Home Again

There was no plane crash. I made it back home safely. I even managed to be in bed by 2:00 AM. I proceeded to sleep for twelve hours. So much for the productive day I had planned.

I got home to a package from S, which contained Christmas presents. So I put on The Muppets Christmas CD and opened the following:

1. A feather boa. Not sure what is being said there.
2. A new scarf to replace the one I lost in Juneau back in October. This makes two scarves I have been given in the past week.
3. A T-shirt that says "Make Levees, Not War."
4. A Carmen (you know, the opera by Bizet) finger puppet theatre, wrapped in Devil Ducky paper.

Thanks, dear. Now I feel like I have had a Christmas*.

*Yes, I know I am an atheist, but I love the season, and the idea that surrounds Christmas. Peace on Earth goodwill to all. Who can't stand behind that?

Number Eleven

"But I could swear by your expression that the pain down in your soul,
was the same, as the one down in mine."

Hedwig and The Angry Inch

If You Here Of A Jet Crash On Thursday, It's Probably Me*

On Monday, a baggage worker smacked into an Alaska Airlines jet with one of those conveyor belt thingys at Seattle Tacoma International Airport. He told no one of this, and later, at 26,000 feet (that's almost five miles above the surfave of the earth) a one foot hole opened in the fuselage of the plane, causing the loss of cabin pressure and an emergency landing.

I saw a brief mention of this on CNN, and when I Googled it, found a disturbing amount of incidents involving Alaska Airlines, including a plane crash into the Pacific Ocean that killed 88 people in February of 2000.

Can we guess which airline I am flying on Thursday?

This Fall has been a string of increasingly distressing incidents while flying, and I am beginning to wonder if someone is trying to send me a message. A message like "Stop flying, you fucking idiot."

And because I belive if there is a god, he has a sick sense of humour, and because timing is everything in life, it would be make sense I would die in a plane crash on my way home this time.

I am actually terrified of getting on that plane tomorrow.

* I wonder how many bells are sounding at the NSA** right now as this post is published***.

** NSA: National Security Agency. You know, the folks that have been monitoring our phone calls and emails since 9-11.

*** If you are at the NSA reading this, my wondering about plane crashes is not an indication of nefarious ... (waiting while you get a dictionary)... intent, just an indication of my increasing fatalism.

Happy Holidays

I was going to write this post filled with self-pity about how much it sucks spending most of Christmas alone in a hotel room thousands of miles away from friends and family, but then I read this. Seems the desire to do something nice for someone else, without reciprocation, does still exist in the world.

I hope all of you have a safe and joyous holiday season.

Are We The Least Bit Surprised By This?

Frodo You scored 40% Sturdyness, 60% Influence, 16% Supernatural, and 11% Evil!

You are Frodo Baggins, the Ring Bearer and chosen one. You are courageous and passionate about the heavy burden that has been laid upon you, but even though you get into trouble a lot, you have good friends (like Sam) to help you through. Not counting your size and strength, and the devouring power of the Ring, your abilities will get you far!

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 52% on Sturdyness You scored higher than 62% on Influence You scored higher than 7% on Supernatural You scored higher than 32% on Evil

Link: The LOTR Character Test written by NoxTyger on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Funny Photos: An Experiment

Yes, this is in fact East Coast Alaska Girl

With a basket on her head.

I have no idea why the picture has been reproduced so many times. But I have figured out how to post pictures here on the ol blog.

You have been warned.

On Why Juneau Is The Weirdest Place On Earth

Our run of Hedwig (which we are mounting in a bar out by the airport) is only two weeks long because the following weekend the bar is presenting midget wrestling, billed as Half Pint Brawlers.

The Western Union is in the local head shop/ sex toy shop.

I couldn't make this shit up.

Beauty And Oddness

I am in Juneau, Alaska, remounting the production of Hedwig and The Angry Inch that I designed here last season. I had forgotten how much I love this show. It is hard, and bitter, and lonely, and beautiful, and, ultimately, re-affirming. I know so many people (myself included) who have lived through the same experience, searching for identity in an increasingly confusing world, seeking love and acceptance, both from others and ourselves. Hedwig is a freak, an outward representation of the freak I suspect we all feel on the inside. Her search for herself, and the other half she lost is painful to watch, but in the end provides the hope we will all find what we are looking for.

Last season I worked on two shows here that dealt with being outsiders, and the consequences of that status. One of those shows was Hedwig, the other was columbinus. I am struck by the different paths feeling on the outside leads. In one case, it leads to creative acts, in the other (and based on history) it leads to death and destruction. I suppose the difference is that despite her marginilization, Hedwig still believes in love. I wonder at what point Harris and Klebold stopped hoping for it. As I have searched for answers to the question of why they acted the way the did, that they despaired at ever loving or being loved is the only reason I can come up with. It is the only reason I can accept.

On to other things.

I had also forgotten how much I love this production of this show. I sat through a run through this afternoon, and was crying at the end. In a good way. The cast is amazing, and I believe it's some of the best work I have ever done. I will be sorry to leave this one behind.

The week has been one of a lot of emotional upheavel (sp?). I had the rather unpleasant experience of facing my mortality very up close and personal. I realized I am not ready to go gently. Still too much to do.

Other upheavals have been profound changes in the lives of some people very close to me. Of probably greatest note, S, one of the founders of the MSGAP, is getting married.

Yeah.

Peace in yer crease.

"And, We're Back In The Car Again"

For those of you wondering, I made it to Juneau safely, though I had my doubts going in and out of Seattle.

Although I hate take-off and landing, I have never seriously been fearful for my life in an airplane. That is until yesterday. The wind was so strong around Seattle that right as our plane was touching down we were blown to the side and bounced several times on the runway. The pilot was able to maintain control and we eventually stopped sliding back and forth across the tarmac, but in those moments I had to face whether or not I felt ready to die.

The answer came back a resounding no.

On to happier thoughts.

Saturday I went with City Mouse to see the panda cub at the National Zoo. Though he spent the duration of our ten minute visit with him sleeping in a bowl, he is still pretty darned adorable. And I found myself wishing I could spend some time curled up in a bowl napping.

There are other thoughts, but I am out of time.

Peace in yer crease, ya'll.

Ups And Downs

At a certain point this evening, I turned to D, the designer I am assisiting here in LA, and said, "could you be on headset for awhile?" This marked the end of my giving a rat's crap about the show this evening. I lasted almost the whole day, but about twenty minutes from the end of rehearsal, I just couldn't take it any more.

At two seperate times, D restrained me from getting back on headset.

The show has not been going well. The stage manager* has not been able to call the show correctly** yet, some of the lights for the show have yet to turn on, and we have an audience at 10:30 AM tommorrow (actually today as I type this).

I am on my tenth show of the season and I have been in tech since the 7th of October. I am weary as I have seldom been before. I am ready to be home for awhile; to see friends and family, and maybe enjoy an evening in my own apartment.

But that is the negative stuff. I am happier than I have ever been in my life. I feel incredibly blessed. I work at the thing I love, and people pay me to do it. Tonight I watched 60 children dance in ant costumes with drums on their butts. It is too cute for words.

I also saw Tim Robbins in the hotel bar this evening.

The best part of my evening, I will keep to myself.

And special thanks to those who have called in the past few days. I really appreciate hearing from you.

Peace in yer crease.


*The person who is supposed to run rehearsals and help the artistic staff realize their vision for the show.

** ensuring that all the changes, whether they be lighting, sound scenery, or something else, happen when they are supposed to happen.

To The MSGAP

So far, the ride has been smoother than I feared.

Thanx. I love you guys.

Funniest Conversation So Far in California

I was having dinner with BR, one of the Multi-State, Girlie-Advising Posse, and her husband. They were asking me questions about the shows I was working on, and I was going on about the dancing elephant at Children's Theatre Company.

LD: " Sometimes there is nothing happier than a dancing elephant."

BR: "Or maybe you just need to have sex."

Yeah. I got nothing.

I Couldn't Make This Up

The room I am staying in at the Culver Hotel is the Clark Gable Room.

There is a 24x36 framed photo of Clark staring down at the bed. It's a little disturbing.

How Cool Is That

Culver City, CA, has free, city-wide wi-fi.

When will DC do this?

On The Holidays, And Getting Older

Not much posting lately. I have been in tech* for Alice at the Kennedy Center this week. I have also been taking advantage of working in my home town and attempting to have a life outside of work. It has been nice, but has left little time for the old blog.

For the second time this week, it has snowed in Washington. When I still drove, the appearance of snow used to really annoy me. It meant delays and all sorts of tomfoolery on the road. Now that I walk everywhere, I love the snow. There is something delightfully romantic about traipsing about the city while the little white flakes swirl around you. I was positivly giddy on monday, stopping several times to catch snowflakes on my tongue, and fighting hard the urge to lay down in the sidewalk and make a snow angel.

I have started my Christmas shopping, an activity I had all but ended for several years due to financial concerns. It is nice to actually have a little coin in hand to be able to get presents for some of the important people in my life.

I will be spending Christmas in Juneau, Alaska. I am glad that I have close friends there (like East Coast Alaska Girl) to spend time with. The notion of spending Christmas in a hotel room is too crappy for words. I will be home for New Years, which for various reasons I am really excited about.

In a little less than a month, I will turn 38. That's awfully close to 40. I am not one of those people who believes you must have achieved some laundry list by each age marker, but I am more and more aware of the things in my life that are not as permanent as they once seemed. Two years ago my mother went through a bout with breast cancer, and it was the first time I had really come face to face with the very real possibility I will have to deal with the loss of my parents. I was not ready for that then, and I don't think I am any more ready for it now.

One of the other things my impending birthday has had me contemplating has been my relationship with my brother, and somewhat more importantly, his kids. Outside of our parents, my brother and I really share very little in common. We don't have the same interests or even the same values. When we get together, there is nothing for us to talk about except the past. As a consequence, I have avoided most contact with my brother and his family, and have been all but absent from the lives of my niece and nephew as they have been growing up.

I have started to realize how selfish that has been. A child often does not understand the rifts that occur between adults. I am afraid that they think I don't love them, which is certainly not the case, and so am trying to slowly become a part of their lives. But maybe that is just selfish too.

Really what this is probably about is rather uncomfortable feelings regarding my own mortality. Almost 40, and I am statistically more than halfway through my life. I would rather not die with regrets.

A Special Message To The MSGAP

Hang on tight. It could be a bumpy ride.

I Can't Write About...

...what is really on my mind at the moment. Somewhat frustrating, but there you have it.

It relates to the solving of my conundrum, and a timing issue.

I am not sure whether I am being sensible and level headed, or just avoiding the issue. Problem is, by avoiding the issue, it may go away in a way I don't want.

How's that for effing cryptic?

Random Wednesday Musings

Too much rattling around in my head at the moment to even attempt a coherent entry*, so just a bunch of pot shots.

I am seeing a light at the end of the tunnel with this show. I can't wait to get home.

A message for politicians of all stripes: Creating jobs is not the same as providing economic opportunity.

S the originator of the Multi-State, Girlie Advising Posse, sent me a link to her blog. I will wait for her permission to link to it, but I am, as always, impressed with her insights into herself and those around her. And since I know she is reading, Christmas won't be the same without you, either.

I go to LA in two weeks. BR, one of the MSGAP lives there, so hopefully we will be able to catch up.

The return of my crypticness** has been noted by some. Hopefully soon that will cease, though there still may be no explanation given here.

How is it that in the almost two thousand years since the writings about Jesus, we still have not grasped the fundamental message. I don't belive in the divinity of Jesus, but I do believe in his ideas. We are responsible for the well being of those we share the world with. Living according to the letter of the law is not the same as leading a moral life. Peace and forgiveness. Self sacrifice for the greater good.

Up until the end of the day yesterday, I was a pretty big ball of negative energy for about four days. My thanks to those who bore the brunt of that, and my apologies.

Have I mentioned how much I love my iPod. It's like crack. I just can't stop.

For all my bitching the past couple of days, I am as happy as I have ever been. I know am the luckiest guy alive.

*I know, I know. Most of you are still awaiting the emergence of this coherentness.***

** Is that even a word?

*** Or that?

In Other News

:)

And Still More Movie Quotes

Marcus: “I’ve been meaning to ask you. What’s the difference between a girl who’s just your friend, and a girlfriend?”

Will: “Well, I don’t know. Do you want to touch her?”

Marcus: “Is that so important?”

Will: “You’ve heard of sex, right? It’s sort of a big deal in a relationship.”

Marcus: “I know. I just can’t believe there isn’t more to it than that. I mean, I want to be with her. I want to be with her all the time. And I want to tell her things I don’t even tell you or Mom. I don’t want her to have another boyfriend. I suppose if I could have all that, I wouldn’t care if I touched her.”

About A Boy

Three Wishes?

Last week, I was in Minneapolis working on a production of Disney's Aladdin. We all know the story, Aladdin finds a lamp, out pops a genie who grants Al three wishes.

It started me thinking, if I could wish for three things, and have them be true, what would I wish for?

1. That I could sing as well as Bing Crosby.

2. That I could dance as well as Fred Astaire.

3. That empathy was an inate human quality.

What would you wish for?

I Am An Asshole

My conundrum has led me to do to someone else something I hate having done to me. In the time I have been figuring out what to do, I have left someone to wonder.

If you are still reading, I am very sorry.

For Those Who Are Wondering

I made it to California safely.

Another Mastercard Moment

30 GB iPod: $300.00

Music downloaded from i-Tunes: $45.00

Five hour plane ride unable to hear the screaming children seated directly behind you: Priceless

A New Member Of The Posse

East Coast Alaska Girl has now become an official member of the Multi-State, Girlie-Advising Posse.

Seeing Ourselves

There are two people in my life right now who are dealing with the aftermath of ending relationships. I won't share details, (they are not mine to share), but the thing I find in common about these two women and their situations, is how much each are questioning themselves, not just in terms of the relationship, but their whole lives. Questioning and doubting.

What I find frustrating about this is that neither of them are able to see themselves the way I do. Both are funny, intelligent, beautiful, vibrant, sexy women who have so much to offer the world, and also to any man lucky enough to be worthy of them. They are both extraodinary human beings.*

If I can see that, why can't they.

*I am priviliged to surround myself with fantastic people who make me a better person because they are my friends.

An Open Letter To The US Press

Take two hours of your day, go to the movie theatre, and see Good Night and Good Luck. Pay very close attention to Murrow's speech at the beginning and end of the film. Take it to heart, and go put it into action.

The Fourth Estate exists to protect the governed from their government. We as citizens lack the access to our public officials to ask the questions that so desperately need to be asked. I cannot stand up and ask the President, point blank, whether intellegence was doctored to justify the invasion of Iraq, or whether he truly believes torture is an acceptable option to obtain information from prisoners.

I cannot advocate for a government that is accountable to the people. I cannot pry into the corners to assure that those in power are using that power responsibly. I cannot bring to task those who line their pockets at the expense of the lives and welfare of others.

You can.

And you must.

The Show Is Open

We opened Disney's Aladdin this evening. The show went off without a hitch, and the writing flaws not withstanding, the audience had a wonderful time.

Despite my maudlin posts over the past two weeks, the experience here with the staff at Children's Theatre Company has been one of utter delight. Everyone involved in the whole process has been positive, upbeat, co-operative and professional. My followspot operators were the best I have ever had. I have been spoiled. I would return here to do another show in a heartbeat.

The best part of all: They gave the elephant a bio in the program.

My Last Posts

The zoological nature of my last few posts does not in any way indicate a shift in the focus of The Lighting Designer's Life. I will soon post more whining drivel about my personal life (or lack thereof) and projeccts I am working on. Don't you worry.

Last Night

After some gut wrenching, soul searching debate, they decided not to cut the elephant from the show.

And last night, it danced. Shook it's money maker. Got down with it's own bad self.

I was giddy with delight.

Sometimes, you just need a dancing elephant.

Oddest Thing Seen In Minneapolis

A man walking through downtown at 9:oo AM carrying a 3 foot tall kangaroo.

I couldn't make that up if I tried.

Allright...

...so I was a little whiney this morning. Sorry bout that.

Random Wednesday Musings

I have not been posting much lately, not because I don't have anything to talk about, but because most of what is on my mind I don't really want to share with the general public.

The show had it's first preview last night. The audience seemed to love it. And the orchestra was fantastic.

It snowed here last night.

We had Rain Man driving our cab last night. "I'm an excellent driver."

Heard my first Christmas songs of the season on the radio. Surprisingly (sp?), I was not annoyed, but somewhat warmed by it.

I am feeling rootless, especially as the holidays approach. I have been walking by the Crate and Barrel every couple of days, and their displays all say "Gather and Prepare". I miss having people to gather with, to prepare for. I will spend Thanksgiving in California, and Christmas in Alaska, so it is not as if I would be around to do any preparing or gathering anyway, but I would like it to be an option*. Maybe I am just feeling lonely.

This will be the first Christmas in five years I have not spent with S.

A couple of months ago, Lucky Spinster asked me why I had never come to Wing Night, and my response was "Because I have never been invited." It came out way snottier than I had intended, so I had to explain. I was raised by a Southern woman, with Southern manners. You do not just show up somewhere without an invitation. It is not polite. LS proceeded to give me an open invitation to Wing Night (although she has now done away with it, that tease). I have been wondering lately if I would feel less lonely if I were more able to invite myself places. I just don't want to be that guy, you know?

* I have recieved two invitations for Thanksgiving. I just miss hosting large groups, spending a long day with people I love. The people I love either have family thay spend the holidays with, or they live out of town. And this foot note is turning into it's own post, so i will stop. I might expound on this more later.

Tooting My Own Horn*

I got a mention in a Potomac Stages review.

Production values are almost never mentioned in reviews in DC, so I am happy to have the mention at all.

And yes, I do design scenery as well.

* Does anyone else think that sounds dirty?

If I Were Inclined To Get A Graduate Degree

You Should Get a MFA (Masters of Fine Arts)

You're a blooming artistic talent, even if you aren't quite convinced. You'd make an incredible artist, photographer, or film maker.

What Advanced Degree Should You Get?

I Am Not Up To The Task

It is times like this I wish I was a better writer. If were, if I had the ability to articulate a point of view clearly, cleanly and concisely, I might be able to convince George W Bush that his thinking on pretty much every issue is completely incorrect.

Issue one: In a Vetran's Day speech yesterday, the President contended that the Democrats asking questions about whether or not his administration had used false intelligence to justify the invasion of Iraq was, "deeply irresponsible".

"The stakes in the global war on terror are too high, and the national interest is too important, for politicians to throw out false charges," Mr. Bush said. "These baseless attacks send the wrong signal to our troops and to an enemy that is questioning America's will. As our troops fight a ruthless enemy determined to destroy our way of life, they deserve to know that their elected leaders who voted to send them to war continue to stand behind them."*

Huh?

How is asking whether we have committed troops into harm's way on false pretenses in any way sending the message to our troops that their elected officials do not stand behind them? How do you spin that? To me, that seems to be the greatest show of support.

And let me say the thing that no other liberal seems to be willing to say out loud. For all the people on the extreme right posturing about "un patriotic Americans" who openly question the "war on terror", the President has committed the greatest unpatriotic act. He has lied to the American people, and the entire world community, and used our armed forces for purposes that have nothing to do with defending this country.

It is the President, and his administration, who are betraying the United States, by willfully disregarding the ideals we as a nation were founded on.

A note on this "ruthless enemy determined to destrory our way of life." Intelligent, college educated people do not fly planes into buildings over idealogical differences. This is not about not believing in the freedom of speech, or the protection against unwarranted search and seizure. It is not even about hatred of western religion. They do it because they live in a place being adversely effected by US policies, and violent action is the only way to get our attention. These are people who have suffered as few of us could comprehend, people who have watched economic sanctions starve their children. Who have seen the US meddle in their local affairs for no other reason than the protection of US financial interests. I do not condon the loss of innocent life, but it is time for us to realize that to a certain extent, we are simply reaping what we have sown.

The use of violent acts to attempt to change policy has a long history. There would be no Republic of Ireland except for armed resistance. And lest we forget, one of the events celebrated in history classes around the nation as a milestone in the US struggle for independance, the Boston Tea Party, was itself an act of terrorism.


There is much more to say on this, but it will have to wait

In Case You Were Wondering

Black velour is not a flattering fashion choice.

For anyone.

Things Accomplished Today

Finally found my stride at the theatre. Sleeping helps.

Made a decision about my conundrum.

Took a photo of the elephant costume in it's storage place off-stage right; flown up about eight feet off the deck.

Yes folks, we have flying elephants.

Why Is It

That my conundrum is far more clear when I am out of town?

Finding My Niche

I have been having trouble settling into a groove here. Normally, an assistant is either someone brought in by the designer, or someone with a staff position at the theatre. I am neither. I did not get the paperwork for the show until the day before I came here, so I don't have a firm grasp on the way the designer has organized her information. I am also unfamiliar with CTC's operating procedures, so I don't know what the dynamic usually is, or even where to go to get things (I was here for a whole day before I even knew how to get onto the stage).

The consequence of all of this is I have not been feeling on my game. And I hate that. While I am never sure of myself in almost any other aspect of my life, the one place I always feel like I know what I am doing is the theatre.

As City Mouse pointed out, it is probably good for me to get rattled around every once in a while. Keeps me honest, and hopefully softens that whole arrogant prick thing I have going.

The other odd thing about the situation here is that I have absolutely no emotional investment in the project. I am nervous about doing a good job, but that has more to do with where I am working and with whom. I am ambivilant about the show itself. I am working just to work and that is not a place I like to be.

And that is the reason I probably will never have a career in commercial theatre. I am not someone who can be passionate about just collecting a check. For me to be at my best, I have to have an emotional investment in the project as a whole, not just my part of it.

Perhaps that is why I really have not been feeling on my game here.

I May Convert To Scientology

Cause those Scientology women are hot.

At least the ones in Minneapolis.

Job Listing

In case you know anyone looking for a job, the Church of Scientology in downtown Minneapolis is hiring.

Why I Love My Job

This evening, while watching the run through of Aladdin, I got to watch two men in an elephant costume dance.

It just doesn't get any better than that.

Why I Now Hate Flying More.

As most of you know, I hate to fly, but my terror is generally confined to the take-off and landing portion of the exercise. Something like 95% of all air crashes occur during take-off and landing, so if I can get through that, I feel like I have pretty much beaten the odds (even my luck isn't that bad)

Now imagine you are on a flight to Chicago, cruising along at 28,000 feet (that's five miles above the surface of the earth). Now imagine the fasten seatbelt sign turns on and the plane suddenly dives down 14,000 feet in the span of about two minutes. Let me say that again.

The plane dives down 14,000 feet in the span of about two minutes. That's almost three miles.

Finally the pilot comes on the loudspeaker to tell us our sudden change in altitude was because they were unable to keep the cbin at pressure at the height we were travelling.

In plain English, what that means is there was a leak somehwere blowing the air out of the cabin.

Have I mentioned I hate to fly.

I am safe in Minneapolis, BTW.

Alaska Time Sucks

It always happens when I return from Alaska. I am stuck in that time zone, which would be fine, except that I have a show loading in in seven hours, and another that needs to go into the shop this week, and I will be crashing hard core in a few hours.

The other part of this that sucks is there is little to do at 5:00 AM other than work or sit about thinking. The things I am thinking about are my conundrum. The clarity I seemed to have while I was out of town has vanished like Angelina Jolie's thong*.

My posting may be a bit sparse the next couple of weeks. I leave Friday to work in Minneapolis for two weeks, and have a lot to do before then.

*I have no idea what the hell that even means.

On My Way Home

After almost three weeks in Juneau, I am finally on my way home. The show opened last night, and though there were a few technical hitches during the second act, the audience seemed to really enjoy themselves. I often have difficulty looking at my own work, but I was able to relax and take pleasure in both my work and everyone else’s.

ECAG and I went looking for bears yesterday. A momma bear with two cubs have been seen hanging around Mendenhall Glacier, so we headed out to the valley to see if we could spot them. We arrived to find a group of people staring across the road into the trees, and a park ranger preventing anyone from going up the trail. When we asked, we were told the bears had crossed the parking lot about an hour before we arrived, and they had gone up into a tree to take a nap. We waited for quite a while to see if they would re-emerge, but though I was able to see the movement of the mother in the trees, there was no bona fide bear sighting. Maybe next time.

Shame

One of the blogs I read regularly is Chairbourne Stranger, posted by a US serviceman stationed in Iraq. It has been interesting to get an insider’s perspective on the situation there, and although I have no idea who he is, I have begun to feel as if I know him somewhat.

So when I read this post, I almost cried. And then I became so angry I couldn’t speak. It is one thing for our nation’s armed forces to have to face the horrors of war in actions that protect the people of this country, but I know the invasion of Iraq has done nothing to make the world safer for US citizens. In fact it has done much to make it less so.

We as a nation are in the wrong. I know it is trite to use comparisons with the Nazis, but by our unwarranted invasion, that is the level we have sunk to. I am personally ashamed to be a citizen of the United States. And I am doubly ashamed that people such as this soldier have to experience the trauma of war for reasons not worthy of their sacrifice.

So for him, and all those who are fighting and dying in this horrible and meaningless war, I offer the following song from Eric Bogle.


Willy McBride

Well how do you do, young Willy McBride.
Do you mind if I sit here down by your graveside,
And rest here awhile, neath the warm summer sun,
I’ve been walking all day, and I’m nearly done.

And I see by your gravestone, you were only nineteen,
When you joined the brave fallen, in nineteen sixteen.
Well I hope you died well, and I hope you died clean
Or young Willy McBride, was it slow and obscene.

Did they beat the drum slowly, did they play the fife lowly,
Did they sound the death march as they lowered you down?
Did the band play the last post and chorus?
Did the pipes play the flowers of the forest?

Did you leave any wife, or a sweetheart behind?
In some faithful heart are you forever enshrined?
Although you died back in nineteen sixteen,
In that faithful heart, are you forever nineteen?

Or are you a stranger without even a name,
Enclosed there forever, behind a glass pane.
In an old photograph torn and battered and stained,
And faded to yellow in a brown leather frame.

Did they beat the drum slowly, did they play the fife lowly,
Did they sound the death march as they lowered you down?
Did the band play the last post and chorus?
Did the pipes play the flowers of the forest?

Oh the sun how it shines on the green fields of France.
There’s a warm summer breeze makes the red poppies dance.
See how the sun shines from under the clouds.
There’s no gas, no barbed wire, there’s no guns firing now.

But here in this graveyard it’s still no man’s land,
As the countless white crosses in mute witness stand,
To man’s blind indifference, to his fellow man,
To a whole generation that were butchered and damned.

Did they beat the drum slowly, did they play the fife lowly,
Did they sound the death march as they lowered you down?
Did the band play the last post and chorus?
Did the pipes play the flowers of the forest?

Now young Willy McBride, I can’t help wonder why.
Did all those who lie here know why they died?
Did they really believe, when they answered the calls,
Did they really believe, that this war would end wars?

For the sorrow, the suffering, the glory, the pain,
The killing and the dying, they were all done in vain.
For young Willy McBride, it’s all happened again.
And again and again and again and again.

Did they beat the drum slowly, did they play the fife lowly,
Did they sound the death march as they lowered you down?
Did the band play the last post and chorus?
Did the pipes play the flowers of the forest?



Peace.

Please.

Still No Bears

Although there was a picture of two in a tree on the front page of the Juneau newspaper yesterday. I am going to try and go out tommorrow to the glacier, where they seem to be hanging out.

Starting to second guess my clarity where my conundrum is concerned.

Though I don't have contracts yet, I have verbal agreements for two more shows here. Add that to the assisting work I have with D and a few other projects I have going (all but one of which are out of town), and by the middle of March I will have done fifteen shows this season.

Fifteen shows in seven and a half months. While I am certainly happy to have work, and to be actually making a living at what I love, it can be somewhat exhausting to be almost constantly in tech. Add to that the fact that I have to travel out of town so much to make a living, despite all the theatre being produced in DC, and it is small wonder I have trouble maintaining a personal life.

I am not complaining, really, just making an observation. I have no delusions about getting rich working in the theatre, but I do sometimes wish that individual gigs paid well enough that I could take fewer of them. Not that I know which ones I would turn down. I am excited about all of the projects i am on, so what is the answer? Maybe i just need to hire an asssistant.

I am babbling, and it is time to go back in the theatre.

Peace.

For Those Of You Wondering....

It is now snowing in Juneau, Alaska.

Quick Upate

Number of bears seen: 0

One member of the cast has now seen four.

I think they are hiding from me.

The Turning Point

Yesterday evening, I was tired and a little bit stressed. I was waiting to meet with P, the director for Twelfth Night, to do a little show and tell of the things we had to work with, and I was anxious about what his reaction would be. I was sitting in the lobby updating some paperwork, and suddenly I wanted to talk to someone. Someone who would listen and understand. But it was far too late to call.

And the person I wanted to call was not S.

Some of you may understand the degree to which the Universe has shifted.

In Other News

I seem to be figuring out my conundrum. The way ahead could be fraught with danger.

Confused?

Me not so much anymore. Now just nervous.

The Week So Far

I have spent the last few days getting all the lights hung, plugged in and tested. I have had a great crew here to help me out, all lined up for me by ECAG. Up until the end of today, I have been a little stressed about getting everything done. One piece of scenery proved to be more complicated than had originally been anticipated, and so I have had to wait for it to be done to move forward on my end of things.

Today we focused the show. As my regular readers know, I usually hate the whole focusing process. It never seems to go fast enough, no matter how good the crew is, and I spend most of the day second guessing the choices I have made. But as I have also been acting as Master Electrician on the show, I have been second guessing those choices for days now.

So the focus went great, the crew moved at a good speed, and I was able to see that what I was planning was indeed going to work. Now we just hope the director likes it. This is my first time working with him Designer to Director, so I have been somewhat nervous about whether he will like what I am doing, and some of my angst this week with the delays is the concern there would be no time to change anything if he looks at it and says, “Yeah, hate that.”

But life here has not been all work and no play. I went on a long hike yesterday with ECAG as we searched for bears. No bear sightings, but we did see the aforementioned porcupine, and some spectacular views on one of the old mine trails above downtown.

It rained for the first three days I was here, and by the end of Thursday I was like, “Why the hell do people live here.” But Friday morning I got up and headed out to the theatre, and the clouds had disappeared and the sun was out and I had that moment of, “Oh yeah, this is why.” Alaska is one of the most beautiful places I have ever been to. I am not nearly articulate enough to describe it, but Friday night, as I stood on the side of a mountain staring at a moon and stars that were closer and more real than any I had seen in my entire life, I saw such beauty that it was painful. You can’t imagine.

It is strange how easily I settle into being here. I really like the theatre, the town and the people. I have made friends here that I would consider visiting even if I were not coming for work. I have been told that part of the Artistic Director’s master plan is to get me to move here, and though I can’t imagine a scenario in which that would happen, a part of me knows there are far worse choices I could make.

I am rambling, and it is time to go to bed.

Peace In yer crease.

Oh yeah, the bonehead who robbed the bank here a few days ago.

Guy signed his name to the note he handed the teller.

Wildlife Sightings:

Eagles: 0
Bears: 0
Porcupines: 1
Drunken Juneau dwellers: Too many to count.

Very annoyed to have not seen any bears yet.

World's Dumbest Criminals

Yesterday, a bank in downtown Juneau was robbed.

Let us pause to consider this while we remember that there is no way to drive in or out of Juneau. And the town only has 32,000 people in it.

Where does this moron think he is going to go?

Juneau, Yet Again

Part 3: Juneau.

On the flight from Seattle to Juneau, I figured out why it is I hate that leg of the trip so much. It is not that it takes five and a half hours, but instead that you have to take off and land three times. I hate to fly because I hate take-off and landing, it scares the hell out of me. By the time the plane touches down at the Juneau airport, I would rather stay there than get on another plane ever again.

My flight got in at 7:15 PM local time (11:15 PM EST). ECAG met me at the airport with the costume designer, A, in tow. We made two quick stops to provision the two apartments the theatre had secured, one of which I would be staying in while I am here. Then we toodled off to the Hangar for some dinner. Fried calamari and a Woodchuck amber. MMMM.

I am still a day behind in my reporting, but I probably won't catch up anytime soon. A very long day tommorrow, and the beginning of tech looming I will try to post at least to say I have not yet been eaten by bears.

My happy thought for the day came early this morning upon checking my cell phone messages.

Peace in yer crease, ya'll.

To Juneau, Yet Again:

Part One: National Airport

It is only 6:30 AM and I am already annoyed.

I left the house at 5:15, having been up all night because first I couldn’t sleep and then, when I could, I was afraid I would oversleep. As I was lugging my bag and suitcase the five blocks to the metro station, one of the wheels on the suitcase (which I borrowed from the Vegetarian) came off. I proceeded to drag it the rest of the way, fairly certain the handle would be snapping off at any moment.

When I arrived at National Airport, I came off the elevator right at the Alaska Airlines check in station. On my three previous trips, I have used the electronic check in to print my boarding passes and enter my frequent flier number, and then dealt with the agents to check my bags. This morning, however, the people behind the counter were determined to help me through the whole process, so I handed over my ID and set the suitcase up on the scale.

“Your bag is over by about five pounds, sir.” Said the rather officious looking gentleman on the other side of the kiosk. “Is there something you can take out and put in your backpack?”

I now understood why it had felt like I was hauling around fifty pounds of dead weight behind me as I made my way to the airport.

“I have an empty box back here if you just want to check two items and distribute the weight.” Added the woman working with Officious Guy.

I started to pull the bag back off so I could figure out what five pound item I could remove and stick in my “backpack” (actually a soft briefcase, but what’s semantics when I am annoyed. Oh yeah, FUCKING EVERYTHING), when OC chimes in, “It’s a twenty five dollars overage fee, sir.”

“Well I don’t have twenty five dollars to give you.” I snapped back, choking down the remainder of my thought “So why don’t you STFU before I take this five pounds and stuff it down your throat.”

“Would you like the box sir?” asked Helpful Lady.

“That would be great.”

I pulled out some jeans, a few shirts and my camera and stuffed them in the box. I hastily filled out the ID tags for the luggage while Helpful Lady taped up my box. I got my boarding pass and headed for security.

I was so flustered by this experience that I forgot to have them do the whole frequent flier thing, so I am hoping I can get that dealt with at the help desk in Seattle. At the end of this trip, I will have flown on Alaska Airlines, since last November, enough miles to circumnavigate the globe. I am hoping to use those miles for free air travel so I can actually take a vacation next year. The bastards better give me my miles.

Part Two: Seattle

12:35 PM Local time. (3:35 EST) Much less annoyed.

The flight was delightfully uneventful. On a mostly full flight I had an empty seat between the woman sitting at the window and myself (I prefer aisle seats when flying), so there wasn’t the cramped sardine feeling one usually gets in coach. I slept for most of the almost five hour flight, waking up only when the beverage and food carts came trundling by.

I was awake long enough to notice the woman’s fabulous shoes and handbag.*

We actually arrived half an hour early in Seattle, so I was able to get my frequent flier miles adjusted. I spent about 45 minutes looking for a T-Mobile wi-fi** connection so I could check my email. In my quest, I discovered parts of the airport I had never seen before, including a series of columns with some very cool mosaic work on them. There is also a program here among the vendors that they will collect money for hurricane relief, and match every dollar donated. For whatever reason, that little bit of human compassion put me in a much better mood.

When I am traveling by myself, which is most of the time, I have found I retreat further into myself than usual. I am not sure why that is. I think it may be because I am somewhat obsessive about travel details, times, places, flight numbers, and I have a hard time feeling relaxed until I have made my last connection to wherever I am going. I probably just need to get my ass stranded somewhere and get over it. Just, not this trip.

Part 3 Tommorrow.

* And yes, I know this is why people think I'm gay. I'm OK with that. Flattered, in fact.

** I signed up for T-Mobile partly because of their nationwide coverage, especially in airports. So I am a little annoyed that their airport coverage seems confined to the first class lounges, especially when you can't swing a dead cat without hitting a Starbucks in Seatac.

I Am Here!

For those of you monitoring this for news of my health, I made it in to Juneau just fine. There are observations to share, but those will have to wait till later.

Peace in yer crease.

So....

It's a quarter of three in the AM, and because of my already whacked out sleep schedule, I am up. I have to leave for the airport in three hours to fly to rainy Juneau, Alaska, where I am designing Twelfth Night for Perseverance Theatre. I will be there for a little under three weeks.

I am excited about the gig, just dreading the 11 and a half hours on a plane it takes to get there.

This trip begins a stint of travel that will also include trips to Minneapolis, MN, to assist on a show for Beverley Emmons, and Lafayette, CA to design a new adaptation of Peter Pan. I have a week at home between each of these trips, but I am doing a show in the week I am back from Alaska, and the week back from Minneapolis is Thanksgiving. So I am effectivly away from home from tommorrow morning until the beginning of December.

It's not that I mind traveling for work, in fact it's one of the things I really love about what I do. But what is disheartening is that I have to travel in order to make a living as a designer in this town. This town, with all of the theatre that is produced here, cannot seem to provide more than a handful of people working as designers with a living wage. I know many actors and directors are in the same boat, but this is my blog, not theirs.

The other somewhat unfortunate thing about leaving now for two months is that I have begun things in my personal life that are now on hold for weeks at a time. And who knows what the situations will be like when I return. Because timing is everything in life.

I guess that is my fault really, for trying to have a personal life while trying to push a career, especially a career in the arts. I had been activly avoiding the whole personal life thing for a while, but sometimes things just move on their own, whether you want them to or not.

All of that movement has caught me off guard, and I am confused on several fronts. But those are tales best told at another time, if they ever are.

You didn't really think I was going to get through a blog post about myself without being cryptic, did you?

The things I am looking forward to in my travels, other than working on the shows:

Hanging out with ECAG in her new hood (that's right, I said hood)

Seeing Perseverance's new TD, a friend of mine from school.

Smoked salmon hash and eggs at the diner.

Hopefully seeing some bears before they go in to hibernate.

Catching up with Speed in Minneapolis.

New placemats from the San Fransisco Museum of Modern Art.

Seeing Brundibar at Brekley Rep.

Next time I post will probably be from Alaska.

Happy Trails

Yes, I Take Too Many Of These, But This Was Just Funny

Male Best Friend You scored 28 despair, 25 relationship potential, 100 feelings, and 100 patience

You're always there, you're nice, you're the shoulder to cry on, you get along just fine, why won't she/he date you? you're the "male best friend" DragonflyBlade21: A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 24% on despair You scored higher than 0% on potential You scored higher than 57% on feelings You scored higher than 48% on patience

Link: The Why Are You Single Test written by luminiscent on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

At Last, My Evil Genius Is Recognized! Bwaa Ha Haa!

TEH EBILEST You scored 79% Evil, 75% Violent, and 83 %Heartless!

You are so Evil, Cruel, and Heartless you are BEYOND evil overlord. Even the Evilest of evil overlords looks up to you and strives to be just like you. You are the definition of Evil Overlord and your picture should be right there beside the description in the dictionary. Now go out, gather your army, and lead them to destroy ALL!

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 80% on Evil You scored higher than 80% on Violent You scored higher than 80% on Heartless

Link: The Are you and Evil Overlord Test written by iirimarauko on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

More Mail For W.

Mr. President,

I am responding to an article in The Washington Post detailing the Senate's adoption of new limits on interrogation of detainees being held in US custody. In the article, it is reported that members of your administration, including the Vice President, had put pressure on Senate Republicans to prevent the restrictions, and that you are now threatening to veto the bill.

How is it that you and your administration do not know that the humane treatment of prisoners is the ONLY morally acceptable choice.

Mistreatment, either physical or psychological, is wrong. Under any circumstances. Just wrong. Period.

That you do not know that is just further proof of you unfitness to lead this nation.

Mr. President, I call once again for the resignation of you and your entire administration. You do not represent the leadership, political or moral, that we as a people expect of our President.

The Other Good Thing About Last Night

I got to hang out with the cast after the show, as well as Lucky Spinster and her Gentleman Caller.

Glad to see my Big Blog Sister happy.

Return To The Scene Of The Crime

I rarely see a show I have worked on after it has opened. I am generally too busy with other work anyways, and I find it difficult to look at my own work after I can't fix it any more. The few times I have been back to see my work, I can only see what isn't right, what I missed, or what isn't being done right by either the actors or the board-op/ stage manager.

So imagine my surprise when I went back to see Upshot last night over at Church Street Theatre. I knew they had been having really small houses, despite the great press the show has been getting, and I wanted to at least show my support for the incredible cast.

The show really held together, the cues (and the actors) were all in the right places, and I didn't see a thing that, given the same resources, I would change. I think it is some of the best work I have ever done, and it was a relief to see myself growing and moving forward as an artist.

If you haven't seen it, it is running through next weekend, and is well worth the trip. And not just for my work, but for the amazing work of all three cast members.

My Second Happy Thought For The Day

From Robert Fulghum's website:

"I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge -
That myth is more potent than history,
I believe that dreams are more powerful than facts -
That hope always triumphs over experience -
That laughter is the only cure for grief.
And I believe that love is stronger than death."

As for my first happy thought, that is a secret.

Synchronicity

Yes, I probably spelled the title wrong.

One of the things I love about this whole blog phenomenon, is even though I will probably never meet most of the people whose blogs I read, I seem to share a remarkable similarity with people regarding what we all hope, dream and fear.

I just read this post over at Waiter Rant. He reflects on the demons haunting him; fear of spending his life alone; wondering if his life has any meaning aside from mere existence. I know I wrestle with those same issues, and write about them on this blog ( although certainly with much less elegance*), and I see these same sentiments reflected in the blogs of others.

So the lesson is we are all in the same boat. We all want to live a peaceful life, have someone who loves us, and have an impact on the world beyond ourselves.

And for those of you who doubt that is the life you are living, I offer this old Suffi tale.

There was a man who lived a good life. The gods wanted to reward him for this and told the man they would grant him one wish. The man thought about it and then replied, "I would like to go through the world doing good for others and not know it."

The gods thought this was such a good idea, they granted this wish to everyone.

You have no idea the good you do in the world. Just try to give more positive energy than negative, and I promise it makes a difference. Even if it's just the comfort of knowing that someone else understands the way you feel.

Peace In Yer Crease.

* I am not fishing here. I long ago accepted that I was not good at everything I did. I am just fortunate to be good at the things I truly love.

I Worry About Myself Sometimes

I just got my latest I-tunes reciept, and noticed I purchased "I Will Always Love You". Yes, the Whitney Houston version. And I love the song.

It is not the most embarassing thing in the ole music collection, though. God willing, nothing will ever push out Kylie Minogue's Fever CD from that category.

What's the most embaressing thing in your music collection?

Shameless Plug

Print out this post to get $5 off the ticket price.

The World Premiere of

UpShot
by Ami Dayan

A darkly comedic story about a playwright who struggles to create a show about Earth’s last surviving human being. Things go ballistic when the “character” declares war on his creator’s world! A play about the power of creation in the face of destruction.

“To say Upshot is one cool piece of theatre would be accurate, but that statement alone would not do it justice... Unique ideas and presentation make Upstart a production you should include in your fall theatre plans.... more than worth a visit.”
--DC Theatre Reviews (www.dctheatrereviews.com)


“... the series of battles that ensue is heady fodder for the sort of viewer who wants to debate God vs. man, man vs. woman, art vs. life over a post-show espresso.”
--City Paper


“Forum Theatre-Dance, is continuing to present some fascinating experimental drama with their current Upshot... one hopes that the word gets around quickly to assure a successful run for this dynamic company. ”

“Shirley Serotsky shows the finest direction in her career...”
--AllArtsReview4U.com

October 6th – October 16th, 2005
Thursdays-Saturdays at 8pm / Sundays at 2pm

@ The Church Street Theater
1742 Church Street NW, Washington DC
Between 17th & 18th and Q & P Streets, N.W.
2 blocks from the Dupont Circle Metro Stop (Red Line)

director · Shirley Serotsky
featuring · Scott Graham, Jason Lott & Adrienne Nelson
designers · David C. Ghatan, Klyph Stanford, Michael Dove, Kenneth Gilbert, Austin Bragg, Benjamin Flaherty
stage management · Katie Clemmons
producers · Brent Lowder and Michael Dove

What Do You Know

Obi-Wan Kenobi You scored 78% wisdom, 33% aggression, 51% power, and 81% morality!

You are one of the wisest Jedi of them all, and have had a very eventful career full of failures and successes. You are a skilled fighter, having defeated many powerful opponents in your time. You are not overly aggressive, though. You are more reserved and collected. Your sense of morality is without question, and you are a model Jedi.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 58% on wisdom You scored higher than 22% on aggression You scored higher than 6% on power You scored higher than 66% on morality

Link: The Famous Jedi or Sith Test written by SarumantheMad on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Ups And Downs

I am not allowed to blog about it, but I had a really great time yesterday evening.

So that is the up.

The downs: S and I don't seem to have gotten past our big fight from last week. The conversations now are short, strained, and not about anything real. She is planning to return to New Orleans next week, and I am hoping that will make things better, as she gets back to the life that has been on hold since Katrina hit.

I am not sure I will get to see her before she leaves, and I must admit to being bothered by the fact that she has made no effort to come down from Frederick to see me. I have made the trip up there once, but she has been in the area since before the hurricane hit, and you would think she could find some way to get down here.

Of course I feel extremely selfish even expressing that thought. And I suppose I am.

The other down I can't even write about.

Well, maybe I can. I am wondering if someone has just disappeared from my life. And if they have, why.

Why I Am An Atheist

I have been trying to express this for a while now, and while it is not all there yet, I would like some feedback on this. A Warning: If you are deeply religious, you may find this somewhat offensive. It is not my intention to offend, but to illustrate my issues with religous ideas, and hopefully start a productive dialouge.

Here is my problem with the common Christian notion of God. We have this omnipotent being, who created mankind in his own image, endowed him with free will, and then cast him out of paradise for committing the sin of disobedience.

So we have this god who sits in judgment over his creation. Yet he sends his only son to die for their sins, because they are incapable of being worthy of salvation, of being morally perfect.

Let’s pause to consider this. God judges us, holds us to a standard we are incapable of obtaining because we were made imperfect. We were made imperfect by the same god who now measures our transgressions against him.

Say I build a clock. I choose the materials and craft it with my own hands. And say that clock fails to keep time, to behave in the way I expect it to. Do I have a right to be mad at the clock for it’s failure to meet my expectations, or should I instead be angry with the clock maker, i.e. me?

If we are truly incapable of achieving the moral perfection demanded by the Christian’s god, and need some outside savior, Jesus, to redeem us in the eyes of that god, then what is the fucking point of this entire exercise we call human existence? And if we needed this intermediary to obtain salvation, why did god wait so long to send him? Even if we accept the crackpot notion that the world is only a little over 5,000 years old, we have 3000 years of human existence before he got around to sending this savior, this “symbol of his unconditional love”. Am I the only one who thinks that’s a long time for people created by this supposed loving god to wait for their only chance of salvation?

This idea that god loves the world unconditionally also drives me nuts. If god truly loved his creations, we wouldn’t need a savior at all. The word “unconditional” means without prerequisites. I shouldn’t need to believe Jesus was the son of god to be saved, especially when I have been created to need salvation in the first place.

What do we need this god for, this god who judges us for failing to meet expectations we are incapable of living up to, because of the way he made us?

Some would argue that we have the capacity within ourselves to achieve this moral perfection, all we need is our discipline, our intellect, our introspection, and our reason. That mankind has within itself the means to this perfection, to redeem itself, as it were, I don’t argue. I believe it wholeheartedly. But if this is true, if we do have within ourselves the means to salvation, then what do we need god for?

And if god is operating under the clock worker model, building the world, winding it up and then leaving it to operate by itself, I question the need for god. If he is not willing to accept responsibility for the colossal fuck-up that is the human condition, then we certainly don’t need him.

Some would say the world was made perfectly, and mankind is what fucked it up. To that I would counter that the human race is not somehow magically separate from the rest of the world. We exist in it, and so if there is a god, he is responsible for what we have done to it.

I would like to believe there is a god, so I could confront him with the complete debacle he has created. And this is why I cannot accept the notion of a loving creator god. If there were such a god, empathy would be an innate human trait, not one that has to be learned.

There was an episode of Star Trek where one of the crew members died, and Data questioned Riker about why people had been more upset by Tasha Yar’s death than by the death of this crew member not many people had known. Riker responded “If we all felt the loss of those we don’t know as keenly as the loss of those we do, the history of humankind would have been entirely different."

Amen Brother.

Just Found This

A blog written by a US Serviceman stationed in Iraq. It makes for some interesting reading.

A Moment Of Silence

For the passing of playwright August Wilson.

How Correct (And Depressing) Is This?

I found this link at Love Is A Cunt

Do's and Don'ts of Cultivating and Maintaining a Platonic Friendship with a Woman You Would Otherwise Want To Have a Relationship With and Quite Possibly Marry.

Those of you who have ever been in this situation will get it.

How In The World...

Did it get to be October 1st?

Just yesterday it was March.

Flipping The Coin

Remember the movie Bandits with Bruce Willis and Billy Bob Thornton? I cannot remember the name of the woman who played the female lead, but in the movie her character falls for both Willis and Thornton’s characters. Unable to choose, she decides to try to be with both of them. We feel sorry for her because she is caught in an impossible situation, having to make an impossible choice.

Now, reverse that. Imagine it is a man torn between two women. You would never be able to make that a successful mainstream film. Everyone would tear it apart as a tale of a commitment phobic, double dealing asshole. Someone who wants to have his cake and eat it too.

Why is that? Why can we believe a woman can be torn equally between two men, but not the reverse? Do we really find it that impossible to fathom?

Is it possible, for either sex to have equal feelings about two different people at the same time?

I would love to hear from anyone who has been in this situation, and how, or if, it was resolved.

MMM… Insomnia

Thursday night I had a huge fight with my best friend. We don’t do that very often, and even though we smoothed things over yesterday, I was still emotionally overwrought. I went to bed at 11:00 PM, exhausted. I woke at 3:00 AM. I have been up ever since.

I have had bouts of insomnia for most of my adult life. They seem to be worse when I am A) single, and B) working from home/ studio. When I get like this, I try not to just lay in bed trying to sleep. I usually get up and do something, and I sometimes even manage to tire myself out so I can get back to sleep.

This is not turning out to be one of those times.

So while I am up, a few things I have been thinking about:

I am trying to articulate my position on the notion of god, and am having a great deal of difficulty getting it out in some way that makes sense.

I have been trying to improve my writing, because it bothers me I am not better able to communicate my thoughts.

I have come to realize I have been hiding behind my emotional intimacy with S. She is the person I have been sharing my mental and emotional inner life with for so long that I don’t feel the need to find someone else who I can share it with. For all my bitching about my loneliness, I am the one who has been standing in the way of finding someone to be with.

The above is a long winded way of saying I have figured out I am ready to be in a relationship again.

A few have commented about my cryptic-ness in the last couple of posts. Yeah, sorry bout that. Too many people I know read this thing.

No one should read anything into the above statement. I am just trying to keep a private thought private.

By the end of next week, I should have my website up and running. With pictures and everything. Stay tuned.

I have been thinking about doing the adspace thing here on the old blog. Has anyone else done this and what has been your experience?

I occasionally pose questions about relationships here at The Lighting Designer’s Life. By some of your responses, it seems some think these questions pertain to me directly. Rarely is that the case. I am something of a relationship philosopher, and so ask these questions to see what people think about different issues/ ideas. I am not trying to draw value judgments on people’s ideas, I just want to know what people think.

As a companion to that thought, my posts, particularly those with a more negative slant, are almost never the only way I think about a certain situation. I express the more negative aspects of my thoughts here so that I am not venting them in a non-productive way. So if you are reading this, and believe you see yourself in what I have to say, please don’t take it personally. It is just one side of how I feel about something.

So Much For The Clarity

And that is all I will say about that.

Confused?

Me too.

My Conundrum...

Is more murky and clearer all at the same time.

Love that.

Really.

And Sometimes I Am A Forgetful Asshole

After my post of yesterday, I would be remiss if I didn't say what an absolute delight all three cast members were to work with.

So Thanx, guys.

The Gods Are Still Chortling

And that’s all I have to say on that.

Some of you may understand.

It Was The Best Of Times, It Was The Worst Of Times

One of the best things about working in the theatre, is no matter how bad the production process may be, no matter how much you may want to choke the life out of the actors/ director/ choreographer/ costume designer, the show opens, and you can move on to the next project.

One of the worst things about working in the theatre is no matter how good the experience is, it always opens and you must move on to the next project.

I have been having an even mixture of both over the past week and a half. There have been issues with other technical elements on the production, which have caused a lot of stress for the director and myself. But despite that, I have had a wonderful time working with the director, and more recently the playwright. While I am glad to have the production angst over, I am sorry to not have regular contact with some of the people involved.

I frequently go through a bout of post show depression. I am experiencing that right now.

In addition, it seems that my life going so well has tipped the balance and so most of the people I am close to are experiencing horrilble personal traumas. S is still waiting to find out when she can return home to New Orleans, and trying to figure out if there is going to be a life to return to. I have another friend having female related health issues. Another friend's husband abandoned her in June, telling her he "just didn't want to have to think about her when planning his life"*. Two others are contemplating whether they should disolve their current relationships.

It's very hard for me to watch people I care for suffering. I want to mount my white steed, charge in and fix the problem. But of course I can't, and so all I can do is listen, and say "I'm sorry." It doesn't feel like enough. I would like to say to them it's going to be OK, but as much as I don't like to admit it, I am not god, and so have no way to keep that promise.

On to happier topics.

I have been forbidden to blog about it, but I had a very nice time yesterday evening.


*BL, one of the Multi-State, Girlie-Advising Posse, is one of the warmest, most giving, smart, funny and sexy women I have ever known. She is a truley good human being, and after talking with her on the phone, I wanted to take a baseball bat to her ex husband for the way he has treated her.

And After That Last Post, This Is Somewhat Suprising

Above Average You scored 60 Fuckability!

We might have some fun together, or not. At least you have a better chance with me then the next guy.

This test tracked 1 variable. How the score compared to the other people's: Higher than 60% on Fuckability

Link: The How Fuckable Are You Test written by sadkeylimepie on Ok Cupid

We Have Long Suspected This

Woman!! You scored 20 manliness!

A real guy would score at least 100 on this test. In fact, a real guy would score at least 150, because he would get the special 50-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer. But you... are not that guy.

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 12% on manliness

Link: The Are You a Real Man Test written by Falkdoctaspot on OkCupid Free Online Dating

Note To Self

Don't go 26 hours without eating.

It gives you a migraine and makes you very cranky.

Am I Exuding Phermones...

Or do I just look that bad?

In the past two weeks, three different men have passed me on the street, given me long, meaningful stares, and then made a comment that has been some variation on "Wow."

I must admit I find myself mystified.

Word Verification

I finally got around to turning on word verification for comments. Hopefully my loyal readers/ responders will continue to offer me their whining drivel, er, I mean pithy and searing insights.

That last part was a joke, BTW.

Monday Morning At The Office

I had to get up early this morning to run some errands this morning before I head to load-in at the Kennedy Center. In plotting out my route this morning, I decided to go to a different branch of my office (Starbucks) than I usually visit to do my online business.

I am now awash in corporate/ government America, a much different breed than the crowd that tend to frequent my local office. While I certainly experience this phenomenon to a certain extent at my usual haunt, it is stunning to me how many of these people behave as if they were the most important person in the universe.

There is a longer rant here, but my heart is not really in it. The truth is, I am happy. And so, though there are negative things going on around me, I cannot focus on them.

I am finally living the life I am supposed to. When you are doing that, it is amazing how much other stuff doesn't bother you.

The show I am cuurently working on for Forum Theatre and Dance, Upshot, is having some technical difficulties related to the use of projections, but I feel good about my work, and I love working with the director, City Mouse. The next day or so may be a little rocky. One of our cast has been in another show, so we have not had the whole cast onstage at the same time in five days. We have had to tech in bits and pieces which has been a little frustrating. Still, the cast has been very positive and upbeat, and I think once we get through the next day or so, we are going to have a really good show.

For those of you wondering about the other things in my life, I am afraid you are just going to have to keep wondering. At least for a while.

Peace in yer crease, yall.

My Brain Is Mush

But we have the beginnings of a show.

The cast have been wonderfully patient with an extremely tech heavy show, and their good spirits have been a godsend this week.

Brain oozing out of ear now, but more later.

A Skip In My Step

On my way home from rehearsal last night, I stopped outside Starbucks to check my email.

I walked home with a bigger grin on my face than I have had in a long time.

One Of The Great Things About Blogging

Sometimes the act of writing down a complaint in a public forum is that it actually goads you into doing something about it.

Contact has been made.

And now we wait.

I Am Such A Wanker

From yesterday's post, I got the contact info for the person I had been thinking about asking out. And now I am too nervous to actually use it.

And this is why I am still single, I guess.

That Last Post...

...was a hint. You know who you are.

Do We Think This Is A Sign?

The day after I decided to end my dating boycott, the site I have a personals profile on, The Onion, went to a pay site.

And the one person I was thinking of asking out I have no way to contact.

It was easier in the cave.

Leap And The Net Will Appear: A Testimonial

At 3:00 PM on Friday, I ended my summer day job.

I am now totally self employed, living the life of a freelance designer.

A part of me is scared shitless.

But the larger part of me is happier than I have ever been in my life. It has taken me a long time to get here. I had to go through a false start in college, a failed marriage and the loss of many of my dearest friends to reach this point, but I am finally living the life I am supposed to live.

Of course many would say the life I am supposed to live is one of seeking security, securing a good paying job with benefits. Owning a home and settling down with someone. But I tried all that (except the home ownership thing), and what the universe kept whispering to me, though I refused to listen for a long time, was that I had to feed my soul.

I believe to be truly happy, you have to do what you are. Unfortunetly for some, doing what you are goes in direct contradiction to what our culture says is a reasonable pursuit. Most people in the arts face low wages, lack of health insurance and other benefits, difficulty finding a partner who understands the needs of our profession*, and a society at large that often questions whether what we do is worthwhile. Well meaning friends and family members often harp upon these issues.

So it is easy to doubt. I did it for a long time. I lived a half life existence where I tried to maintain a standard of material comfort for myself and my exwife, and pursue my tue passion in my spare time. And I found this half involvement in the arts even more frustrating.

But finally, I could no longer deny who I was. And I started on a path.

Or, more acurately, I began to leap.

And the net appeared.

I decided to return to school to finish my degree at North Carolina School of the Arts. I applied and was accepted, but was unable to come up with the tution. I was talking about it with my father, and he said "send me the bill and I will pay it." He payed over $30,000 in tuition over the next two years while I fininshed my BFA. The net appeared.

In March of last year, while graduation was approaching and I was trying to figure out how I would be able to afford moving and restarting a stalled career, I got a call from a friend who was the general manager of the rigging company I used to work for. She offered me three months of work for the summer, which allowed me to get back on my feet in the community I wanted to work in. The net appeared.

Three weeks ago, while I was trying to figure out how long I was going to have to keep working the day job, I got three work offers that have let me go back to being a freelance artist. The net appeared.

If you can let go of your fear, have a little faith, and boldly pursue the life you know in your soul you are supposed to be living, you will be surprised at the ways in which the universe will open the path before you.

Leap, and the net will appear.

It really does work.

Return To The Insanity

I have now officially ended my dating boycott.

It's Time To Face It

George Bush is quite possibly the worst leader in the history of the US Presidency. The man has completely bungled every crisis the US has faced.

Supporters of the Presidential Imbecile point out that W cut short his vacation to come back to Washington and deal with the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina.

W is, as part of his job, Commander In Chief of the nations armed forces. As we are at war in two different countries, one is left wondering,

WHAT THE FUCK IS THE COMMANDER IN CHIEF DOING ON VACATION?!?!?!?!

Are any of the officers or enlisted men currently stationed in Iraq allowed to go on vacation? I don't think so.

The hurricane struck last monday. Why did he wait untiil Wednesday to return to Washington?

When is the nation going top wise up and realise this man is leading s down the road to ruin?

And we are paying a premium at the gas pump while we do it.

But that is a rant for another time.

Only Five More Days

I have only five more working days on which I have to get up at 4:30 AM.

Woo Hoo!

Will Work For Work

I am going to try to set up a network to help people displaced by the Hurricane find temporary work. Most of the people I know who are coming into this area are coming from service industries, so if you know someone who owns a restaurant or bar that might be able to employ some temporary help, please let me know.

I will be investigating putting this info into it's own space, so people can post or view listings directly.

Only A Few Moments Here

But I wanted to post a bit about the hurricane and it's aftermath.

First, special thanks to all who have called or emailed your concerns about S.

She is safely in Maryland, staying at her mother's house. She is frantic about friends from NO, and whether or not she has a home or job to return to, but otherwise she is fine.

Times like these test faith, even the faith in Atheism. I sometimes wonder if these sorts of things happen to allow humanity to redeem itself by reaching out to their fellow mankind with compassion.

The fucking morons who are shooting at ambulances attempting to evacuate hospitals in New Orleans, are failing this test miserably.

The National Gaurd is on it's way (and would have been there before now had most of them not been on active duty in Iraq!), and an already tragic situation is about to turn bloody.

Please donate what you can to the American Red cross, and designate the money for hurricane relief. This situation is going to strain relief agencies to degrees we cannot imagine.

Peace