On The Holidays, And Getting Older

Not much posting lately. I have been in tech* for Alice at the Kennedy Center this week. I have also been taking advantage of working in my home town and attempting to have a life outside of work. It has been nice, but has left little time for the old blog.

For the second time this week, it has snowed in Washington. When I still drove, the appearance of snow used to really annoy me. It meant delays and all sorts of tomfoolery on the road. Now that I walk everywhere, I love the snow. There is something delightfully romantic about traipsing about the city while the little white flakes swirl around you. I was positivly giddy on monday, stopping several times to catch snowflakes on my tongue, and fighting hard the urge to lay down in the sidewalk and make a snow angel.

I have started my Christmas shopping, an activity I had all but ended for several years due to financial concerns. It is nice to actually have a little coin in hand to be able to get presents for some of the important people in my life.

I will be spending Christmas in Juneau, Alaska. I am glad that I have close friends there (like East Coast Alaska Girl) to spend time with. The notion of spending Christmas in a hotel room is too crappy for words. I will be home for New Years, which for various reasons I am really excited about.

In a little less than a month, I will turn 38. That's awfully close to 40. I am not one of those people who believes you must have achieved some laundry list by each age marker, but I am more and more aware of the things in my life that are not as permanent as they once seemed. Two years ago my mother went through a bout with breast cancer, and it was the first time I had really come face to face with the very real possibility I will have to deal with the loss of my parents. I was not ready for that then, and I don't think I am any more ready for it now.

One of the other things my impending birthday has had me contemplating has been my relationship with my brother, and somewhat more importantly, his kids. Outside of our parents, my brother and I really share very little in common. We don't have the same interests or even the same values. When we get together, there is nothing for us to talk about except the past. As a consequence, I have avoided most contact with my brother and his family, and have been all but absent from the lives of my niece and nephew as they have been growing up.

I have started to realize how selfish that has been. A child often does not understand the rifts that occur between adults. I am afraid that they think I don't love them, which is certainly not the case, and so am trying to slowly become a part of their lives. But maybe that is just selfish too.

Really what this is probably about is rather uncomfortable feelings regarding my own mortality. Almost 40, and I am statistically more than halfway through my life. I would rather not die with regrets.