Job Search: Part One

I am looking for a day job. In thinking about how to go about this search I thought it would be helpful to try and prioritize what I would like the ideal job to have. I have categorized this list into three categories.

Must Haves. Things that a job has to have going for it because it's part and parcel of why I am looking for a one to begin with.

Would Love To Have. Things that would make a job attractive, such that I would be willing to make slightly less in order to get them.

Unicorns That Fart Glitter. Things I would love an employer/ situation to offer but I am certainly not expecting to find.

Must Have:
Based in DC and Metro accessible. I have really cheap rent and don't want to move, and I don't have a driver's license.
Financial Solvency. This may seem like an odd thing to point out, but I don't want to go to work somewhere that is going to shut the doors in three months and force me to start this painful process all over again.
A regular, predictable schedule that has some flexibility. Some evenings and weekends are fine as long as I can do things like take full semester classes.
Above minimum wage.

Would Love To Have:
Somewhere between Part Time and Full Time. 32 - 35 hours a week would be ideal. Is there such a thing as 3/4 time?
Health Insurance. I would like to stop paying out of pocket.
Something in some way related to the arts, but not something I am thinking/ stressing about after the end of the work day.
Not having to be on my feet the whole work day. I don't necessarily want to sit behind a desk all day, but some time sitting down would be nice.
Paid Vacation/ Holidays.
Double the current minimum wage.

Unicorns That Fart Glitter:
Dental and optical insurance.
50k+ per year.
Never having to deal with the general public. Ever.
An actual unicorn that farts glitter.

If anyone knows of anything, please feel free to pass it along.

Peace in yer crease.