regular basis. I won't go into why I feel the need to self edit, but it does leave me wondering if I shouldn't just discontinue writing here.

Your thoughts, gentle readers?

Munich

Saw the film this evening. I have to start off by saying I think it is a very well crafted bit of storytelling. Probably the best piece Spielberg has ever done.

Now, having said that, I have to say I had huge thematic issues with the movie. Despite his protestations otherwise, Spielberg has sent out a message that says violence will only beget violence, leading us down an endless path of retribution. I don't have a problem with this idea, in fact I believe it with all my heart. What bothers me is that in the end, the mouthpiece for this notion is a man who murdered eight people, and is seemingly only concerned with their actual guilt after he feels his family is threatened. And lest we forget, his family is in danger because of his actions. He made a concious choice to murder (whether you call them assassinations or murder, the people in question are still dead) these people, yet Spielberg expects us to have some level of sympathy for him. Sorry, Steven, the character is a scumbag, plain and simple. Murdering for the state is no different than murdering for the mob, or for the guy's rolex, the end result is still the death of another human being. Having a moral issue with it after you have committed the deed is not evidence of a strong character.

If we are trying to make some statement about trying to stop an endless stream of violence, then please have it come from someone not steeped in the blood of others.

Mr Crankypants

There is a lot swirling around in my head at the moment. Some of the randomness.

I have had American Woman on continuous loop on my iPod for two days now.

I have been in a pissy mood for about the same amount of time.

By invading Iraq with no real cause, George Bush has left the US without a viable military option where Iran's nuclear ambitions are concerned. In an election year, there is no way Congress is going to authorize another military action.

Being on the road so much, I forgot about the concept of free time. I am having toruble adjusting to having it.

I am becoming increasingly bitter about my inability to make a living in this town.

I know I have no right to bitch about the above. But I'm going to do it anyway. It's my blog and if you don't like what I have to say, fuck off and read someone else's.

I am perhaps a little cranky this morning.

No one should read anything into the mental diahrea (sp?) above. Just need to write so I can get out of my own head for a bit.

Peace

No, I Have Not Died

I have been in tech for Lift at Theatre of the First Amendment since I got back from Orlando. The time with the family last week has generated a lot of thought, but I have not really had time to process it, let alone write about it. More on that later.

Big things have shifted for me on an emotional and psychological level. Some of it is related to the time in Florida (I was there for my Uncle's funeral), some related to my birthday (I am 38 now, for some reason a scary number to me), and some is for reasons I will keep to myself. I will say that I was re-reading a post I wrote over the summer, and it has come back to haunt me in a big way.

So. Happy New Year to all. If I can ever get my brain to slow down long enough for me to write what's in it, there will be more.

I know you are all quivering in .......



anticipation.

Peace in yer crease.

Home Again

I got back form Orlando this morning.

There is a lot more in my head at the moment, but I am trying to decide how to say it, and whether it should be said at all.

It is good to be home.

Alaska Time, Or Insomnia?

Either way, it sucks. I have been up for three hours now, and am rapidly approaching the time when I actually have to get out and run some errands. I have to fly to Orlando this afternoon, and have a few things that must be dealt with before I go.

I have in the past day and a half, imported about 2/3 of my CDs into i-Tunes, and thus onto my iPod. I now have two days worth of music. I will be with my family in Florida for three days, so at least I have options for dealing with the insanity. For two days at least.

I love my iPod. It is my constant companion*.

I have no idea whether I will be able to post on the ol blog while I am away down South. I am staying at my Uncle's house (I think), and don't know if there is a shot at an internet connection down there. I also don't know if there will be the opportunity.

I saw King Kong Friday night. It dragged a little in the middle, and I could have lived without the bug scene (I have a bit of a phobia there), but like my blog sis, Lucky Spinster, I cried through the last twenty minutes of the movie. I am usually one of those geeks who sits all the way through the credits anyway, but this time I was forced to so I could avoid having anyone looking at me and being able to tell I was crying. I am a big sap**, what can I say.

As I am going to spend three days with the fam, I decided to go see The Family Stone this afternoon. I figured a comedy about family was just the thing to help lighten the mood for the next three days.

Boy has that movie been mis-marketed. It is billed as a comedy, and there are certainly funny moments, but it deals with some rather serious issues. Issues that at the moment hit a little too close to home for me. I have not read the review in the Post, but was told it was not favorable. I think it is worth a look, although maybe as a rental.***

*That and my fuzzy alligator.

**Actually, I am a girl. At least that is what my close friends keep telling me.

***Do people even rent movies anymore? I think I am the only person on the planet not signed up for Net Flicks.

Mea Culpa

So I just read this post.

Wow. How delightfully passive-agressive of me.

I owe someone a very big apology.

BTW

Happy New Year, everybody.

A cheesy toast, but a nice sentiment:

May the best of your yesterday be the worst of your tomorrow.

Peace

Meaning? Or, Sometimes A Light Up Santa With A Trash Can Is Just A...

While driving around L.A. with D last month, we spotted a light up Santa Claus with what appeared to be a light up trash can behind it. My first response was "Perhaps it symbolizes the crass commercialsm behind the holiday season."

Or perhaps it was just a light up Santa with a light up trash can.

I tend to read meaning into a lot of things, both the arrangement of objects, and people's behavior. Being the meglomaniacal person that I am, I often assume people's behaviour is in some way about me.

An example:

As my regular readers know, I have a thing about the return of phone calls. This started as a professional thing. When a phone call is returned can often give you a clue as to where you fall in a colleague's radar. Now that has bled over into my personal life, so that if someone has not called me back, it indicates things to me that it probably shouldn't. I know that people are busy and it's not always about me, but it still bothers me.

I suppose this "trait"* of mine helps explain why I have such a hard time taking the things I am told at face value. Not the negative stuff, or the strictly benign stuff (when someone says "It's four PM." I usually believe them), but I often worry that, in an attempt to not hurt my feelings, people tell me what they think I want to hear.**

This is why I love the Muti-State, Girlie-Advising Posse so much. They tell me when I am being an idiot, much like Feste's foes in Twelfth Night. I would rather be told I am an ass.

There is a point in here somewhere. If you find it, could you tell it I am looking for it?

*You say neurosis, I say trait.

** Further evidence of my meglomania