MMM… Insomnia

Thursday night I had a huge fight with my best friend. We don’t do that very often, and even though we smoothed things over yesterday, I was still emotionally overwrought. I went to bed at 11:00 PM, exhausted. I woke at 3:00 AM. I have been up ever since.

I have had bouts of insomnia for most of my adult life. They seem to be worse when I am A) single, and B) working from home/ studio. When I get like this, I try not to just lay in bed trying to sleep. I usually get up and do something, and I sometimes even manage to tire myself out so I can get back to sleep.

This is not turning out to be one of those times.

So while I am up, a few things I have been thinking about:

I am trying to articulate my position on the notion of god, and am having a great deal of difficulty getting it out in some way that makes sense.

I have been trying to improve my writing, because it bothers me I am not better able to communicate my thoughts.

I have come to realize I have been hiding behind my emotional intimacy with S. She is the person I have been sharing my mental and emotional inner life with for so long that I don’t feel the need to find someone else who I can share it with. For all my bitching about my loneliness, I am the one who has been standing in the way of finding someone to be with.

The above is a long winded way of saying I have figured out I am ready to be in a relationship again.

A few have commented about my cryptic-ness in the last couple of posts. Yeah, sorry bout that. Too many people I know read this thing.

No one should read anything into the above statement. I am just trying to keep a private thought private.

By the end of next week, I should have my website up and running. With pictures and everything. Stay tuned.

I have been thinking about doing the adspace thing here on the old blog. Has anyone else done this and what has been your experience?

I occasionally pose questions about relationships here at The Lighting Designer’s Life. By some of your responses, it seems some think these questions pertain to me directly. Rarely is that the case. I am something of a relationship philosopher, and so ask these questions to see what people think about different issues/ ideas. I am not trying to draw value judgments on people’s ideas, I just want to know what people think.

As a companion to that thought, my posts, particularly those with a more negative slant, are almost never the only way I think about a certain situation. I express the more negative aspects of my thoughts here so that I am not venting them in a non-productive way. So if you are reading this, and believe you see yourself in what I have to say, please don’t take it personally. It is just one side of how I feel about something.