The Gods Are Still Chortling

And that’s all I have to say on that.

Some of you may understand.

It Was The Best Of Times, It Was The Worst Of Times

One of the best things about working in the theatre, is no matter how bad the production process may be, no matter how much you may want to choke the life out of the actors/ director/ choreographer/ costume designer, the show opens, and you can move on to the next project.

One of the worst things about working in the theatre is no matter how good the experience is, it always opens and you must move on to the next project.

I have been having an even mixture of both over the past week and a half. There have been issues with other technical elements on the production, which have caused a lot of stress for the director and myself. But despite that, I have had a wonderful time working with the director, and more recently the playwright. While I am glad to have the production angst over, I am sorry to not have regular contact with some of the people involved.

I frequently go through a bout of post show depression. I am experiencing that right now.

In addition, it seems that my life going so well has tipped the balance and so most of the people I am close to are experiencing horrilble personal traumas. S is still waiting to find out when she can return home to New Orleans, and trying to figure out if there is going to be a life to return to. I have another friend having female related health issues. Another friend's husband abandoned her in June, telling her he "just didn't want to have to think about her when planning his life"*. Two others are contemplating whether they should disolve their current relationships.

It's very hard for me to watch people I care for suffering. I want to mount my white steed, charge in and fix the problem. But of course I can't, and so all I can do is listen, and say "I'm sorry." It doesn't feel like enough. I would like to say to them it's going to be OK, but as much as I don't like to admit it, I am not god, and so have no way to keep that promise.

On to happier topics.

I have been forbidden to blog about it, but I had a very nice time yesterday evening.


*BL, one of the Multi-State, Girlie-Advising Posse, is one of the warmest, most giving, smart, funny and sexy women I have ever known. She is a truley good human being, and after talking with her on the phone, I wanted to take a baseball bat to her ex husband for the way he has treated her.

And After That Last Post, This Is Somewhat Suprising

Above Average You scored 60 Fuckability!

We might have some fun together, or not. At least you have a better chance with me then the next guy.

This test tracked 1 variable. How the score compared to the other people's: Higher than 60% on Fuckability

Link: The How Fuckable Are You Test written by sadkeylimepie on Ok Cupid

We Have Long Suspected This

Woman!! You scored 20 manliness!

A real guy would score at least 100 on this test. In fact, a real guy would score at least 150, because he would get the special 50-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer. But you... are not that guy.

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 12% on manliness

Link: The Are You a Real Man Test written by Falkdoctaspot on OkCupid Free Online Dating

Note To Self

Don't go 26 hours without eating.

It gives you a migraine and makes you very cranky.

Am I Exuding Phermones...

Or do I just look that bad?

In the past two weeks, three different men have passed me on the street, given me long, meaningful stares, and then made a comment that has been some variation on "Wow."

I must admit I find myself mystified.

Word Verification

I finally got around to turning on word verification for comments. Hopefully my loyal readers/ responders will continue to offer me their whining drivel, er, I mean pithy and searing insights.

That last part was a joke, BTW.

Monday Morning At The Office

I had to get up early this morning to run some errands this morning before I head to load-in at the Kennedy Center. In plotting out my route this morning, I decided to go to a different branch of my office (Starbucks) than I usually visit to do my online business.

I am now awash in corporate/ government America, a much different breed than the crowd that tend to frequent my local office. While I certainly experience this phenomenon to a certain extent at my usual haunt, it is stunning to me how many of these people behave as if they were the most important person in the universe.

There is a longer rant here, but my heart is not really in it. The truth is, I am happy. And so, though there are negative things going on around me, I cannot focus on them.

I am finally living the life I am supposed to. When you are doing that, it is amazing how much other stuff doesn't bother you.

The show I am cuurently working on for Forum Theatre and Dance, Upshot, is having some technical difficulties related to the use of projections, but I feel good about my work, and I love working with the director, City Mouse. The next day or so may be a little rocky. One of our cast has been in another show, so we have not had the whole cast onstage at the same time in five days. We have had to tech in bits and pieces which has been a little frustrating. Still, the cast has been very positive and upbeat, and I think once we get through the next day or so, we are going to have a really good show.

For those of you wondering about the other things in my life, I am afraid you are just going to have to keep wondering. At least for a while.

Peace in yer crease, yall.

My Brain Is Mush

But we have the beginnings of a show.

The cast have been wonderfully patient with an extremely tech heavy show, and their good spirits have been a godsend this week.

Brain oozing out of ear now, but more later.

A Skip In My Step

On my way home from rehearsal last night, I stopped outside Starbucks to check my email.

I walked home with a bigger grin on my face than I have had in a long time.

One Of The Great Things About Blogging

Sometimes the act of writing down a complaint in a public forum is that it actually goads you into doing something about it.

Contact has been made.

And now we wait.

I Am Such A Wanker

From yesterday's post, I got the contact info for the person I had been thinking about asking out. And now I am too nervous to actually use it.

And this is why I am still single, I guess.

That Last Post...

...was a hint. You know who you are.

Do We Think This Is A Sign?

The day after I decided to end my dating boycott, the site I have a personals profile on, The Onion, went to a pay site.

And the one person I was thinking of asking out I have no way to contact.

It was easier in the cave.

Leap And The Net Will Appear: A Testimonial

At 3:00 PM on Friday, I ended my summer day job.

I am now totally self employed, living the life of a freelance designer.

A part of me is scared shitless.

But the larger part of me is happier than I have ever been in my life. It has taken me a long time to get here. I had to go through a false start in college, a failed marriage and the loss of many of my dearest friends to reach this point, but I am finally living the life I am supposed to live.

Of course many would say the life I am supposed to live is one of seeking security, securing a good paying job with benefits. Owning a home and settling down with someone. But I tried all that (except the home ownership thing), and what the universe kept whispering to me, though I refused to listen for a long time, was that I had to feed my soul.

I believe to be truly happy, you have to do what you are. Unfortunetly for some, doing what you are goes in direct contradiction to what our culture says is a reasonable pursuit. Most people in the arts face low wages, lack of health insurance and other benefits, difficulty finding a partner who understands the needs of our profession*, and a society at large that often questions whether what we do is worthwhile. Well meaning friends and family members often harp upon these issues.

So it is easy to doubt. I did it for a long time. I lived a half life existence where I tried to maintain a standard of material comfort for myself and my exwife, and pursue my tue passion in my spare time. And I found this half involvement in the arts even more frustrating.

But finally, I could no longer deny who I was. And I started on a path.

Or, more acurately, I began to leap.

And the net appeared.

I decided to return to school to finish my degree at North Carolina School of the Arts. I applied and was accepted, but was unable to come up with the tution. I was talking about it with my father, and he said "send me the bill and I will pay it." He payed over $30,000 in tuition over the next two years while I fininshed my BFA. The net appeared.

In March of last year, while graduation was approaching and I was trying to figure out how I would be able to afford moving and restarting a stalled career, I got a call from a friend who was the general manager of the rigging company I used to work for. She offered me three months of work for the summer, which allowed me to get back on my feet in the community I wanted to work in. The net appeared.

Three weeks ago, while I was trying to figure out how long I was going to have to keep working the day job, I got three work offers that have let me go back to being a freelance artist. The net appeared.

If you can let go of your fear, have a little faith, and boldly pursue the life you know in your soul you are supposed to be living, you will be surprised at the ways in which the universe will open the path before you.

Leap, and the net will appear.

It really does work.

Return To The Insanity

I have now officially ended my dating boycott.

It's Time To Face It

George Bush is quite possibly the worst leader in the history of the US Presidency. The man has completely bungled every crisis the US has faced.

Supporters of the Presidential Imbecile point out that W cut short his vacation to come back to Washington and deal with the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina.

W is, as part of his job, Commander In Chief of the nations armed forces. As we are at war in two different countries, one is left wondering,

WHAT THE FUCK IS THE COMMANDER IN CHIEF DOING ON VACATION?!?!?!?!

Are any of the officers or enlisted men currently stationed in Iraq allowed to go on vacation? I don't think so.

The hurricane struck last monday. Why did he wait untiil Wednesday to return to Washington?

When is the nation going top wise up and realise this man is leading s down the road to ruin?

And we are paying a premium at the gas pump while we do it.

But that is a rant for another time.

Only Five More Days

I have only five more working days on which I have to get up at 4:30 AM.

Woo Hoo!

Will Work For Work

I am going to try to set up a network to help people displaced by the Hurricane find temporary work. Most of the people I know who are coming into this area are coming from service industries, so if you know someone who owns a restaurant or bar that might be able to employ some temporary help, please let me know.

I will be investigating putting this info into it's own space, so people can post or view listings directly.

Only A Few Moments Here

But I wanted to post a bit about the hurricane and it's aftermath.

First, special thanks to all who have called or emailed your concerns about S.

She is safely in Maryland, staying at her mother's house. She is frantic about friends from NO, and whether or not she has a home or job to return to, but otherwise she is fine.

Times like these test faith, even the faith in Atheism. I sometimes wonder if these sorts of things happen to allow humanity to redeem itself by reaching out to their fellow mankind with compassion.

The fucking morons who are shooting at ambulances attempting to evacuate hospitals in New Orleans, are failing this test miserably.

The National Gaurd is on it's way (and would have been there before now had most of them not been on active duty in Iraq!), and an already tragic situation is about to turn bloody.

Please donate what you can to the American Red cross, and designate the money for hurricane relief. This situation is going to strain relief agencies to degrees we cannot imagine.

Peace

Mastercard Moment

Plane Ticket: $372.00

Dinner Out: $160.00

Not worrying about your best friend because she is visiting you instead of being at home in New Orleans:

Priceless.

Random Thursday Musings

I started blogging because I was spending way too much time by myself, and consequently, waaaay too much time in my own head. I was making myself nuts and decided I needed to share the wealth.

I have been in California for a week now, and spent a great deal of time since the weekend on my own. Thus, lots of thinking. I haven't posted in a few days because my thoughts at the moment have been racing too far ahead of my ability to type. But I have decided it is time to get back out of my head.

Stuff I have been thinking about:

I read Nick Hornby's High Fidelity the other day. In the book, Rob, the main character, states that it is not possible to contemplate ending a relationship unless there is the possibility of someone else. I am not sure that is entirely off base. Although I have never left someone for someone else, I have never ended a relationship where there wasn't at least the possibility of pursuing someone else. But I suppose there is always that possiblity. What prevents the possibility of dating someone else is the person you are currently dating.*

So what do you think, gentle readers? Have you ever ended it with someone without the possibility of something else?

I am especially curious to see whether women's experiences with this are different than men's.

Other things I have been thinking about.

The best parts of being single are also the worst parts of being single. It just depends on your outlook and where you are in your life at the time. The same is true for being in a relationship.

I think I may be ready to end my dating boycott (being agressively single, as I call it). Of course, I will be spending about half of the next three months out of town.

I- Tunes Rocks. I am now lusting after an I- Pod.

I need a plan for Thanksgiving that does not involve my immediate family.

The show I am doing here is a really good script. I am hoping it will have a lfie after this run.

The show is also essentially done from my end. I am ready to be back home.

I have been less than dilligent about reading blogs this past week or so. Sorry to all my blog siblings. Sometimes you just need to be on your own for a bit.

*I don't mean this nearly as crappy as it sounds.

Theatre In The Nam

The email traffic went something like this.

E: "I have this show I'm working on. You interested?"

LD: "Of course."

E: "Great. I'll have the AD get in touch with you about contract and stuff."

Months go by.

LD: "Still have not recieved a contract (or, for that matter the second act). Whose cage do I need to rattle?"

E: "I will get on them about that."

Weeks go by. I get the second act, but no contract. Also no scenery groundplan, section, or lighting inventory.

LD: "Still no contract. Somewhat nervous about getting on a plane at this point."

E: "I will talk to their production manager."

Finally get a contract. I get on a plane and fly to California.

I arrive at the theatre and venture into the house just in time to unplug an extension cable that has a connector in the process of melting. The cause: far too many flood light fixtures plugged into it, drawing more power than the cable and connector are rated for.

The staff technical director does not even know the names of the lighting units in the theatre's inventory, let alone know how they are used or know better than to plug four 1000 watt worklight fixtures into one cable.

The theatre, like many converted spaces, has lighting positions and circuits in all the wrong places. It is a proscenium house with a solid ceiling over the stage.

I began hanging lights yesterday morning. I lost the stage to the actors for eight hours, and resumed hanging around 9:30 PM. I was there until 3:30 this morning. I went to my accomodations ( the Artistic Director's mother's house) and sleot for four hours, then returned for tech rehearsal this morning.

We ran the show this afternoon, and by some minor miracle the thing held together. I have a fair amount of tweaking and poking still to do, but we are not nearly as badly off as I was afraid we would be. The show should be in really great shape by the time we get to previews.

Off to collapse. ECAG has tagged me with a meme, but I am afraid it will have to wait for a few days.

Peace in yer crease.

Not So Much Beauty On The Walls, Though

There is an apalling amount of truly bad art hung on the walls in restaurants and cafes here in Lafayette.

I guess if you have beautiful people to look at you don't care about ugly art.

Me, I'd rather have beautiful art. Let's face it, human beauty fades.*


*And here again I am talking strictly about physical beauty.

I Am Probably Asking For Trouble Here

There seems to be a disproportionate number of stunningly, achingly beautiful* women here in Northern California.

I wonder why that is?

* I am talking about physical beauty of course. And before I get flamed about inner beauty vs outer beauty, I would like to say my admiration for physical beauty is simiar to my admiration for the houses of Frank Loyd Wright. Pretty to look at, but Iwould want to examine one closely before living in one, since most of his houses have perpetually leaking roofs.

Greetings From Sunny California

I arrived yesterday in Lafayette, CA.

I am here to design lighting for Love Lafayette, a new play written by the Artistic Director of Town Hall Theatre. My friend E is directing, which is how I ended up out here. The space is quirky, as are some of the staff, but everyone here is friendly.

And the weather here is sunny, breezy, and Not The Least Bit Humid.

I may never leave.

Do You Board The Titanic If Even You Can See The Iceberg?

I dated the Vegitarian for about three months. When we started seeing each other, the subject of kids came up. She works with kids, and very much looks forward to being a mother. And I think she will make an excellent one.

I would rather have a root canal minus anesthetic than be a parent. I don't want kids. Quite frankly, I don't understand the procreative urge at all.

I told the Vegiterian this (maybe not in such blunt terms), and we had a breif pause while she considered whether or not she wanted to continue seeing each other. We did keep dating, but it was obvious (to me at least) that we would end up going our seperate ways.

So I would ask my readers this. Do you launch into a relationship with someone even though you know you have an issue you are completly incompatable on?

Things Not To Do In Haste

Post half assed comments you will later have to explain.

The explanation: I have no interest in being a director. I am not so self deluded to think I would be any good at at. My interest in studying directing is about the desire to grow as a designer.

I attended a very good school for design. Although there are some graduate design programs that would assist me from a career standpoint, there are not any that would not be in some way redundant to my undergrad. Not saying I have nothing else to learn as a designer, far from it. But I feel as if I am at a level of development that the continued growth will be through doing it, and I am at a point where people will pay me to design, vs my paying someone else for the privilige.*

I want to study directing to better understand the process from that standpoint. To gain some new insight into text analysis, and to get a better grounding in some performance styles that place the actor at the center of the theatrical experience, as opposed to the playwright.

I think I offended someone whom I enjoy working with immensley, and who is very dear to me personally, by my post about grad school. So, I hope they will accept this mea culpa.


*Wow, could that paragraph have sounded any more arrogant?

Have I Lost My Mind?

I am giving serious consideration to going to graduate school.

For Directing.

Your thoughts, gentle readers?

An Apology

Life is somewhat crazy at the moment.

• I have three motorized electrics I am installing in a high school north of Columbia, and the machinery is brand new (we are installing serial numbers 4, 5, and 6), so we are discovering some things as we go along. We are also working ten hour days to get the project done by the completion date.
• I am preparing to go to California next week to design Love Lafayette for Town Hall Theatre
• I am working on Upshot for Forum Theatre, which opens next month.
• I am trying to send out portfolio material to several theatres to try and line up work for the fall.
• I am in the process of repainting my apartment.

So what is the point of al this whining? Just to say posting on the ol blog may be somewhat spotty between now and labor day weekend.

Peace in yer crease, yall.

What I Like About Country Music

One of my co-workers, a redneck islamic from the island of Trinidad (I shit you not*), listens to country music at work, and so, the rest of us have begun to do so as well.

What I love about country music is that you can get away with writing lyrics they would crucify you for if it was a pop song. Drinking to excess, suicide, lynching people, sleeping with teenage girls. It's all out there in the open on counrty radio.

One song actually has a lyric; "He put the bottle to his head and pulled the trigger."

Try writing that for top fourty radio.

And of course, my new favorite song is country. "My Give A Damn's Busted"


*What the hell does this saying even mean?

More Happy News

When I get back from California at the end of the month, there will be an S waiting for me. She is coming up from New Orleans for a few days.

I am so happy I could shout.

The Happy News

I have two weeks of work in November, assisting Beverley Emmons at Children's Theatre Co in Minneapolis, MN.

As a bonus, I will get to see an old friend from college (the first time around) while I am there.

Can anyone reccommend...

something fluffy and light-hearted to read, preferably not chic lit? Everything I read lately, be it the newspaper or magazine article, just pisses me off.

I read this evening an article about a southern gospel singer who was outed by a blackmailer. His record label dropped him, as did his promoter. He has recieved hate mail, email and telephone calls, all by supposed christians, and he still believes his attraction to other men is an abomination to god.

Who the fuck are these people?

I have a lot more to say on this subject, and the question of religion alltogether, but it will have to wait until my blood pressure lowers. I will confine myself to saying that if these people's god does not accept with love all those beings he has created, then we don't need that god.

Clearly, I need to read something happy.

Anyone have some Winnie the Pooh I can borrow?

What I Did Not Accomplish This Evening

Getting over to Washington Shakespeare Company's reading of the Scottish play*, which my blog big sister, Lucky Spinster, is in.

Sorry Sis.

I know, I know. This makes two in a row.


* Macbeth

Mr Crankypants

A number of my readers have recently pointed out to me that I seem to be somewhat "crotchety" lately, and I guess I am. I seem to walk around irrationally pissed off most of the day. I really am not sure why, but I suppose I could hazard a few guesses.

It's hotter than balls out again. And I will be working all day tommorrow in a shop with no AC.

One of my colleagues on the show I am designing in February seems hell bent on not supplying me with the drawings I need to do my work.

I have not been sleeping well, probably because of the heat.

I still have not recieved a contract for the show I am flying to California for in two weeks.

We are being hammered on to finish a project at my job. Normally fine except the manufacturer of the equipment we are installing has shipped everything late.

Have I mentioned it is hotter than balls out. No AC in my apartment either.

I am having trouble finding work for the Fall.

Newt Gingrich is considering a run for President in 2008.

There is no viable democratic candidate for 2008.

Once again, hotter than balls out.

Things I am actually happy about.

The show I am doing in September is really cool, and I love working with the woman directing it (and not just because she reads this blog).

I have a gig assisting D in January.

And, I think I may have found someone worth dropping my dating boycott for.*


*Although I am probably, as usual, misreading the signs.

Only In The Bush Administration

What do you do with Roland Arnall, who's company, Ameriquest Capitol, is under investigation in 30 states for predatory morgatge practices, and has just set aside $325,000,000 to settle these claims?

If you are George Bush, you appoint him US Ambassador to the Netherlands.

Even if the Democrats are able to take back the White House in 2008, the damage this man has done to US credibility will not be repaired in my lifetime.

More Helpful Hints For Going Out In Public

As in any city of a signifigant size, I frequently find myself in closer proximity to my fellow human beings than I would like. I have a rather large circle of personal space when I am surrounded by people I don't know (when I am cofortable with a person, I will almost sit in their lap).

I recognize, however, that I maust make accomadations for being out in public. Especially when traveling on public transit.

Since, on occasion, we are all forced to be closer to one another than maybe we would like, let me offer this gentle suggestion.

BATHE! And put on some deodorant.

Yes, I realize it is hot and humid out, and we are all sweating more than is normal. I expect the construction worker's deodorant may have failed by the time his work day is done.

But there is no excuse for the guy in a shirt and tie to smell like a homeless person who hasn't seen a shower since the first Bush was president.

And for all those pseudo-hippie wannabes, Patchouli does not count as deodorant.

Flip Flops

I am sitting in the office (Starbucks), and just observed a very attractive woman, tall, blond, gorgeous blue-green eyes. She was wearing the "little black dress" that was very flattering to her figure. And flip flops.

Flip flops.

Ladies (and gentleman), allow me to clue you in on what is apparently a big secret. Flip flops are never appropriate street wear. If you don't have sand or bathroom tile under your feet, you should not be wearing flip flops.

Many will cry out, "But they're not flip flops, they are sandals."

There is a simple test for this. Ask yourself this question:

"Did an animal die to make my footwear?"

If not, it's a flip flop.

There Is No Such Thing As Too Many Job Skills

Except, of course, when the ones you don't want to be doing pay waaaaaay better than the ones you do.

I really like the people I am working for. They run a very good company. The work is interesting and challanging. They allow me to take off whenever I please. And they pay me better than I could make doing anything else I know how to do.

But I get up at 4:30 AM. I move around big heavy things. Things measured in hundreds or thousands of pounds. We frequently work on sites before the air conditioning is working. And I keep injuring myself (yesterday: hot slag* down my welding gauntlet, melted skin, second degree burns), not because I am a klutz, but because the work I do carries with it a certain degree of danger.

I must admit that the danger factor is one of the things I love about the job. I also love the eliteness of it. Last summer I installed gear that only a handfull of people in this country have the requisite experience and skillset to do. And I am one of those people.

But it doesn't feed my soul. And lately I have been less than diligent about pursuing design work because I have been so busy at the job I would really rather not be doing but instead be designing. Something of a vicious circle.

Last week I turned down work because I was committed at my job. And that's just not right.


*slag: bits of molten material created while welding.

The Rain

I am sitting in the office, (Starbucks) watching the rain fall and realizing I have left my apartment windows open.

Mawwiage

Disclaimer: I am divorced, so may be slightly cynical about the following subject.

A couple of blogs I frequent have lately touched on the subject of marriage, and I have been somewhat surprised at how many people, especially women, use it as a standard or milestone in discussing relationships. So I did a little resesrch, and read this, and have been doing a little thinking.

I no longer belive in the institution. I believe it is possible to have a committed, loving relationship with someone without getting up in front of an official and making a vow. I also believe going through the ceremony does nothing to insure faithfullness; sexual, emotional, or financial. Either the person is going to be true to you, or they are not. No signed piece of paper is going to change that.

I also find it interesting that so many women use marriage as a yardstick for their relationships. Marriage started as a way to control women's reproductive rights and property, so why have we not seen a movement to banish the institution alltogether?

So I am curious, and would like my readership to weigh in here. Do you believe in marriage? If so, why? I am not trying to be contrary here, I just would like to understand the point of view.

Big Brother Is Watching You

This story ditsurbed the crap out of me. In the wake of the London bombings, many officials, in an attempt to appear to be doing something to help make us safe from terrorism, are calling for increased use of security cameras in subway trains and stations. Despite admissions that the cameras already in place did nothing to stop the bombers in London, these people want to spend millions of dollars so the government can monitor the comings and goings of law abiding citizens.

First, the powers we give government to protect us against what we fear, can also be used against us. And in the current climate there is no one watching the watchers. Assurances that no one would abuse the power given to them sound rather hollow in the face of the prisoner treatment scandals in Iraq and Cuba. Human history has shown that those given power over others will abuse that power unless they are subject to public scrutiny.

Second, any feeling of safety we may get from having these "security" measures in place is just an illusion. You cannot stop a group who have enough members willing to trade their lives for yours.

Third, the terrorists are able to recruit people to carry out these deeds because they have legitimate complaints against the countries in question. While I deplore the methods used, you would be naive to think this comes from simple idealogical differences. People in the terrorist's countries suffer everyday because of the policies of the US government. That is why they are able to recruit these people. If we would end the hatred that fuels the terrorist recruiting machine, we need to become the hand that feeds, because you don't bite that.

I say this often, and people tend to scoff, but we are becoming a police state. Not overnight, but slowly, step by step. And we are allowing it to happen because we are afraid. It reminds me of a science experiment I read about a few years ago. If you drop a frog into boiling water, he will immediately jump out. But if you put the frog in cold water and slowly bring it to a boil, he will sit in it until he dies. We are in the pot folks, and the heat is on.

Why Don't

We just standardize newspaper headlines to say "Everyone Hates Everyone Else, and The World Is A Giant Shithole", and call it done?

Think of the ink and paper we would save.

A Moment Of Silence

For the passing of James Doohan, who played "Scotty" in the Star Trek TV series and movies.

I Have No Idea What This Is...

but I have been tagged by my big blog sister, aka Lucky Spinster, with something called a meme.

What Is On Your Desk?

1. Scanner
2. USB Multitap thingy.
3. Laptop
4. Mouse
5. Speakers
6. Killer Klowns From Outer Space DVD (don't ask)
7. $ 0.32 in change

I have tagged the following people:

City Mouse

OK, the following person. Do I have to do five?

I, While The Gods Laugh

I, while the gods laugh, the world's vortex am.
Maelstorm of passions in that hidden sea.

Mervyn Peake

Just as Biker Chick predicted, since swearing off dating, the universe has been hurling women at me. I have received three contacts off my Onion personals posting since the beginning of the week.

Still not dating. Too much to do.

Things Learned

I got back from NY on Sunday afternoon. I went to the office and checked my mail, then came home and slept until around 11:00 PM. I awoke to terrible back pain, that had not left by the time my alarm went off at 4:30 Monday morning. I spent the entire day laying on my back (the only position I found that didn't cause pain) and watched over half of my DVD collection.

I am off again because of the pain, but at least I can sit upright.

Things I have learned over the past few days:

• I don't own enough DVDs.
• I have a disturbing inability to let things go.
• Road To Perdition gets better every time you watch it.
• I have a disturbing inability to let things go.

I spent a lot of time replaying the exam in my head. I feel better about it overall, but I am frustrated with myself for not having better drafting.

I am also a little annoyed at how arbitrary getting into the union can be. If someone offers me a union contract, I can pay $3,500 in entrance fees, and be admitted without question. Several years ago, in an attempt to boost membership, the Union admitted people who could demonstrate they were working as designers, without having them go through the exam process.

Perhaps I am just bitter.

A special thanks to all of you who have offered words (and deeds) of support and encouragment. I appreciate it more than you know.

How To Have Your Ass Handed To You

I have just awoken from my post-exam nap.

A word of explanation about the exam. It is not a standard written test. The exam is conducted in two parts. The first is a practical exercise in which you develop a rough plot* and cue list for a fictional awards show. You have 40 minutes in which to complete this part.

The second part is a portfolio review where you present and discuss three shows you have designed.

I did not finish the practical before time was called. I am fairly certain you are not supposed to. It is more a test of what your process is, what aspects you choose to concentrate on. They did tell me I was the only one so far today who had approached it with any coherent process, beginning with how to light the actor.

The second part did not go so well. The examiners (five union members with considerable experience in the field), harped a lot on my drafting, little things like line weight and sheet numbers. They liked the photos I had brought very much, but were overall very critical of my portfolio.

What pisses me off is, all the things they harped upon were things I know to do. They were things we learned in the first year of lighting design. I showed only computer generated drafting, and some of the problems (like line weight) were a result of not knowing the program well enough. If I had shown some of my hand drafting, the mistakes in my computer drafting would have shown themeslves for what they were.

I was also more comfortable about my drafting than I was about some of the other paperwork I had to produce, things like a shop order that are not really needed when you are using the theatre's equipment instead of renting it. So I concentrated on those things more than my drafting. In retrospect, not such a wise decision.

I am trying not to be too negative about the experience. I learned a lot today about what to do and what not to do. I will retake the exam in March, and I feel confident I will pass.

Thanks you to all who have expressed good wishes. I feel a little like I have let you down.


* The plot is the drawing that shows where all the lights get hung. There is more info than that on it, but you get the gist.

How Is It Possible...

..to be this mellow and such a big ball of stress all at the same time?

This week has been all about prepping all of the paperwork for taking the United Scenic Artists' exam on Saturday. I have completed my light plots, my shop orders, my channel hookups, my instrument schedules, 2/3 of my magic sheets and 2/3 of my sections. I will get all of this paperwork printed tommorrow and board a train for New York.

And I don't care if I pass or not. I just don't want to be disqualified for lack of paperwork.

Yessiree folks, My Give A Damn's Busted.

I may not be able to post until after my exam, so please send happy thoughts towards NY on Saturday around 12:30.

Thanx.

Buried In Paperwork

I have come to the conclusion that the exam to become a member of United Scenic Artists, the union that represents theatrical designers, is simply a test of tenacity. The amount of paperwork I am having to produce as part of my portfolio is staggering. I can feel the trees glaring at me as I walk by. Very little of the paperwork being sought is a reflection of my talent or abilities as a designer. Most is being produced to show I can provide the producer and production electrician* the neccessary paperwork to mount the show.

I am having to generate some of the paperwork from scratch, because some of it is specific to commercial theatre, where all the equipment used is rented or purchased. Other pieces are ones I only do in rough form as a tool for myself.

The exam is Saturday. I hope I can get all this done in time.

*Production Electrician: The person responsible for making sure all the lights are hung where the designer wants them, and making sure they all work in the manner the designer intended. Think carpenter to architect.

Universal Weirdness

While I was on site today, I received a message from someone at Universal Studios Orlando, stating they had my resume and wanted to speak with me about a position. It took me the better part of the day to figure out how they even got my resume.

I called back and left a message.

We will see.

Return Of The Machines

This morning I returned to a certain performing arts venue in the metro area. I imagine my feelings were similar to those who visited the Normandy Beach decades after participating in the Allied invasion of the European continent. You are proud of what was accomplished, but the memories still fill you with loathing and dread.

I spent the better part of last summer installing the acoustic reflector panels that allow the sound of the room to be adjusted depending on what sort of musical performance is being given. I also installed the winches that hang the lighting fixtures over the stage.

I won't bore you with the technical details, but I will say that these lighting winches are the most heinous pieces of shit ever installed in a theatrical venue. Quite simply, they don't work. And they don't work because they were a stupid idea to begin with.

So today, I spent six and a half hours tinkering again with these things, trying to get them to at least partly function the way they were designed to. And I am back there tommorrow, with the theatre consultant.

Don't be surprised if you see me on the six o'clock news.

Friday

The day had less than auspicious beginnings.

Because of my back injury, I had spent most of the night shifting around trying to find a position in which I was comfortable. I never did find one.

My alarm went off at 4:30 AM, and after silencing that annoying noise, I became aware of the Niagra Falls-like sounding deluge going on outside. My four and a half block walk to the Metro under a less than adequate umbrella, had my clothes damp, and my feet absolutely soaked.

I headed over to Union Station to meet E, one of my Multi-State, Girlie-Advising Posse, and the General Manager for the company I am presently working with. On the drive into the office, we proceeded to have an argument over whether or not someone 22 years old has less baggage than someone 34. E and I have never really argued. It was very disconcerting.

We arrived at the office, and E and the owner soon departed for a court appearance. I negelcted to get instructions for operating the AC before they left, so I was left in my damp clothes in the freezing cold office, sitting at a computer drafting. I was now officially grumpy.

I fininshed out the day uneventfully, went to the bank and headed home.

I stopped at my office (Starbucks) to check my mail. While I was there, I got a call from a friend from college who is in town for the summer. A group of us had made plans to get together for a drink, but I was really not in the mood, and when she told me the other part of our group was not coming, I was relieved. Then she said "Well I'm still going, and there is someone here you might want to see."

I agreed to meet her, though I could not imagine anyone I would at that moment be glad to see.

I could not have been more wrong. I got to the bar, and waiting there for me was R, my kid sister. R and I are not really related, but she is the little sister I never had. I had not seen her since March, and I was delighted beyond description at the surprise.

We hung out. We had dinner. We caught up. She is heading to Wisconsin in August to do a one year internship at Milwaukee Rep. When we first met, she was struggling in the program at school, not sure of herself and whetehr or not she belonged there. We spent a great deal of time talking over my two years there. Outside of my own growth while I was there, my biggest joy was watching her's. I could not be more proud of the young woman she has grown into.

We were joined by our group member that had sworn he wasn't coming. We left for another bar. We were joined by more people who had gone to North Carolina School of the Arts. Suddenly, we were having an impromptu reunion.

I had a fantastic time last night. I got to talk to the Artistic Director of a small theatre in town about a few projects. I finally got to speak a little with the director I have been trying to contact for weeks.

I dropped off everyone at their respective conveyances, and caught a cab home. The cabbie stopped to pick up a twentysomething couple on their way to the same part of town. And the best part of the evening by far?

The girl in the cab asks me "Why are you out by yourself?"

"Because I choose to be."

I Am Crushed

Lucky Spinster has moved me off her Featured Blogs.

:(

Owwwwww.

My alarm went off, as it usually does weekdays, at 4:30 AM. I sat up to hit the snooze before the loud blaring could awaken my house guest.

I was in agonizing pain.

I called into work, laid back down, and decided to go to the doctor as soon as a decent hour had arrived.

I awoke again several hours later, still in pain, and starving to death. I had laid down last night intending to ease the pain in my back. I fell asleep in my clothes, and without having eaten dinner.

So I grabbed something to eat, and headed for the hospital.

I was there for over five freakin hours.

All to be told, "Yes, you have strained your back. No heavy lifting, and here take these."

The cute PA did tell me I wasn't allowed to get rear ended anymore (this is not my first time, sadly) Too bad I am no longer dating.

Posting may be a bit light the rest of the week. I will be trying to recouperate.

A New Decision

I have decided to go on dating hiatus.

Don't laugh.

Really.

Stop f#%king laughing.

I have decided to turn all the energy I was spending (wasting?) on this whole dating concept, and turn it back to what I want for myself. Things like my career and my friends and family. And yes, I do someday want a real relationship with a real woman. I have just come to believe now is not the time. I have too much to do first.

Now some who know me will say, "But Lighting Designer, you haven't been on a date in, like a month. How do you spin not being able to find a date into a personal choice?"

Easy. I am going to stop pursuing it.

OK, really, you need to stop laughing.

Survey Says...

After some polling using random samples of people I know*, the numbers have come in, and it would seem I am an arrogant prick.

I have decided I am OK with that. Which probably reinforces that whole arrogant prick thing.

* By random, I mean almost everyone who I have ever worked with that is still speaking with me.

Tuesday Is The New Monday.

Have you ever wanted a reset button on the day?

Y, my coworker who has graciously been giving me rides to the site, picked me up at our usual time this morning. We arrived on site, expecting to be meeting the electricians who would be wiring up the motorised winches we had installed.

No sign of the electricians.

Also no sign of J, our other coworker.

Called J. Left message asking him to pick up the large pair of cable cutters we needed to do any other work onsite.

Locked Y and myself out of the building. Had to call general manager to get ahold of someone to let us back in.

J finally showed up. We cut cable, we ran cable through pulleys and terminated it to clews*. Things were looking promising.

We completed the cable terminations. Still no sign of the electricians.

Now at dead standstill.

Called office. Told to come to shop.

Went to shop. Cleaned pipe with foul smelling chemicals.

Y offers me a ride downtown. While waiting at stoplight, we are rear-ended.

Now my neck and back are beginning to hurt, and I may have to go to a doctor.

On the plus side, my readership is up.

Friday Night Highlights

Went to City Mouse's 30th birthday bash over on the Hill. Had a lot of fun. A few highlights.

Sat in a corner and observed* City Mouse's boyfriend, who is like a cartoon character brought to life. He is effing hysterical, and I could listen to him tell tales for hours.

Hung out with Lucky Spinster.

Met the marketing director for Woolly Mammoth, who offered me comps.

Played pin the grey hair on the City Mouse game. I think I was the only one who managed to get hair on her head.

Chatted with T, who is VP for Haiku and Astrology over at Lucky Spinster.

It was a great shoe night, so bravo ladies.

The one sour note. The director I have been endeavoring to get an appointment with was there**, and I never got the chance to chat with them. I still haven't heard back from them, so I am beginning to doubt that is going to work out.

* I spend a great deal of time sitting in corners observing. Some people think I have a problem. Maybe they are right.

** If you think you have figured out who this is, please keep that conjecture to yourself. This blog is about me personally, not professionally. I would like to keep it that way.

Not Sure How To Take This

So, the director I had been trying to show my portfolio to responded to my email the next day, asking for my resume and any photos I might have electronically. I sent some stuff that was small enough to email that evening. That was a week ago, and I have not heard anything since then.

God I love waiting.

As a funny aside, about fifteen minutes after sending the email, I walked out of my office and who was across the street, but the very same director. They were with someone I knew, so I walked across to talk with my friend. I stopped short of saying, "I just sent you an email."

Perhaps I should have.

OK, So I Have Not Posted In A While

I had my post finished, really I did, but my dog ate it.

Actually, I have been too busy have wild monkey sex on the roof of my building.

Would you believe....?

Seriously, between 10 hour days on the job site, and having a friend staying with me while he is working on a show at Studio Theatre, I have had little time to do anything other than check my email and read some other blogs.

My random thoughts for the week so far:

The East Coast Alaska Girl leaves tommorrow to begin her exciting new life in Juneau. We are happy for her, but sad for us. We will miss her.

As of today, B is no longer a homeowner. Can I hear a WOO HOO!

I have a wonderfully social weekend planned. I am attending the birthday party of a friend on Friday night, then heading to Berkley Springs, WV for fireworks and frivolity. And most exciting of all, I will get to hang out with Dan and Randy, who I have not seen in over a month.

Have an a fun and safe 4th of July weekend all.

How To Help?

I tend to be rather protective of the people I care about, often rabidly so. I have two seperate friends going through considerable angst over moving. One has just sold her house, and between accepting a contract on it a month ago and now, her AC has gone on the fritz, and her refridgerator has died. Twice. All of this must be taken care of by closing on Thursday.

The other friend is moving across country to start a new job in a small town a very long way from anything.

I wish there was something I could do for them. Even if it was to make them believe it will all be OK. Because it will.

I hate feeling powerless like this.

Some Helpful Hints For Going Out In Public

Over the past several weeks, I have spent some time standing in various lines. The post office, the grocery store, the train station. And increasingly, I have been subjected to the grumblings of people around me, usually quite loudly.

In the post office a few weeks ago, there was a woman who wanted to buy stamps. The line at the window was quite long, and there were only two attendants working. Stamp Lady asked another employee if they could open a stamps only line. She was directed to the stamp machine, but the only stamp available in the amount she wanted to buy were the American Flag stamps. Stamp Lady didn’t want those stamps, she wanted something prettier. She then began loudly complaining that no one would open a stamps only line for her. She huffed and puffed up and down the line, alternating between harassing the employees, and declaiming loudly “This is our tax dollars at work, folks.”

The woman standing in front of me finally said to her “Actually, the Postal Service is not funded through taxes, it’s paid for entirely from postage fees and other services.” I wanted to kiss her right then and there.

This took the wind out of Stamp Lady’s sails, and she huffed out a few moments later.

Now I have those days. You know the ones. The ones where you think everyone you encounter is too stupid for words, and it seems there is some vast conspiracy to make you wait as long as is humanly possible so you will be late to absolutely everything. I have them frequently.

You know what I do about it? Nothing. I take a deep breath and try to relax, or I stew and think vindictive things about the metro system that has demanded that everyone who parks at a Metro facility buy one of those Smart Trip card thingys yet only has two machines per station that will let you add value to them and the guy in front of me invariably can’t understand the directions because apparently English is like his third effing language.

I don’t vent these thoughts out loud. I keep them to myself. If I am having a crappy day, there is no need for me to share that information with the world. Just because my life sucks, I don’t have the right to bring other people down with me.

So if you feel slighted because YOU have to wait in line with everyone else, and where you have to go and what you have to do is infinitely more important than the rest of us standing there:

Shut.

The.

F#&K.

UP.

No one cares. No. One.

Suck it up and deal with it like the rest of us.

And don’t be rude to the people who have to deal with obnoxious a**holes like you all day long. They don’t deserve it. These people have the crappiest jobs known to man. Dealing with the general public day in and day out would make me insane.

Weekend Highlights

Being drunk dialed Friday night by East Coast Alaska Girl and Lucky Spinster at the same time. Sounds like you ladies had fun, though I wonder if ECAG remembers the conversation.

Helping one of the Multi-State, Girlie-Advising Posse, B, move ino her new apartment.

Going to the movies with another of the MSGA Posse.

My Pillow Shams

Thanks to all of you who have offered advice/ assistance on the problem of obtaining an introduction to a certain director. I just sent off an email, so we will see how it goes.

As a digression, I am often discouraged by human beings' treatment of one another. But every once in a while, my faith in humanity is restored. People I only know through this blogging community have on more than one occasion offered advice, help and solace to someone (me) most of them have never met.

Thanx for helping me keep the faith.

I Have Now Officially Seen It All

I just sat in my office (Starbucks), and watched two people sit at a table and brew coffee in a coffemaker.

I am more than a bit confused.

Where I Want To Be

Despite the fact it is summer, and it is hotter than balls there now*, I really want to jump on a plane and see S in New Orleans. I have been getting up at 4:00 AM for work, and she works nights, so I have not really talked with her, other than to check in, in about two weeks.

I miss her something awful.

*If you have never been there in the summer, you have no idea what disgusting hot humid is. i was there in July several years ago, and saw a cat lying in the shade panting. Yes, the cat was panting. It was ten AM.

Cravings

I have wanted chocolate all day. And banana pudding.

What does this mean?

How Much Is Enough

I was reading an article in the paper yesterday about record companies adding protection software to CDs to control how many times they can be copied. The record companies are blaming piracy for lower revenues in recent years, but many feel that once they have purchased a CD, it is their's to do with as they wish. One guy was quoted as saying "I have paid for the music, so I should be able to do whatever I want with it.

I have a few thoughts. Of course I do, otherwise, why the hell would I be writing this.

First, when you purchase a CD, you have not purchased the rights to the music recorded on it. What you have purchased is the right to play it for the enjoyment of yourself and your friends. You cannot play that music in an enviroment where people have paid to gather. So yes, every movie you go see that plays music in the soundtrack has paid the owner of the music's rights for the use of that piece of music.

Ask yourself this. If the technology to copy CDs was not available commercially, and you wanted to give your girlfriend that CD you first made out to, what would you do? You would go out and buy another copy. So every time you copy a CD, you are depriving the owner of that music's rights the royalties they are legally entitled to. And I would argue they are entitled to it ethically. Why should they not be compensated for someone enjoying the fruits of their labor.

If you don't like the system, lobby to change the intellectual property laws. And good luck with that.

However, I would also argue that while piracy may be eating into record company profits, another reason for the decline in sales may be that we have finally figured out CDs cost too freakin much. Come on. When the technology was new, sure there were R&D costs to be recouped. But a CD costs somewhere around 2cents to produce, so why do they still cost between $16 and $18 retail?

Perhaps if we began paying recording artists more reasonable sums of money, and record company executives were compensated a little less, we might drive the cost of CDs below $10, where it should be. I mean, really, how much money is enough?

Another benefit of reducing artists' compensation would be the reduction in talentless people producing records as a way to get rich. Cheaper CDs and quality music in one fell swoop?

Where do I sign up?

If You Are Not Up To Self Indulgent Whining, Don't Read This

OK. I am really grouchy this evening, and I couldn't tell you why. Well. Maybe I can.

First, I am broke. Nothing makes me feel like more of a pathetic loser completely incapable of managing his own affairs than being in this state. It makes me feel like no matter how hard I work, the people who think (or who I project these thoughts onto) I am wasting my time and my life by trying to make a career in the arts* are right.

Of course I am really bad at managing my own money, so that whole completely incapable of managing my own affairs is basically true.

Another source of my angst is the constant search for work you have to undergo** as a freelance artist. Continually having to market ones self is exhausting. And as most of you know, I am not good with the "aren't I great" thing. I am conident as hell when I am working (some*** would say arrogant), but I am still having trouble with extending that to the search for work.

Finally, although I like the people I work for/with in the installation game, it is not what I want to be doing with my life. It is hard for me to get excited abput getting up at 4:00 AM, despite the size of the paycheck.

Yes, I know a whole lot of people are in the same, or worse, boat I am in. But this is my blog, not their's.

So thanks for listening. Sometimes you just need to bitch.

* It is also frustrating that the amount of work we in the arts do is not compensated as adequately as other professions working similar hours.

** Is undergo even a word?

*** Like East Coast Alaska Girl <;)

How Shamless Should I Be?

There is a director working here in DC whose work I have found impressive. They are someone with whom I would very much like to work. We have met once, but it was at a bar after an opening, and I was not exactly sober enough to start whoring for work.

I have asked two different people to provide me with an introduction, and both times it has not worked out. So do I just email this person cold?

Help me out here folks.

I Want To Cook

We had a rather slow day at the shop. We packed up work boxes to take to a jobsite on Monday, but otherwise were left with alot of free time. We spent a good deal of the morning talking with the owner of the company, known as Old White Bastard (his name for himself), and my two co-workers. The conversation turned to food and cooking, and we traded some recipies back and forth.*

This raised a jones to cook, especially with the weather being so nice here in DC at the moment, and I have an urge to be in the kitchen. There are two problems with this scenario.

1) I am broke at the moment, so cooking fancy food is out. I have been doing a lot of preparing, but not a lot of cooking.

2) Most of the things I cook are for more than one person, and the recipies don't halve well. It is difficult to make rissotto for one. I really enjoy cooking for other people, but don't get the opportunity to do so often.

And of course my AC does not work, so by the time I get paid, the weather will probably have gotten hot again. So even if I could find someone to cook for, it would be too uncomfortable in my apartment to do so.

So, if you want good food prepared for you in your airconditioned home, just let me know.

* It sometimes strikes me as odd to be working in construction and having conversations about fine dining.

What Are People Thinking

I am sitting in my office (Starbucks), and just observed an elderly couple bring in what I can only assume are their five grandchildren. The grandfather went to the counter with the kids while the grandmother stood at the doorway shouting over my head what to order, and changed her mind three times. The children, all somehwere between six and twelve, then proceeded to rearrange the furniture at the grandmother's direction, and then began to complain loudly that their order was incorrect. She then started screaming for her money back.

First, WTF are you bringing pre-adolescents into Starbucks for. The little monsters aren't hyper enough, you had to get them frappaccinos?

Secondly, don't ask a gaggle of children to order something and then expect the order to be right.

Third, SHUT THE F%#K UP!!!! If you get your panties in a bunch over coffee drinks, that's your affair.

Don't make it mine.

Fun Getting Hurt

Yesterday I had the most fun you can have burning the holy-mother-of-god-living-crap out of yourself.

It's called a plasma torch, and it cuts through steel like a hot knife through warm butter.

I cut a piece of flat steel into tiny little strips. I cut chamfers in the corners of angle iron.

I splashed molten metal onto my neck.

Wow, did that hurt.



The plasma torch is still effing cool.

Funny Song Lyric Of The Week

"My Give A Damn's busted."

The Wonders Of Caffeine

This week I started working again for a company that installs stage rigging and machinery. The money is better than working overhire*, and there is far more work in the summer. The downside is we keep construction hours, in the shop at 6:30 AM, which means getting up at 4:00 AM.

Now, through no concious choice, I spent Monday and Tuesday without consuming any caffeine. I guess I was too tired to remember to drink a glass of tea. This, on top of trying to readjust a body clock used to working until 2:00 AM, has had me dragging ass in the shop.

Today. one of my co-workers bought me a giant cup of iced tea. I have actually come home, taken a shower, walked to the Kennedy Center and back, and am currently in my office, aka Starbucks, and it's almost 7:00 PM.

This probably means something negative, but I am just happy to have some energy.

* Overhire: Doing on-call production work for a theatre, as opposed to having a staff position there.

MMM.... Heat

So yes, it's Africa hot out, and everyone is miserable, and bitching about the heat. Even the little old lady in my building who had not left the AC all day. I know this because, as I was coming home from my day gig for the summer where I had been welding all day in a shop without AC, and was on may way up to my apartment where the AC doesn't work, she felt the need to harp on the heat all the way through the lobby and continued in the ride on the elevator.

I have not been that close to homicide in a long time.

Posting may be a bit light this week. I am trying to adjust my body clock to getting up at 4:00 AM, so I am a wee bit tired. And the welding in a shop without AC doesn't help.

Being Shy

I had lunch today with one of my few male friends. I had not seen him in a couple of months, so we spent some time catching up. As we were comparing dating notes, I made mention of my shyness. His response sort of took me off gaurd.

"I've never seen you as shy. I think it's what you have convinced yourself, and have made it a self fulfilling prophecy."

I am left wondering about that. Am I as shy as I think I am? A number of people I have talked to about it have been somewhat surprised I consider myself so. Am I just using it as a front so I don't have to face up to what an arrogant prick I really am?

But if I'm not shy, why do I have such trouble dealing with the opposite sex?

Dashing Off

To spend the weekend with the family, so I probably won't be posting this weekend, despite desperately needing to. Stay tuned for my thoughts on Big Death & Little Death, Woolly's new space, the Lautrec exhibit at the National Gallery of Art, and proper museum etiquette.

Have a great weekend, all.

Why Do I Watch This Movie

I got home this evening from seeing Big Death, Little Death at Woolly Mammoth (That is a post for another time), and had some work I wanted to get done while it was still reasonably cool in my apartment. So I decided to put in a movie for background noise. For whatever reason, the movie I chose was Love Actually.

Now, as my regular reader's know, I love this film. I think it is one of the truest treatments on the nature of love ever seen in pop culture. So you may ask why is watching it a problem, if I feel this movie so much.

I feel deep down that I have lost my capacity to fall in love. There is no one I am going to dodge airport security for, or cross international lines to profess my love to. And no one is going to do it for me, either. And it makes me sad.

And yes, I understand that while we may applaud such behavior in movies, we generally frown upon it in our day to day life. "That's not real love, that's just a display of passion." we say.

But don't we all want that? Is there anyone who can honestly say they don't wish someone was so crazy about us that they would risk humiliation and possible jail time to tell us so?

Maybe that is the key. We want someone to take a risk to express their affection. But that risk can be hard to take, and we often spend too much of our time waiting for the other person to take the leap first.

I wish there was someone out there who I was willing to take that risk for. I wish I could feel that strongly about someone. And even more I wish there was someone for whom that was mutual.

The Net Finally Shows Up

Got an email today about work starting next week. I'm not going to starve to death. Woo Hoo!

Life of Crime?

For whatever reason, it hit me today that I am now no longer producing income, and I have no prospects for doing so. I have been suffering through a massive anxiety attack for most of the day. I at one point had to stop in the street and call S, just to hear a reassuring voice.

The next gig on my calander is not till August. Next season seems to be shaping up, but I am nervous about surviving until then.

The plan I had for making money this summer seems to have fallen through.

Maybe a life of crime wouldn't be so bad.

Bachelorette #1

I returned several hours ago from my very first date through an internet connection. I tried to go in with low expectations, and just enjoy the other person's company. We met for pool and a drink, although we ended up playing only one game. The music was up so loud it was difficult to talk without standing next to each other. So we turned in our balls and sat outside to chat.

She was full of questions about my work, and we ended up talking career for quite awhile. Unfortunately, there really wasn't any spark, and we ran out of conversation after about an hour and a half. We had a friendly parting, and I got home to a thank you email from her.

So some measure of success. I am at least out there again.

God help us.

I Think It's Strange

I have a date tonight, and I don't feel the least bit nervous. I keep expecting this wave of panic to come crashing down on me, but so far I am calm.

I suppose it is easy not to take it too seriously. This is someone I met in the internet, and so expectations are not high. I am not seeking a life mate here, just trying to meet some new people. Especially people not in the theatre.

But is that being disrespectful to this woman?

Your thoughts, gentle readers.

Yikes

The Dating Hell Diarist has linked to my blog. I guess I will have to start writing things that interest someone other than myself.

The Funniest Thing Seen All Day

I got back from Berkley Springs today to a package from Perseverance Theatre, mailed to me by the East Coast Alaska Girl. In it were the show disks from columbinus, a copy of the program, and a Juneau, Alaska garter belt.

Spit water through my nose on that one.

UGHH!

My contract with the Kennedy Center ended last Wednesday. I am now officially unemployed.

Woo Hoo.

What's Missing From Episode III

I went to see Revenge of the Sith again this evening. I still enjoyed the movie very much, but I realized there was something missing. Each character you will meet in Star Wars is in some way introduced in Episodes I-III, with the exception of Han Solo. Bobba Fett, who has about five minutes of screen time in Episodes V & VI, is all over the place. So what gives? I'm not talking about a long drawn out explanation, but some passing reference to Han would have tied the whole thing up completely.

I also spent parts of the movie wishing Hayden Christianson could act.

Summer Is Here

And it is hotter than balls out. The AC does not work in my apartment, and I am afraid i may have missed the deadline to get a pool pass for my building.

Let the sweating begin!

Am I The Only One

Who thinks it's high time the Arctic Actor, aka Karl Miller, posted something new on his blog. columbinus closed a week ago. Where the hell are ya?

Susan

I met Susan in high school. She and I were working together at a fast food restaurant. I had a crush on her the instant I saw her, and though she rebuffed my awkward attempt at asking her out, we soon became fast friends. We spent a lot of time together over the next year or so, cruising around in my Gremlin with the windows down and the Beatles blaring through cheap speakers.

Susan was a girl with a "reputation", and while I knew her she had a series of relationships with men who abused her emotionally, and in one case physicaly. I suppose that was part of the attraction for me. She brought out my "White Knight" complex like no one before or since.

In the summer after I graduated from high school, Susan and I became involved. I ended up staying in her parents house for a while (needless to say, my mother did not approve), and she was the girl I lost my virginity to. We had a great time for a while, but in the end she couldn't deal with being with someone who treated her well. She left, and it was awhile before we could be friends again.

Over time, we drifted apart. I had not seen her in six years or so, when my ex-wife and I moved back to MD from NC. I was working with someone who had gone to high school with her, and he told me she had been killed in a domestic dispute earlier that year.

That was ten years ago. I still think about her sometimes. I think about the rough and rather unhappy life she had led, and I am saddened. But what I think about most of all is how frightened she must have been at the end of her life. I wish that I could have been there to protect her, or at the very least not let her die alone. Even now, she brings out my white knight.

I am sorry, Susan, that I couldn't protect you when you really needed it. I miss you.

One Other Thought

I have a date Monday evening and have nothing to wear. Or even any idea what I should wear. Help!

Random Saturday Thoughts

For those people deeply entrenched in some political/religious/social idealogy: If your way is the only correct one, what do you have to fear from other ideas?

I don't know if it's because I have spent the last week surrounded by estrogen, but I really want to have sex.

I miss my best friend, S, who lives in New Orleans.

Does it say something about me that almost all of my friends are women?

Why is it that the only three places I seem to have any confidence are the theatre (ie at work), the kitchen, and in bed (and I don't mean alone)?

I am incredibly self concious about my writing these days, which is odd, because I am not a writer, and have never pretended to be. Maybe I just feel I should be able to communicate better.

I am glad the director of Steel Magnolias and I have become friends. Of course, she is a woman.

Going back to the friends being women part, I actually only have two close friends who are heterosexual men. Does this seem odd? My mother thinks so.

I wish I could figure out some way for my brother and I to be friends.

My niece is graduating from high school today. I cannot possibly be old enough to have a niece graduating from high school.

Should I start a politics only blog?

I feel much less lonely now than I did three months ago. I have been blogging about that amount of time. Some correlation?

There is a line from Steel Magnolias to fit every occasion.

We keep looking for easy solutions to the world's problems. There aren't any. Get over it. The solutions are difficult and require everyone to sacrifice a little for the greater good. Anyone who says otherwise is selling something.

Not wanting children is not a disease. I don't need to be talked into the idea of being a parent. I don't want to be one. Deal with it.

I want to make out more than I want sex.

I Have No Idea

What yesterday's post was all about.

No Patsy Cline Karaoke For Me

We previewed Steel Magnolias last night. After a less than stellar final dress, there was some concern how the show would go in front of an audience. And like they say in Shakespeare in Love, everything turned out well in the end. I don't know how, it's a mystery.

After the show, S, the director, J, the stage manager, C, the sound designer, and also J's fiance, A, who plays Mlynn, and R, A's husband, piled into cars to head to the Troubador. The Troubador is a bar outside of Berkley, which also houses a recording studio. It was here that Patsy Cline did her first recordings.

A quick digression by way of explaining. Berkley Springs is a spa town, and there is a signifigant tourist industry here during the summer. To kick the season off, the town has something called "Hey Girlfriend". There are pink flyers all over town advertising various events and specials. Our production is listed, as was an event at the Troubador called "Patsy Cline Karaoke". Intrigued, I mentioned it to the other production staff. Those of us from out of town decided quickly there was no way we were missing that.

So off we went, eagerly anticipating drunk locals belting out country torch songs. There was even some idea of joining in. And what did we find. When we pulled up, the parking lot was almost empty. As J, C and I approached the door, a large woman came to the screen door, peering at us as if we had green skin and tentacles.

"Are you open?" asked C.

"What do you want?" was the suspicious reply.

"We heard there was Karaoke, we thought we would have a few drinks."

"No. We're closed. Tommorrow night."

OK, then. As we were headed back to the car, the place cleared out. The last of the cars were filling as we drove away. It was strange.

C has told us that many places here only seem to welcome locals. I guess we looked too weird. It did have that feeling of having walked in on something illicit.

We are going back tonight for another try.

The Betrayal of The United States

I have been on a rampage lately about the Downing Street Memo, a document leaked to the London Times and printed there on May 1st.

I have never supported the war with Iraq. I believe we crossed a very dangerous line in March 2003. For the first time in US history, we carried out a war of agression against another country without any provocation. At that moment we became on equal moral footing with the Germans when they marched into Poland.

But what surprises me is that no one who supported this war seems outraged that they were lied to about our reasons for invasion. Hussein had no weapons of mass destruction. Intelligence reports indicated other nations as far more real threats where WMDs were concerned. No concrete link has been found between Iraq and the perpetrators of September 11, 2001.

The Bush Administration, for reasons that are still unclear, decided in the summer of 2002 that they would topple the government of Iraq, and then fixed intelligence reports to garner support for an invasion.

How can the conservatives in this country not be foaming at the mouth? The President they believed in and supported lied to them. To them. Not to the liberal side of the country, who were not going to support the war anyway. Does the Republican Party not realize they have been betrayed?

George Bush, as President of the United States, has a responsibility to represent this country and the values it holds dear. I would like to think those values include integrity and honor. By choosing to act on his own, with no regard for the truth, the President has betrayed the trust we as a people have placed in him. He is no longer acting in the best interests of the country.

He has also made the world less safe for US citizens, not more so.

It is time for the House and the Senate to bring this man to task. To send a clear message to him, and to all would be tyrants, that we will not accept leadership that does not reflect the basic values of truth and honor we hold dear.

Please join me in taking action. Contact your representatives in the House and Senate and demand they get to the bottom of this. Contact the press and demand they keep asking the question, "Mr. President, can you explain why you and your administration doctored intelligence reports to provide justification for the invaion of Iraq." To ask the question until they recieve an answer.

It is our government. Let's take it back.

Site Statistics

My comments below got me to thinking about my readership. I know that friends like Lucky Spinster, the East Coast Alaska Girl, and B, read this blog with some regularity. But I wonder if there is anyone out there reading this that I don't know personally?

About a month ago, I added Site Counter to the site, so I could see how many hits I was getting. I am technologically challenged, however, so I am not quite sure what the stats I am seeing mean.

Does anyone know how to keep your own hits from registering?

Anyhoozle*, if you are reading this, and you think I don't know it, or even if you think I do, please leave a comment and say hello. Or tell me my writing is crap and I should just stick to making pretty pictures on stage.

Thanks.

*Anyhoozle is a word I stole from Lucky Spinster. Thanks Sis.

The Next Phase Of The Experiment

As my regular readers* know, a little while ago I began an experiment in internet dating. I posted a profile on Onion Personals, and did a search for women between 32 and 42** living in the DC area. I have respoded to a few profiles I saw online, mostly ones that had made me laugh. I have even recieved from messages from women responding to my profile. I have a somewhat regular email contact with a couple of these women, and two have even moved to private email.

So, on the prodding of Lucky Spinster, I actually screwed my courage to the sticking place, and asked one of these women out. We have a date for drinks and pool early next week.

Stay tuned.

*I get the feeling it is a small readership. But I am grateful for you all.
**In response to some criticism by the Multi-State, Girlie-Advising Posse, I decided to confine my search to women within five years of my age.

Bush Must Resign!

Sorry for the politics, folks. But the Bush Administration's refusal to address the Downing Street Memo has me at a boil.

We have invaded Iraq on false pretenses. The Downing Street Memo seems to prove this. And the most morally reprehensible thing of all? The Bush Administration had absolutely no plan for what would happen after the fall of Saddam Hussein.

It is time for Bush to go. Him and his entire administration. I want to see the resignation of Bush, Cheney, and every member of the cabinet. It is time to dismantle the Department of Homeland Security. It is time to repeal the Patriot Act.

It is time to become the America we could be. An America where all people have an equal voice. An America that recognizes it's foriegn policy debacles, and seeks to correct them. An America that recognizes ours is not the only valid viewpoint in the world. An America that is more concerned with alleviating the suffering people experience in the privacy of their own homes, rather than trying to regulate the joy they find there.

It is time to remove the hypocrasy from American politics.

It is time for us all to act. The government is by the people, and for the people. And it is time to hold every elected official accountable. Somehow they have come to believe they are immune to that accounting. But they are wrong.

I sent this email to the President this evening.

Mr. President,

Your refusal to address the information contained in the Downing Street Memo leaves me with no other conclusion than you have in fact deliberately misled the citizens of the United States about the possible threat posed by Saddam Hussein's government, so that you could engage in a war for your own purposes.

Over fifteen hundred US servicemen have lost their lives in Iraq, as have an estimated 100,000 of Iraqui civilians.

Mr. President, I hearby demand your resignation, as well as the resignations of your entire administration, including the Vice President.