I have been having trouble settling into a groove here. Normally, an assistant is either someone brought in by the designer, or someone with a staff position at the theatre. I am neither. I did not get the paperwork for the show until the day before I came here, so I don't have a firm grasp on the way the designer has organized her information. I am also unfamiliar with CTC's operating procedures, so I don't know what the dynamic usually is, or even where to go to get things (I was here for a whole day before I even knew how to get onto the stage).
The consequence of all of this is I have not been feeling on my game. And I hate that. While I am never sure of myself in almost any other aspect of my life, the one place I always feel like I know what I am doing is the theatre.
As City Mouse pointed out, it is probably good for me to get rattled around every once in a while. Keeps me honest, and hopefully softens that whole arrogant prick thing I have going.
The other odd thing about the situation here is that I have absolutely no emotional investment in the project. I am nervous about doing a good job, but that has more to do with where I am working and with whom. I am ambivilant about the show itself. I am working just to work and that is not a place I like to be.
And that is the reason I probably will never have a career in commercial theatre. I am not someone who can be passionate about just collecting a check. For me to be at my best, I have to have an emotional investment in the project as a whole, not just my part of it.
Perhaps that is why I really have not been feeling on my game here.
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