Into Every Life A Little Rain Must Fall

Right now, it is fucking pouring.

This is going to ramble a bit, and large portions of it will probably appear terribly self involved. My apologies.

But isn't blogging self involved anyway?

Life has not been going so well for the ol LD lately. I had four weeks of work drop out from under me last month, and except for two days working overhire last week, I have been six weeks without income. This is a trend that looks likely to continue into the middle of July. I had been (perhaps foolishly) counting on having the rigging work to keep me afloat, but for various reasons that has not come to pass.

Add to that the fact that I did half the number of shows from January to May that I did from August to December this season, and I am in a huge cash flow pinch.

Both of my parents and a friend have been kind enough to float me loans to get me through this rough patch. I am more grateful than I have the ability to express.

On other fronts, my brother has been having health issues. A colonoscopy a few weeks ago revealed a five cm* lump, and last week he had 30 percent of his colon removed. We are still waiting on the pathology report for the lump they removed, but obviously the concern is he may have colon cancer.

In the midst of this, my brother's physician has strongly recommended that I have a colonoscopy done as well. My brother is only three years older than I am and they say he is young to have such a sizable lump. There is a history of colon problems in my family, so I should definatly have the procedure done.

Have I mentioned I don't have health insurance right now?

And now we get to the excessivly self-absorbed portion of the program.

This whole thing, the no work, no health insurance, having to borrow money from my parents, makes me feel pretty much like a failure at this game we call life. Why can't I get it together? I am 38 years old for god's sake, why do I have such difficulty managing my own affairs? Do I just bite the bullet, get a "real job", and put this thing to rest?

I don't know what I would do. I don't actually know how to do anything else.

My brother and I have not been close for a very long time. With inspiration and encouragment from City Mouse, I started to try and do something about that at the beginning of the year when my brother and I flew down to attend my uncle's funeral. We had a long talk about our past and how we became so estranged. We both pledged to try and be better.

The current situation has pointed up how little progress has been made on that front. I feel badly about what my brother is having to face, but find myself at a complete loss as to what to say. I am never good in those situations anyway, and it is made much worse by the fact that we have had so little contact in the past fifteen years.

As I sat at the hospital with my sister in law, I came to realize how closed off I actually am. I don't like people. I like individuals, but humanity as a whole annoys the living crap out of me. As a friend of mine likes to say about me, I do not suffer fools gladly. Yet I feel lonely much of the time. I don't know how to build that bridge out to other people. Being really shy does not help.

Then there is my need to have a colonoscopy done. Yes I will get insurance and have the procedure done. I am not willing to stick my head in the sand. But what really bothers me is that I am not ready. I am not ready to start looking over my shoulder. I am 38, but most days I don't feel a day over thirty.

I am not ready to begin anticipating the hand of death.

Finally, I developed strong feelings for someone. Those feelings were not reciprocated. It sucks, but since there has been nothing but honesty between us, there is no one to blame. I am just profoundly disappointed.

But it gets me thinking about the larger issues. I am 38. I am not getting any better looking. I am certainly not getting any richer A year ago I was finally coming to grips with the notion I might be living the rest of my life alone, and I was begining to accept it.

Now I am facing that notion again, and it frightens me. Will I really never find someone who will love me the way that I want? Someone who is as excited by me as I am by them? The answer is quite possibly yes.

I refuse to settle and I refuse to be settled for. A combination that could lead to a life alone.

And when you find yourself afraid of death, that you might face it alone is fucking terrifying.

* That is just shy of two inches, BTW.