Sometimes, I Am An Asshole.

That is all.

Dongle Update

When I got home from the office yesterday there was still no sign of the Vectorworks dongle I have been waiting on since last Wednesday. So I called my new best friend Mike, the sales rep from the software company I had talked to last week.

After telling me how glad he was I had called because he had been trying to get ahold of me for days, he informed me that because the version of the software I had was two releases old, I would indeed have to buy the upgrade to version 12. Mike is no longer my best friend.

Fortunatly, I purchased the software while a student and they are giving me the upgrade at the student price. $160.00 is still way better than $1,700.00, though I am annoyed that Mike could not have told me this last week while I was on the phone with him. The clock is ticking on the union exam.

So now I wait another three to four days.

And we all know what a patient person I am.

WTF!

Did someone move DC into a rain forest while I wasn't looking?

Disclaimer

The post below was written on Friday, when life seemed much bleaker than it does now.

Into Every Life A Little Rain Must Fall

Right now, it is fucking pouring.

This is going to ramble a bit, and large portions of it will probably appear terribly self involved. My apologies.

But isn't blogging self involved anyway?

Life has not been going so well for the ol LD lately. I had four weeks of work drop out from under me last month, and except for two days working overhire last week, I have been six weeks without income. This is a trend that looks likely to continue into the middle of July. I had been (perhaps foolishly) counting on having the rigging work to keep me afloat, but for various reasons that has not come to pass.

Add to that the fact that I did half the number of shows from January to May that I did from August to December this season, and I am in a huge cash flow pinch.

Both of my parents and a friend have been kind enough to float me loans to get me through this rough patch. I am more grateful than I have the ability to express.

On other fronts, my brother has been having health issues. A colonoscopy a few weeks ago revealed a five cm* lump, and last week he had 30 percent of his colon removed. We are still waiting on the pathology report for the lump they removed, but obviously the concern is he may have colon cancer.

In the midst of this, my brother's physician has strongly recommended that I have a colonoscopy done as well. My brother is only three years older than I am and they say he is young to have such a sizable lump. There is a history of colon problems in my family, so I should definatly have the procedure done.

Have I mentioned I don't have health insurance right now?

And now we get to the excessivly self-absorbed portion of the program.

This whole thing, the no work, no health insurance, having to borrow money from my parents, makes me feel pretty much like a failure at this game we call life. Why can't I get it together? I am 38 years old for god's sake, why do I have such difficulty managing my own affairs? Do I just bite the bullet, get a "real job", and put this thing to rest?

I don't know what I would do. I don't actually know how to do anything else.

My brother and I have not been close for a very long time. With inspiration and encouragment from City Mouse, I started to try and do something about that at the beginning of the year when my brother and I flew down to attend my uncle's funeral. We had a long talk about our past and how we became so estranged. We both pledged to try and be better.

The current situation has pointed up how little progress has been made on that front. I feel badly about what my brother is having to face, but find myself at a complete loss as to what to say. I am never good in those situations anyway, and it is made much worse by the fact that we have had so little contact in the past fifteen years.

As I sat at the hospital with my sister in law, I came to realize how closed off I actually am. I don't like people. I like individuals, but humanity as a whole annoys the living crap out of me. As a friend of mine likes to say about me, I do not suffer fools gladly. Yet I feel lonely much of the time. I don't know how to build that bridge out to other people. Being really shy does not help.

Then there is my need to have a colonoscopy done. Yes I will get insurance and have the procedure done. I am not willing to stick my head in the sand. But what really bothers me is that I am not ready. I am not ready to start looking over my shoulder. I am 38, but most days I don't feel a day over thirty.

I am not ready to begin anticipating the hand of death.

Finally, I developed strong feelings for someone. Those feelings were not reciprocated. It sucks, but since there has been nothing but honesty between us, there is no one to blame. I am just profoundly disappointed.

But it gets me thinking about the larger issues. I am 38. I am not getting any better looking. I am certainly not getting any richer A year ago I was finally coming to grips with the notion I might be living the rest of my life alone, and I was begining to accept it.

Now I am facing that notion again, and it frightens me. Will I really never find someone who will love me the way that I want? Someone who is as excited by me as I am by them? The answer is quite possibly yes.

I refuse to settle and I refuse to be settled for. A combination that could lead to a life alone.

And when you find yourself afraid of death, that you might face it alone is fucking terrifying.

* That is just shy of two inches, BTW.

Things I Would Really Like To Stop Doing

Life has been a bit stressfull lately and it has finally gotten to the point it is effecting my behaviour. Not in a good way. What follows is a list of things I really want to stop doing.

• Yelling at my mother.
• Losing things (see post below). I mean really. I live in a studio apartment. It is clean. Why the fuck can't I find anything?
• Eating out of a can or box (not literally).
• Swearing like I have Tourette's.
• Drinking like I have a spare liver stored somewhere.
• Whining to my friends about how much my life sucks right now.
• Taking it out, in a very passive-aggressive way, on one of my best friends.

I know, I know.

So stop already.

Losing It

I lost my dongle.

No that is not some sort of euphamism. It is the USB key I attach to my computer so I can run my copy of Vectorworks, the program I use for drafting.

I had it yesterday as I sat at the office (Starbucks) working on cleaning up the draftings I will be showing at the United Scenic Artists exam next month. Then I got bumped off-line, and when I tried to reconnect, T-Mobile informed me my account was no longer active.

Huh? The payment posted on Friday, but I figured before I called to yell at them I should be absolutely sure.

So I turned off my computer, pulled out the dongle from the back, and started packing up.

Now I was distracted. I conduct a great deal of work discussions via email, and had a number of things floating about that I needed to get responses on. I can't afford not to have an internet connection*.

I headed home to drop off my bag before I went to the bank to check my statement. I entered my apartment, dropped my bag, went to the bathroom, and as I was getting ready to leave I pulled out my keys. When I am drafting away from the house, I keep the dongle on one of those keychains that seperates into two parts, the other part having my house keys.

There in my hand were my house keys, but the other half of the keychain was missing.

OH!

MY!

GOD!

I began searching through my pockets, then through my bag, then on the shelves where I usually deposit items when I enter the house. I checked my drafting table. I searched my bag again, then my pockets again. I walked into the hall outside my apartment.

I decided to retrace my route back to Starbucks. Of course I was so distracted on my way home, I could not remember my exact steps, but I walked the whole way back with my eyes cast to the ground searching.

I reached Starbucks and searched around the table I where I had been seated. I asked at the counter to see if anyone had found it and turned it in. No dice.

I walked back home, and I began to panic. The union exam is three and a half weeks away. Everything I need to prepare for the exam has to originate with those drawings. The software in question will cost $1,700.00 to replace. I don't have $1,700.00. Oh My God!

I asked the doorman at my building if anyone had found it and turned it in. Nope.

On the way up to my apartment I start going through the logistics of re-drafting all of the drawings I will need for the exam. By hand. In three and a half weeks.

Get into the apartment and do a thorough search. It is gone.

OH!

MY!

FUCKING!

GOD!

Cue full blown panic attack.

I sit on my couch for over half an hour just trying to breath.

Finally I begin to attack the problem. I call the software company. The version I have is two releases old, and I am afraid they will not be able support the version I have anymore. But my new best friend, Mike, informs me he can send me a new dongle, and it will only cost $25.00.

$25.00 is waaaaaay better than $1,700.00. And way better than trying to reproduce a bunch of draftings by hand. We love Mike.

Dongle has been ordered, and I should have it by the end of the week.

* Of course, these days, who can?

The Five Stages Of Grief

Denial and Isolation.
Anger.
Bargaining.
Depression.
Acceptance.

Hit the Anger stage Friday night.

It was not pretty.

Only Two More Days Till .....!!!!

.... This!!!!

Come one, come all.

Power

It is remarkable the power we allow others to hold over us. The power to be one day lifted up, and the next day be completely eviscerated, all with a casual word. Most of the time people are completely unaware they have even given it away, or that they have been given that power themselves.

It is impossible to open your heart to someone without handing over to them this power. We trust, hoping they will exercise it with caution, and that in the best of cases, they will also give us the same power. If we want the best of what sharing of ourselves has to offer, we must be prepared for the worst as well. That is the bargain life makes with us, maintain power and be alone, or give it away and risk heartbreak.

At this moment, I am completely in the middle as to which is the best option.

Randomly Overheard Comment

"She is so nice, I just want to bitch-slap her sometimes."

TS

Did Someone Get The License Number On That Truck?

I am exhausted. Physically, mentally, spiritually. I just want to go soak my head in a large bucket of whiskey.

It was a stressful day. A day about dealing with family, and health issues (not mine), and more family, and a series of painful memories.

But in the midst of this day, someone was thoughtful enough to contact me and ask how things were going.

Thank you. I don't know that I would have made it through the day without that.

Ahhhhh

After almost five weeks, two days of work.

Woo hoo!

Could Someone Please Explain This To Me?

Apparently, I am really dense.

On Wednsday, the US Senate voted 49-48 to sponsor a constitutional amendment that would prohibit states from recognizing same-sex marriages. Sam Brownback, R-Kan, made a statement that "We're not going to stop until marriage between a man and woman is protected."

Now, I have known a fair number of homosexuals in my life. Some of my dearest frinds are gay. Not once have I ever heard, not even drunk at the bar, any of them declare "Whatever we do, we have to deystroy the institution of marriage! Dear God, don't let the heterosexuals get married!"

So what exactly is it that these people think they are protecting?

My thought?

The right to continue to divide society into "us" and "them". The right to feel superior to someone else based on something as arbitrary as sexual orientation. The right of ignorant people to exercise the only bit of power they posess by marginalizing somone else.

"The Republican leadership is asking us to spend time writing bigotry into the Constitution," said Sen. Edward Kennedy of Massachusetts, to which Sen. Orrin Hatch replied "Does he really want to suggest that over half of the United States Senate is a crew of bigots?"

I can not speak for Senator Kennedy, but I will do more than suggest it. I will flat out fucking say it.

Anyone who supports this amendment is a bigot.

Any politician who votes for it or similar measures is doing nothing more than adding to a divisive culture for their own profit.

MMM.... Paperwork....

Let's face it. Theatre is not an enviromentally friendly industry. We use all sorts of materials, paints, dyes, glues, that can have a negative impact on our local ecosystem if not disposed of properly. We build scenery out of wood which we frequently throw away when the show has closed.

And paper. Reams and reams of paper. Draftings, drawings, performance reports, scripts, notes, schedules. The list goes on and on.

Right now I am preparing paperwork for the United Scenic Artists exam. There is a lot of it.

I don't think the trees like me very much today.

What Are YOU Doing On June 18th?

Coming to the benefit for the show I am working on, of course!

Come one, come all. It will be loads of fun, and I will be there.

Besides, it's only seven bucks. You can't even see a movie at that hour for that price.

Rhetorical Questions

Really, I don't take the trouble to contact people and ask them. If I have asked a question, I am expecting an answer. In some cases I require one to be able to move forward with plans. If I asked you a question on Friday you cannot possibly be so busy that you are unable to reply by the following Wednsday.

What is so difficult to understand about that?

Bea's Meme- Part Deux

1. If you could only repent for one thing when you die, what would you choose?

That I have ever caused another human being pain.

2. What are 3 things in your life that you feel you honestly deserve?

To be wanted for who I am.
A shot at the title.
Probably, a punch in the nose.

3. When was the last time you had to search most deeply for your inner strength?

About two weeks ago.

4. How many simple things have you learned to appreciate more for one reason or another?

Countless.

5. What truth about yourself do you wish wasn’t so?

At the moment, I wish I wasn’t really a girl.

6. What is the biggest age difference you can tolerate between you and your partner?

I don’t really know anymore. The biggest has been twelve years, but I don’t think I would go that large a span again. It really depends on the person, though.

7. What is the most expensive thing in your clothing closet?

Nunn Bush cap toes.

8.What is the fondest memory you have of your mother?

The support I had from her in the time after my ex-wife and I seperated.

9. What was the job you had before your current position?

Student. Ugh. Never again.

10. Have you ever been sexually harassed at work? If so, what happened?

No.

11. List 8 of your pet peeves

Only eight? Jeez.

A) People who behave as if they are the only person on the face of the planet.
B) People who seem to believe they have some entitlement simply because they were born.
C) People who deliberatly hurt other people.
D) People who use other people.
E) Discovering I am out of tonic after I have poured the vodka.
F) Not having phone calls returned.
G) Airlines that can’t get a flight out on time.
H) People with no sense of personal space.

12. What is one of your biggest fears and how might you overcome it?

That I will never be loved the way I want to be. Don’t really know what to do about that.

I am not tagging anyone on this.

Bea's Meme

Cause really, what else do I have to do at the moment?

1- Do people notice you when you walk into a room?

I can’t believe they do.

2- When is the last time you became unraveled?

You mean just today? It has not been a banner couple of weeks, but completely unraveled was Wed night.

3-What are you good at?

Designing, cooking. I have been told I am good at something I don’t feel comfortable mentioning here.

I try to be a good friend.

4-What's in your pocket?

My cell phone, I-Pod, wallet and passport. Oh yeah, and my house keys.

5-What songs would you play to match these situations:

a) sporting event-not much on the sporting events, but probably Taking Care of Business - BTO
b) party-1999 - Prince
c) when you're feelng depressed-Please Accept My Love - BB King
d) while driving or walking-I’m Gonna Be - The Proclaimers
e) when you're feeling frisky- It’s been so long the tune doesn’t really matter anymore.

6-Name 3 songs that remind you of playing when you were a child.

Play That Funky Music White Boy –Wild Cherry
Only The Good Die Young –Billy Joel
Saturday Night – Bay City Rollers

7-How would you spend a rainy holiday weekend?

In my fantasy life, or reality?

In reality, probably working. “Holiday Weekend” means little when in show biz.

In my fantasy life, a long time spent curled up with someone I loved, doing little else except enjoying their company. Although passionate sex would probably enter into the picture a few times.

8- What song is playing right now?

You’re Beautiful –James Blunt

9-If you could have a DVD/VHS of any TV show that you watched as a child, what would it be?

Muppet Show!

10-Name 5 songs that remind you of summer.

Night Moves – Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band
Let’s Go Crazy – Prince
American Pie – Don McClean
Pyromania –Def Leppard
Jack and Dianne –John Cougar

11-Name a food you can't live without.

Pasta. I know several people with wheat allergies, and I can’t imagine. I would shoot myself in the face if someone told me I could not have pasta.

12- How do you like your eggs?

Over easy.

13-What kind of food are you?

Hopefully chicken n dumplings or mashed potatos. You know, comfort food.

14-Are you brave or cowardly?

Not sure. I have friends/ family who describe me as brave, but I don’t feel it most days.

15- What makes you lose focus?

In a good way: specific memories of a certain person, the smell of wood pulp, music that brings up fond memories.

In a bad way: the smell of Patchouli.

16-When is the last time you felt appreciated?

A phone call from my brother a few days ago.

17-What is the weirdest thing about you?

Probably my whole “woman and their shoes” judgment thing.

18-If like the newspaper you could have anything delivered to your front doorstep each and every morning, what would it be?

At the moment, work.

19-Which month of the year describes your personality?

I would love to say October, crisp, cool and colorful. But I suspect these days it is more like January, cold, bleak and depressing.

20-Who is your hero & why?

I admire a number of people in my life so it is hard to bring it down to just one, but if I had to I would say my mom. She has persevered, no matter what, and managed to do so with a sense of humour and a zest for life I find astonishing.

21-Name something (of non-monetary value) that you've always wanted but have never received.

For someone to sing a love song for/to me.

I tag Lucky Spinster, ECAG, S, and City Mouse. Cause you guys are the only bloggers who are reading this damned thing anyway.

From Depressing To Just Plain Funny

When things are not going well in your life, there is a point where bad news just becomes funny.

I hit that point yesterday about 11:30 AM, when in the midst of a series of text messages about my self-conciousness regarding showing up to social things without an invitation (which I wrote about here), I recieved word the two shows I was supposed to run next week have been cancelled. That makes four weeks of work that has fallen out from under me.

And I laughed.

Cause really, what else are you going to do?