Blog On Demand

A number of people have pointed out to me that I have not been posting much here on the ol blog. There are a couple of reasons for this, but mostly I feel like I have been using this blog to keep people up to date on my life, instead of actually sitting down and talking to them/ calling them. Seems a little anti-social.

There has been a lot going through my mind of late, issues of career and the future and personal life and such. I have been feeling a little stressed about work and the lack thereof after the middle of March. Also on my mind is what the next step is in terms of working out of town (which actually pays enough to live on) vs. working here in town (which doesn't).

Twelve shows have opened so far this season with my name attatched to them in some way, and I am feeling a little fried.

On to the positive.

A fellow blogger has asked me to do event lighting for her wedding reception this Fall. I just think that's really cool.

Through a strange bit of randomness, I got to see a friend this evening that for various reasons I have not seen in a few weeks. Also really cool.

My brain is mush. I am going to bed. There is a plot for Hair to be finished by end of day tomorrow.

Peace.

Meme* Madness

Doing the meme from yesterday, I was reminded of one that East Coast Alaska Girl tagged me with about a bazillion years ago. So here goes.

1. What are the 3 stupidest things you've ever done in your life?
I try not to regret the things I have done in my life. Who I am now is based on where I have been, and I am pretty happy with the person I am (not to say there is not room for improvement). But here goes.

1) Getting married without having figured out who I was first. You can't build a life with someone else until you have built a life for yourself.

2) Letting that marriage go so long without being honest with her about how I felt.

3) Putting aside my dreams for someone else, when I knew in my heart it would not make the slightest difference to the other person.

2. At the current moment, who has the most influence in your life?
The Multi-State, Girlie-Advising Posse. You can't have too much tough love in your life.

3. If you were given a time machine that functioned, and you were allowed to only pick up five people to dine with, who would you pick?
1) Myself twenty years ago.
2) Myself twenty years from now.
3) Socrates
4) Thomas Jefferson
5) Leonardo Da Vinci

4. If you had three wishes that were not supernatural, what would they be?
That I was not in debt, that my friends were free to pursue their callings without financial concern, that I had the means to see some of my friends a little more often.

5. Someone is visiting your hometown/place where you live at the moment. Name two things you regret your city not having, and two things people should avoid.

Things I wish DC had:
24 Hour Metro.
More places to eat at 3:30 in the morning.

Things to avoid.
Thomas Circle (at least until they are finished with construction)
The area around the Capitol when we are on "Mauve Alert" or whatever the color coding is now.

I tag, City Mouse, Bea Yourself, S.

* Forgive my ignorance, how is this word pronounced?

City Mouse tagged me with this meme

SEVEN SONGS:List seven songs you are into right now; no matter the genre, whether they have words, or even if they're any good. They must be songs you're really enjoying this week. When you're done, tag seven people to see what they're listening to.

1. Sweet Child O' Mine; Guns and Roses. When I am in a crappy mood (which because of work silliness has been most of this week) this song goes to 11 on the iPod.
2. American Woman; The Guess Who. Same reason. Sometimes you just really need loud rock and roll.
3. Origin Of Love; Hedwig and The Angry Inch soundtrack. I love how this song sets up the psychological action of the whole show. Plus, it's a beautiful story.
4. Shake Your Groove Thing; Peaches and Herb. What can I say, I am old enough to remember 70's radio. And I can't hear it without seeing in my mind's eye Bill Irwin in The Clown Bagatelles.
5. The Big Reel of Ballynacally/The High Hill/Flash Away The Pressing Gang: Solas. My favorite Irish trad band. Great walking music and really lifts the spirits.
6. It's Only Rock and Roll; The Rolling Stones.
7. Blinded by the Light; Manfred Mann's Earth Band. Yeah, really have no excuse for this one. Just fond memories.

I tag the MSGAP (Multi-State, Girlie-Advising Posse), at least those of you with blogs. This would include S, Bea Yourself, Lucky Spinster, East Coast Alaska Girl, Biker Chick. I don't have two more, I am afraid.

Rats: Part II

I was on the phone with a colleague this afternoon, and happened to look out my apartment window down on the rat trap below. And there was some poor guy, cleaning it out.

After I got over my convulsions, I was left with one thought.

Thank god I have job skills.

Rats

The window in my apartment looks out onto the backs of two other apartment buildings. At night, I look down on a light fixture that shines over two doorways. The doorways are flanked by two concrete posts, and the light from the fixture just manages to paint the edges of them. The fixture itself casts a lovely pattern on the ground. All in all, a lovely composition.

At least it would be, but the focal point of this composition is the largest rat trap I have ever seen. I don't mean the kind with a spring and a piece of cheese, but the ones where they go in and get stuck and then starve to death. It is huge. Seriously, you could lose a poodle in there.

I have a severe rodent phobia* (I have been known to cross the street to avoid them), and I don't really want to have to contemplate how large the rats are that this trap is meant to ensnare, and how close they are living to me.

*There is a funny bit of irony there, but I don't think I will share it.

Back Into The Cave

I have decided to head back into the cave.

It is safer there.

Self Editing

On the phone with S the other night, she pointed out to me that of late I have not been very open here on the ol blog. I suppose this is true, and probably why I have stopped posting on a regular basis. I won't go into why I feel the need to self edit, but it does leave me wondering if I shouldn't just discontinue writing here.

Your thoughts, gentle readers?

Munich

Saw the film this evening. I have to start off by saying I think it is a very well crafted bit of storytelling. Probably the best piece Spielberg has ever done.

Now, having said that, I have to say I had huge thematic issues with the movie. Despite his protestations otherwise, Spielberg has sent out a message that says violence will only beget violence, leading us down an endless path of retribution. I don't have a problem with this idea, in fact I believe it with all my heart. What bothers me is that in the end, the mouthpiece for this notion is a man who murdered eight people, and is seemingly only concerned with their actual guilt after he feels his family is threatened. And lest we forget, his family is in danger because of his actions. He made a concious choice to murder (whether you call them assassinations or murder, the people in question are still dead) these people, yet Spielberg expects us to have some level of sympathy for him. Sorry, Steven, the character is a scumbag, plain and simple. Murdering for the state is no different than murdering for the mob, or for the guy's rolex, the end result is still the death of another human being. Having a moral issue with it after you have committed the deed is not evidence of a strong character.

If we are trying to make some statement about trying to stop an endless stream of violence, then please have it come from someone not steeped in the blood of others.

Mr Crankypants

There is a lot swirling around in my head at the moment. Some of the randomness.

I have had American Woman on continuous loop on my iPod for two days now.

I have been in a pissy mood for about the same amount of time.

By invading Iraq with no real cause, George Bush has left the US without a viable military option where Iran's nuclear ambitions are concerned. In an election year, there is no way Congress is going to authorize another military action.

Being on the road so much, I forgot about the concept of free time. I am having toruble adjusting to having it.

I am becoming increasingly bitter about my inability to make a living in this town.

I know I have no right to bitch about the above. But I'm going to do it anyway. It's my blog and if you don't like what I have to say, fuck off and read someone else's.

I am perhaps a little cranky this morning.

No one should read anything into the mental diahrea (sp?) above. Just need to write so I can get out of my own head for a bit.

Peace

No, I Have Not Died

I have been in tech for Lift at Theatre of the First Amendment since I got back from Orlando. The time with the family last week has generated a lot of thought, but I have not really had time to process it, let alone write about it. More on that later.

Big things have shifted for me on an emotional and psychological level. Some of it is related to the time in Florida (I was there for my Uncle's funeral), some related to my birthday (I am 38 now, for some reason a scary number to me), and some is for reasons I will keep to myself. I will say that I was re-reading a post I wrote over the summer, and it has come back to haunt me in a big way.

So. Happy New Year to all. If I can ever get my brain to slow down long enough for me to write what's in it, there will be more.

I know you are all quivering in .......



anticipation.

Peace in yer crease.

Home Again

I got back form Orlando this morning.

There is a lot more in my head at the moment, but I am trying to decide how to say it, and whether it should be said at all.

It is good to be home.

Alaska Time, Or Insomnia?

Either way, it sucks. I have been up for three hours now, and am rapidly approaching the time when I actually have to get out and run some errands. I have to fly to Orlando this afternoon, and have a few things that must be dealt with before I go.

I have in the past day and a half, imported about 2/3 of my CDs into i-Tunes, and thus onto my iPod. I now have two days worth of music. I will be with my family in Florida for three days, so at least I have options for dealing with the insanity. For two days at least.

I love my iPod. It is my constant companion*.

I have no idea whether I will be able to post on the ol blog while I am away down South. I am staying at my Uncle's house (I think), and don't know if there is a shot at an internet connection down there. I also don't know if there will be the opportunity.

I saw King Kong Friday night. It dragged a little in the middle, and I could have lived without the bug scene (I have a bit of a phobia there), but like my blog sis, Lucky Spinster, I cried through the last twenty minutes of the movie. I am usually one of those geeks who sits all the way through the credits anyway, but this time I was forced to so I could avoid having anyone looking at me and being able to tell I was crying. I am a big sap**, what can I say.

As I am going to spend three days with the fam, I decided to go see The Family Stone this afternoon. I figured a comedy about family was just the thing to help lighten the mood for the next three days.

Boy has that movie been mis-marketed. It is billed as a comedy, and there are certainly funny moments, but it deals with some rather serious issues. Issues that at the moment hit a little too close to home for me. I have not read the review in the Post, but was told it was not favorable. I think it is worth a look, although maybe as a rental.***

*That and my fuzzy alligator.

**Actually, I am a girl. At least that is what my close friends keep telling me.

***Do people even rent movies anymore? I think I am the only person on the planet not signed up for Net Flicks.

Mea Culpa

So I just read this post.

Wow. How delightfully passive-agressive of me.

I owe someone a very big apology.

BTW

Happy New Year, everybody.

A cheesy toast, but a nice sentiment:

May the best of your yesterday be the worst of your tomorrow.

Peace

Meaning? Or, Sometimes A Light Up Santa With A Trash Can Is Just A...

While driving around L.A. with D last month, we spotted a light up Santa Claus with what appeared to be a light up trash can behind it. My first response was "Perhaps it symbolizes the crass commercialsm behind the holiday season."

Or perhaps it was just a light up Santa with a light up trash can.

I tend to read meaning into a lot of things, both the arrangement of objects, and people's behavior. Being the meglomaniacal person that I am, I often assume people's behaviour is in some way about me.

An example:

As my regular readers know, I have a thing about the return of phone calls. This started as a professional thing. When a phone call is returned can often give you a clue as to where you fall in a colleague's radar. Now that has bled over into my personal life, so that if someone has not called me back, it indicates things to me that it probably shouldn't. I know that people are busy and it's not always about me, but it still bothers me.

I suppose this "trait"* of mine helps explain why I have such a hard time taking the things I am told at face value. Not the negative stuff, or the strictly benign stuff (when someone says "It's four PM." I usually believe them), but I often worry that, in an attempt to not hurt my feelings, people tell me what they think I want to hear.**

This is why I love the Muti-State, Girlie-Advising Posse so much. They tell me when I am being an idiot, much like Feste's foes in Twelfth Night. I would rather be told I am an ass.

There is a point in here somewhere. If you find it, could you tell it I am looking for it?

*You say neurosis, I say trait.

** Further evidence of my meglomania

Home Again

There was no plane crash. I made it back home safely. I even managed to be in bed by 2:00 AM. I proceeded to sleep for twelve hours. So much for the productive day I had planned.

I got home to a package from S, which contained Christmas presents. So I put on The Muppets Christmas CD and opened the following:

1. A feather boa. Not sure what is being said there.
2. A new scarf to replace the one I lost in Juneau back in October. This makes two scarves I have been given in the past week.
3. A T-shirt that says "Make Levees, Not War."
4. A Carmen (you know, the opera by Bizet) finger puppet theatre, wrapped in Devil Ducky paper.

Thanks, dear. Now I feel like I have had a Christmas*.

*Yes, I know I am an atheist, but I love the season, and the idea that surrounds Christmas. Peace on Earth goodwill to all. Who can't stand behind that?

Number Eleven

"But I could swear by your expression that the pain down in your soul,
was the same, as the one down in mine."

Hedwig and The Angry Inch

If You Here Of A Jet Crash On Thursday, It's Probably Me*

On Monday, a baggage worker smacked into an Alaska Airlines jet with one of those conveyor belt thingys at Seattle Tacoma International Airport. He told no one of this, and later, at 26,000 feet (that's almost five miles above the surfave of the earth) a one foot hole opened in the fuselage of the plane, causing the loss of cabin pressure and an emergency landing.

I saw a brief mention of this on CNN, and when I Googled it, found a disturbing amount of incidents involving Alaska Airlines, including a plane crash into the Pacific Ocean that killed 88 people in February of 2000.

Can we guess which airline I am flying on Thursday?

This Fall has been a string of increasingly distressing incidents while flying, and I am beginning to wonder if someone is trying to send me a message. A message like "Stop flying, you fucking idiot."

And because I belive if there is a god, he has a sick sense of humour, and because timing is everything in life, it would be make sense I would die in a plane crash on my way home this time.

I am actually terrified of getting on that plane tomorrow.

* I wonder how many bells are sounding at the NSA** right now as this post is published***.

** NSA: National Security Agency. You know, the folks that have been monitoring our phone calls and emails since 9-11.

*** If you are at the NSA reading this, my wondering about plane crashes is not an indication of nefarious ... (waiting while you get a dictionary)... intent, just an indication of my increasing fatalism.

Happy Holidays

I was going to write this post filled with self-pity about how much it sucks spending most of Christmas alone in a hotel room thousands of miles away from friends and family, but then I read this. Seems the desire to do something nice for someone else, without reciprocation, does still exist in the world.

I hope all of you have a safe and joyous holiday season.

Are We The Least Bit Surprised By This?

Frodo You scored 40% Sturdyness, 60% Influence, 16% Supernatural, and 11% Evil!

You are Frodo Baggins, the Ring Bearer and chosen one. You are courageous and passionate about the heavy burden that has been laid upon you, but even though you get into trouble a lot, you have good friends (like Sam) to help you through. Not counting your size and strength, and the devouring power of the Ring, your abilities will get you far!

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 52% on Sturdyness You scored higher than 62% on Influence You scored higher than 7% on Supernatural You scored higher than 32% on Evil

Link: The LOTR Character Test written by NoxTyger on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Funny Photos: An Experiment

Yes, this is in fact East Coast Alaska Girl

With a basket on her head.

I have no idea why the picture has been reproduced so many times. But I have figured out how to post pictures here on the ol blog.

You have been warned.

On Why Juneau Is The Weirdest Place On Earth

Our run of Hedwig (which we are mounting in a bar out by the airport) is only two weeks long because the following weekend the bar is presenting midget wrestling, billed as Half Pint Brawlers.

The Western Union is in the local head shop/ sex toy shop.

I couldn't make this shit up.

Beauty And Oddness

I am in Juneau, Alaska, remounting the production of Hedwig and The Angry Inch that I designed here last season. I had forgotten how much I love this show. It is hard, and bitter, and lonely, and beautiful, and, ultimately, re-affirming. I know so many people (myself included) who have lived through the same experience, searching for identity in an increasingly confusing world, seeking love and acceptance, both from others and ourselves. Hedwig is a freak, an outward representation of the freak I suspect we all feel on the inside. Her search for herself, and the other half she lost is painful to watch, but in the end provides the hope we will all find what we are looking for.

Last season I worked on two shows here that dealt with being outsiders, and the consequences of that status. One of those shows was Hedwig, the other was columbinus. I am struck by the different paths feeling on the outside leads. In one case, it leads to creative acts, in the other (and based on history) it leads to death and destruction. I suppose the difference is that despite her marginilization, Hedwig still believes in love. I wonder at what point Harris and Klebold stopped hoping for it. As I have searched for answers to the question of why they acted the way the did, that they despaired at ever loving or being loved is the only reason I can come up with. It is the only reason I can accept.

On to other things.

I had also forgotten how much I love this production of this show. I sat through a run through this afternoon, and was crying at the end. In a good way. The cast is amazing, and I believe it's some of the best work I have ever done. I will be sorry to leave this one behind.

The week has been one of a lot of emotional upheavel (sp?). I had the rather unpleasant experience of facing my mortality very up close and personal. I realized I am not ready to go gently. Still too much to do.

Other upheavals have been profound changes in the lives of some people very close to me. Of probably greatest note, S, one of the founders of the MSGAP, is getting married.

Yeah.

Peace in yer crease.

"And, We're Back In The Car Again"

For those of you wondering, I made it to Juneau safely, though I had my doubts going in and out of Seattle.

Although I hate take-off and landing, I have never seriously been fearful for my life in an airplane. That is until yesterday. The wind was so strong around Seattle that right as our plane was touching down we were blown to the side and bounced several times on the runway. The pilot was able to maintain control and we eventually stopped sliding back and forth across the tarmac, but in those moments I had to face whether or not I felt ready to die.

The answer came back a resounding no.

On to happier thoughts.

Saturday I went with City Mouse to see the panda cub at the National Zoo. Though he spent the duration of our ten minute visit with him sleeping in a bowl, he is still pretty darned adorable. And I found myself wishing I could spend some time curled up in a bowl napping.

There are other thoughts, but I am out of time.

Peace in yer crease, ya'll.

Ups And Downs

At a certain point this evening, I turned to D, the designer I am assisiting here in LA, and said, "could you be on headset for awhile?" This marked the end of my giving a rat's crap about the show this evening. I lasted almost the whole day, but about twenty minutes from the end of rehearsal, I just couldn't take it any more.

At two seperate times, D restrained me from getting back on headset.

The show has not been going well. The stage manager* has not been able to call the show correctly** yet, some of the lights for the show have yet to turn on, and we have an audience at 10:30 AM tommorrow (actually today as I type this).

I am on my tenth show of the season and I have been in tech since the 7th of October. I am weary as I have seldom been before. I am ready to be home for awhile; to see friends and family, and maybe enjoy an evening in my own apartment.

But that is the negative stuff. I am happier than I have ever been in my life. I feel incredibly blessed. I work at the thing I love, and people pay me to do it. Tonight I watched 60 children dance in ant costumes with drums on their butts. It is too cute for words.

I also saw Tim Robbins in the hotel bar this evening.

The best part of my evening, I will keep to myself.

And special thanks to those who have called in the past few days. I really appreciate hearing from you.

Peace in yer crease.


*The person who is supposed to run rehearsals and help the artistic staff realize their vision for the show.

** ensuring that all the changes, whether they be lighting, sound scenery, or something else, happen when they are supposed to happen.

To The MSGAP

So far, the ride has been smoother than I feared.

Thanx. I love you guys.

Funniest Conversation So Far in California

I was having dinner with BR, one of the Multi-State, Girlie-Advising Posse, and her husband. They were asking me questions about the shows I was working on, and I was going on about the dancing elephant at Children's Theatre Company.

LD: " Sometimes there is nothing happier than a dancing elephant."

BR: "Or maybe you just need to have sex."

Yeah. I got nothing.

I Couldn't Make This Up

The room I am staying in at the Culver Hotel is the Clark Gable Room.

There is a 24x36 framed photo of Clark staring down at the bed. It's a little disturbing.

How Cool Is That

Culver City, CA, has free, city-wide wi-fi.

When will DC do this?

On The Holidays, And Getting Older

Not much posting lately. I have been in tech* for Alice at the Kennedy Center this week. I have also been taking advantage of working in my home town and attempting to have a life outside of work. It has been nice, but has left little time for the old blog.

For the second time this week, it has snowed in Washington. When I still drove, the appearance of snow used to really annoy me. It meant delays and all sorts of tomfoolery on the road. Now that I walk everywhere, I love the snow. There is something delightfully romantic about traipsing about the city while the little white flakes swirl around you. I was positivly giddy on monday, stopping several times to catch snowflakes on my tongue, and fighting hard the urge to lay down in the sidewalk and make a snow angel.

I have started my Christmas shopping, an activity I had all but ended for several years due to financial concerns. It is nice to actually have a little coin in hand to be able to get presents for some of the important people in my life.

I will be spending Christmas in Juneau, Alaska. I am glad that I have close friends there (like East Coast Alaska Girl) to spend time with. The notion of spending Christmas in a hotel room is too crappy for words. I will be home for New Years, which for various reasons I am really excited about.

In a little less than a month, I will turn 38. That's awfully close to 40. I am not one of those people who believes you must have achieved some laundry list by each age marker, but I am more and more aware of the things in my life that are not as permanent as they once seemed. Two years ago my mother went through a bout with breast cancer, and it was the first time I had really come face to face with the very real possibility I will have to deal with the loss of my parents. I was not ready for that then, and I don't think I am any more ready for it now.

One of the other things my impending birthday has had me contemplating has been my relationship with my brother, and somewhat more importantly, his kids. Outside of our parents, my brother and I really share very little in common. We don't have the same interests or even the same values. When we get together, there is nothing for us to talk about except the past. As a consequence, I have avoided most contact with my brother and his family, and have been all but absent from the lives of my niece and nephew as they have been growing up.

I have started to realize how selfish that has been. A child often does not understand the rifts that occur between adults. I am afraid that they think I don't love them, which is certainly not the case, and so am trying to slowly become a part of their lives. But maybe that is just selfish too.

Really what this is probably about is rather uncomfortable feelings regarding my own mortality. Almost 40, and I am statistically more than halfway through my life. I would rather not die with regrets.

A Special Message To The MSGAP

Hang on tight. It could be a bumpy ride.

I Can't Write About...

...what is really on my mind at the moment. Somewhat frustrating, but there you have it.

It relates to the solving of my conundrum, and a timing issue.

I am not sure whether I am being sensible and level headed, or just avoiding the issue. Problem is, by avoiding the issue, it may go away in a way I don't want.

How's that for effing cryptic?

Random Wednesday Musings

Too much rattling around in my head at the moment to even attempt a coherent entry*, so just a bunch of pot shots.

I am seeing a light at the end of the tunnel with this show. I can't wait to get home.

A message for politicians of all stripes: Creating jobs is not the same as providing economic opportunity.

S the originator of the Multi-State, Girlie Advising Posse, sent me a link to her blog. I will wait for her permission to link to it, but I am, as always, impressed with her insights into herself and those around her. And since I know she is reading, Christmas won't be the same without you, either.

I go to LA in two weeks. BR, one of the MSGAP lives there, so hopefully we will be able to catch up.

The return of my crypticness** has been noted by some. Hopefully soon that will cease, though there still may be no explanation given here.

How is it that in the almost two thousand years since the writings about Jesus, we still have not grasped the fundamental message. I don't belive in the divinity of Jesus, but I do believe in his ideas. We are responsible for the well being of those we share the world with. Living according to the letter of the law is not the same as leading a moral life. Peace and forgiveness. Self sacrifice for the greater good.

Up until the end of the day yesterday, I was a pretty big ball of negative energy for about four days. My thanks to those who bore the brunt of that, and my apologies.

Have I mentioned how much I love my iPod. It's like crack. I just can't stop.

For all my bitching the past couple of days, I am as happy as I have ever been. I know am the luckiest guy alive.

*I know, I know. Most of you are still awaiting the emergence of this coherentness.***

** Is that even a word?

*** Or that?

In Other News

:)

And Still More Movie Quotes

Marcus: “I’ve been meaning to ask you. What’s the difference between a girl who’s just your friend, and a girlfriend?”

Will: “Well, I don’t know. Do you want to touch her?”

Marcus: “Is that so important?”

Will: “You’ve heard of sex, right? It’s sort of a big deal in a relationship.”

Marcus: “I know. I just can’t believe there isn’t more to it than that. I mean, I want to be with her. I want to be with her all the time. And I want to tell her things I don’t even tell you or Mom. I don’t want her to have another boyfriend. I suppose if I could have all that, I wouldn’t care if I touched her.”

About A Boy

Three Wishes?

Last week, I was in Minneapolis working on a production of Disney's Aladdin. We all know the story, Aladdin finds a lamp, out pops a genie who grants Al three wishes.

It started me thinking, if I could wish for three things, and have them be true, what would I wish for?

1. That I could sing as well as Bing Crosby.

2. That I could dance as well as Fred Astaire.

3. That empathy was an inate human quality.

What would you wish for?

I Am An Asshole

My conundrum has led me to do to someone else something I hate having done to me. In the time I have been figuring out what to do, I have left someone to wonder.

If you are still reading, I am very sorry.

For Those Who Are Wondering

I made it to California safely.

Another Mastercard Moment

30 GB iPod: $300.00

Music downloaded from i-Tunes: $45.00

Five hour plane ride unable to hear the screaming children seated directly behind you: Priceless

A New Member Of The Posse

East Coast Alaska Girl has now become an official member of the Multi-State, Girlie-Advising Posse.

Seeing Ourselves

There are two people in my life right now who are dealing with the aftermath of ending relationships. I won't share details, (they are not mine to share), but the thing I find in common about these two women and their situations, is how much each are questioning themselves, not just in terms of the relationship, but their whole lives. Questioning and doubting.

What I find frustrating about this is that neither of them are able to see themselves the way I do. Both are funny, intelligent, beautiful, vibrant, sexy women who have so much to offer the world, and also to any man lucky enough to be worthy of them. They are both extraodinary human beings.*

If I can see that, why can't they.

*I am priviliged to surround myself with fantastic people who make me a better person because they are my friends.

An Open Letter To The US Press

Take two hours of your day, go to the movie theatre, and see Good Night and Good Luck. Pay very close attention to Murrow's speech at the beginning and end of the film. Take it to heart, and go put it into action.

The Fourth Estate exists to protect the governed from their government. We as citizens lack the access to our public officials to ask the questions that so desperately need to be asked. I cannot stand up and ask the President, point blank, whether intellegence was doctored to justify the invasion of Iraq, or whether he truly believes torture is an acceptable option to obtain information from prisoners.

I cannot advocate for a government that is accountable to the people. I cannot pry into the corners to assure that those in power are using that power responsibly. I cannot bring to task those who line their pockets at the expense of the lives and welfare of others.

You can.

And you must.

The Show Is Open

We opened Disney's Aladdin this evening. The show went off without a hitch, and the writing flaws not withstanding, the audience had a wonderful time.

Despite my maudlin posts over the past two weeks, the experience here with the staff at Children's Theatre Company has been one of utter delight. Everyone involved in the whole process has been positive, upbeat, co-operative and professional. My followspot operators were the best I have ever had. I have been spoiled. I would return here to do another show in a heartbeat.

The best part of all: They gave the elephant a bio in the program.

My Last Posts

The zoological nature of my last few posts does not in any way indicate a shift in the focus of The Lighting Designer's Life. I will soon post more whining drivel about my personal life (or lack thereof) and projeccts I am working on. Don't you worry.

Last Night

After some gut wrenching, soul searching debate, they decided not to cut the elephant from the show.

And last night, it danced. Shook it's money maker. Got down with it's own bad self.

I was giddy with delight.

Sometimes, you just need a dancing elephant.

Oddest Thing Seen In Minneapolis

A man walking through downtown at 9:oo AM carrying a 3 foot tall kangaroo.

I couldn't make that up if I tried.

Allright...

...so I was a little whiney this morning. Sorry bout that.

Random Wednesday Musings

I have not been posting much lately, not because I don't have anything to talk about, but because most of what is on my mind I don't really want to share with the general public.

The show had it's first preview last night. The audience seemed to love it. And the orchestra was fantastic.

It snowed here last night.

We had Rain Man driving our cab last night. "I'm an excellent driver."

Heard my first Christmas songs of the season on the radio. Surprisingly (sp?), I was not annoyed, but somewhat warmed by it.

I am feeling rootless, especially as the holidays approach. I have been walking by the Crate and Barrel every couple of days, and their displays all say "Gather and Prepare". I miss having people to gather with, to prepare for. I will spend Thanksgiving in California, and Christmas in Alaska, so it is not as if I would be around to do any preparing or gathering anyway, but I would like it to be an option*. Maybe I am just feeling lonely.

This will be the first Christmas in five years I have not spent with S.

A couple of months ago, Lucky Spinster asked me why I had never come to Wing Night, and my response was "Because I have never been invited." It came out way snottier than I had intended, so I had to explain. I was raised by a Southern woman, with Southern manners. You do not just show up somewhere without an invitation. It is not polite. LS proceeded to give me an open invitation to Wing Night (although she has now done away with it, that tease). I have been wondering lately if I would feel less lonely if I were more able to invite myself places. I just don't want to be that guy, you know?

* I have recieved two invitations for Thanksgiving. I just miss hosting large groups, spending a long day with people I love. The people I love either have family thay spend the holidays with, or they live out of town. And this foot note is turning into it's own post, so i will stop. I might expound on this more later.

Tooting My Own Horn*

I got a mention in a Potomac Stages review.

Production values are almost never mentioned in reviews in DC, so I am happy to have the mention at all.

And yes, I do design scenery as well.

* Does anyone else think that sounds dirty?

If I Were Inclined To Get A Graduate Degree

You Should Get a MFA (Masters of Fine Arts)

You're a blooming artistic talent, even if you aren't quite convinced. You'd make an incredible artist, photographer, or film maker.

What Advanced Degree Should You Get?

I Am Not Up To The Task

It is times like this I wish I was a better writer. If were, if I had the ability to articulate a point of view clearly, cleanly and concisely, I might be able to convince George W Bush that his thinking on pretty much every issue is completely incorrect.

Issue one: In a Vetran's Day speech yesterday, the President contended that the Democrats asking questions about whether or not his administration had used false intelligence to justify the invasion of Iraq was, "deeply irresponsible".

"The stakes in the global war on terror are too high, and the national interest is too important, for politicians to throw out false charges," Mr. Bush said. "These baseless attacks send the wrong signal to our troops and to an enemy that is questioning America's will. As our troops fight a ruthless enemy determined to destroy our way of life, they deserve to know that their elected leaders who voted to send them to war continue to stand behind them."*

Huh?

How is asking whether we have committed troops into harm's way on false pretenses in any way sending the message to our troops that their elected officials do not stand behind them? How do you spin that? To me, that seems to be the greatest show of support.

And let me say the thing that no other liberal seems to be willing to say out loud. For all the people on the extreme right posturing about "un patriotic Americans" who openly question the "war on terror", the President has committed the greatest unpatriotic act. He has lied to the American people, and the entire world community, and used our armed forces for purposes that have nothing to do with defending this country.

It is the President, and his administration, who are betraying the United States, by willfully disregarding the ideals we as a nation were founded on.

A note on this "ruthless enemy determined to destrory our way of life." Intelligent, college educated people do not fly planes into buildings over idealogical differences. This is not about not believing in the freedom of speech, or the protection against unwarranted search and seizure. It is not even about hatred of western religion. They do it because they live in a place being adversely effected by US policies, and violent action is the only way to get our attention. These are people who have suffered as few of us could comprehend, people who have watched economic sanctions starve their children. Who have seen the US meddle in their local affairs for no other reason than the protection of US financial interests. I do not condon the loss of innocent life, but it is time for us to realize that to a certain extent, we are simply reaping what we have sown.

The use of violent acts to attempt to change policy has a long history. There would be no Republic of Ireland except for armed resistance. And lest we forget, one of the events celebrated in history classes around the nation as a milestone in the US struggle for independance, the Boston Tea Party, was itself an act of terrorism.


There is much more to say on this, but it will have to wait

In Case You Were Wondering

Black velour is not a flattering fashion choice.

For anyone.

Things Accomplished Today

Finally found my stride at the theatre. Sleeping helps.

Made a decision about my conundrum.

Took a photo of the elephant costume in it's storage place off-stage right; flown up about eight feet off the deck.

Yes folks, we have flying elephants.

Why Is It

That my conundrum is far more clear when I am out of town?

Finding My Niche

I have been having trouble settling into a groove here. Normally, an assistant is either someone brought in by the designer, or someone with a staff position at the theatre. I am neither. I did not get the paperwork for the show until the day before I came here, so I don't have a firm grasp on the way the designer has organized her information. I am also unfamiliar with CTC's operating procedures, so I don't know what the dynamic usually is, or even where to go to get things (I was here for a whole day before I even knew how to get onto the stage).

The consequence of all of this is I have not been feeling on my game. And I hate that. While I am never sure of myself in almost any other aspect of my life, the one place I always feel like I know what I am doing is the theatre.

As City Mouse pointed out, it is probably good for me to get rattled around every once in a while. Keeps me honest, and hopefully softens that whole arrogant prick thing I have going.

The other odd thing about the situation here is that I have absolutely no emotional investment in the project. I am nervous about doing a good job, but that has more to do with where I am working and with whom. I am ambivilant about the show itself. I am working just to work and that is not a place I like to be.

And that is the reason I probably will never have a career in commercial theatre. I am not someone who can be passionate about just collecting a check. For me to be at my best, I have to have an emotional investment in the project as a whole, not just my part of it.

Perhaps that is why I really have not been feeling on my game here.

I May Convert To Scientology

Cause those Scientology women are hot.

At least the ones in Minneapolis.

Job Listing

In case you know anyone looking for a job, the Church of Scientology in downtown Minneapolis is hiring.

Why I Love My Job

This evening, while watching the run through of Aladdin, I got to watch two men in an elephant costume dance.

It just doesn't get any better than that.

Why I Now Hate Flying More.

As most of you know, I hate to fly, but my terror is generally confined to the take-off and landing portion of the exercise. Something like 95% of all air crashes occur during take-off and landing, so if I can get through that, I feel like I have pretty much beaten the odds (even my luck isn't that bad)

Now imagine you are on a flight to Chicago, cruising along at 28,000 feet (that's five miles above the surface of the earth). Now imagine the fasten seatbelt sign turns on and the plane suddenly dives down 14,000 feet in the span of about two minutes. Let me say that again.

The plane dives down 14,000 feet in the span of about two minutes. That's almost three miles.

Finally the pilot comes on the loudspeaker to tell us our sudden change in altitude was because they were unable to keep the cbin at pressure at the height we were travelling.

In plain English, what that means is there was a leak somehwere blowing the air out of the cabin.

Have I mentioned I hate to fly.

I am safe in Minneapolis, BTW.

Alaska Time Sucks

It always happens when I return from Alaska. I am stuck in that time zone, which would be fine, except that I have a show loading in in seven hours, and another that needs to go into the shop this week, and I will be crashing hard core in a few hours.

The other part of this that sucks is there is little to do at 5:00 AM other than work or sit about thinking. The things I am thinking about are my conundrum. The clarity I seemed to have while I was out of town has vanished like Angelina Jolie's thong*.

My posting may be a bit sparse the next couple of weeks. I leave Friday to work in Minneapolis for two weeks, and have a lot to do before then.

*I have no idea what the hell that even means.

On My Way Home

After almost three weeks in Juneau, I am finally on my way home. The show opened last night, and though there were a few technical hitches during the second act, the audience seemed to really enjoy themselves. I often have difficulty looking at my own work, but I was able to relax and take pleasure in both my work and everyone else’s.

ECAG and I went looking for bears yesterday. A momma bear with two cubs have been seen hanging around Mendenhall Glacier, so we headed out to the valley to see if we could spot them. We arrived to find a group of people staring across the road into the trees, and a park ranger preventing anyone from going up the trail. When we asked, we were told the bears had crossed the parking lot about an hour before we arrived, and they had gone up into a tree to take a nap. We waited for quite a while to see if they would re-emerge, but though I was able to see the movement of the mother in the trees, there was no bona fide bear sighting. Maybe next time.

Shame

One of the blogs I read regularly is Chairbourne Stranger, posted by a US serviceman stationed in Iraq. It has been interesting to get an insider’s perspective on the situation there, and although I have no idea who he is, I have begun to feel as if I know him somewhat.

So when I read this post, I almost cried. And then I became so angry I couldn’t speak. It is one thing for our nation’s armed forces to have to face the horrors of war in actions that protect the people of this country, but I know the invasion of Iraq has done nothing to make the world safer for US citizens. In fact it has done much to make it less so.

We as a nation are in the wrong. I know it is trite to use comparisons with the Nazis, but by our unwarranted invasion, that is the level we have sunk to. I am personally ashamed to be a citizen of the United States. And I am doubly ashamed that people such as this soldier have to experience the trauma of war for reasons not worthy of their sacrifice.

So for him, and all those who are fighting and dying in this horrible and meaningless war, I offer the following song from Eric Bogle.


Willy McBride

Well how do you do, young Willy McBride.
Do you mind if I sit here down by your graveside,
And rest here awhile, neath the warm summer sun,
I’ve been walking all day, and I’m nearly done.

And I see by your gravestone, you were only nineteen,
When you joined the brave fallen, in nineteen sixteen.
Well I hope you died well, and I hope you died clean
Or young Willy McBride, was it slow and obscene.

Did they beat the drum slowly, did they play the fife lowly,
Did they sound the death march as they lowered you down?
Did the band play the last post and chorus?
Did the pipes play the flowers of the forest?

Did you leave any wife, or a sweetheart behind?
In some faithful heart are you forever enshrined?
Although you died back in nineteen sixteen,
In that faithful heart, are you forever nineteen?

Or are you a stranger without even a name,
Enclosed there forever, behind a glass pane.
In an old photograph torn and battered and stained,
And faded to yellow in a brown leather frame.

Did they beat the drum slowly, did they play the fife lowly,
Did they sound the death march as they lowered you down?
Did the band play the last post and chorus?
Did the pipes play the flowers of the forest?

Oh the sun how it shines on the green fields of France.
There’s a warm summer breeze makes the red poppies dance.
See how the sun shines from under the clouds.
There’s no gas, no barbed wire, there’s no guns firing now.

But here in this graveyard it’s still no man’s land,
As the countless white crosses in mute witness stand,
To man’s blind indifference, to his fellow man,
To a whole generation that were butchered and damned.

Did they beat the drum slowly, did they play the fife lowly,
Did they sound the death march as they lowered you down?
Did the band play the last post and chorus?
Did the pipes play the flowers of the forest?

Now young Willy McBride, I can’t help wonder why.
Did all those who lie here know why they died?
Did they really believe, when they answered the calls,
Did they really believe, that this war would end wars?

For the sorrow, the suffering, the glory, the pain,
The killing and the dying, they were all done in vain.
For young Willy McBride, it’s all happened again.
And again and again and again and again.

Did they beat the drum slowly, did they play the fife lowly,
Did they sound the death march as they lowered you down?
Did the band play the last post and chorus?
Did the pipes play the flowers of the forest?



Peace.

Please.

Still No Bears

Although there was a picture of two in a tree on the front page of the Juneau newspaper yesterday. I am going to try and go out tommorrow to the glacier, where they seem to be hanging out.

Starting to second guess my clarity where my conundrum is concerned.

Though I don't have contracts yet, I have verbal agreements for two more shows here. Add that to the assisting work I have with D and a few other projects I have going (all but one of which are out of town), and by the middle of March I will have done fifteen shows this season.

Fifteen shows in seven and a half months. While I am certainly happy to have work, and to be actually making a living at what I love, it can be somewhat exhausting to be almost constantly in tech. Add to that the fact that I have to travel out of town so much to make a living, despite all the theatre being produced in DC, and it is small wonder I have trouble maintaining a personal life.

I am not complaining, really, just making an observation. I have no delusions about getting rich working in the theatre, but I do sometimes wish that individual gigs paid well enough that I could take fewer of them. Not that I know which ones I would turn down. I am excited about all of the projects i am on, so what is the answer? Maybe i just need to hire an asssistant.

I am babbling, and it is time to go back in the theatre.

Peace.

For Those Of You Wondering....

It is now snowing in Juneau, Alaska.

Quick Upate

Number of bears seen: 0

One member of the cast has now seen four.

I think they are hiding from me.

The Turning Point

Yesterday evening, I was tired and a little bit stressed. I was waiting to meet with P, the director for Twelfth Night, to do a little show and tell of the things we had to work with, and I was anxious about what his reaction would be. I was sitting in the lobby updating some paperwork, and suddenly I wanted to talk to someone. Someone who would listen and understand. But it was far too late to call.

And the person I wanted to call was not S.

Some of you may understand the degree to which the Universe has shifted.

In Other News

I seem to be figuring out my conundrum. The way ahead could be fraught with danger.

Confused?

Me not so much anymore. Now just nervous.

The Week So Far

I have spent the last few days getting all the lights hung, plugged in and tested. I have had a great crew here to help me out, all lined up for me by ECAG. Up until the end of today, I have been a little stressed about getting everything done. One piece of scenery proved to be more complicated than had originally been anticipated, and so I have had to wait for it to be done to move forward on my end of things.

Today we focused the show. As my regular readers know, I usually hate the whole focusing process. It never seems to go fast enough, no matter how good the crew is, and I spend most of the day second guessing the choices I have made. But as I have also been acting as Master Electrician on the show, I have been second guessing those choices for days now.

So the focus went great, the crew moved at a good speed, and I was able to see that what I was planning was indeed going to work. Now we just hope the director likes it. This is my first time working with him Designer to Director, so I have been somewhat nervous about whether he will like what I am doing, and some of my angst this week with the delays is the concern there would be no time to change anything if he looks at it and says, “Yeah, hate that.”

But life here has not been all work and no play. I went on a long hike yesterday with ECAG as we searched for bears. No bear sightings, but we did see the aforementioned porcupine, and some spectacular views on one of the old mine trails above downtown.

It rained for the first three days I was here, and by the end of Thursday I was like, “Why the hell do people live here.” But Friday morning I got up and headed out to the theatre, and the clouds had disappeared and the sun was out and I had that moment of, “Oh yeah, this is why.” Alaska is one of the most beautiful places I have ever been to. I am not nearly articulate enough to describe it, but Friday night, as I stood on the side of a mountain staring at a moon and stars that were closer and more real than any I had seen in my entire life, I saw such beauty that it was painful. You can’t imagine.

It is strange how easily I settle into being here. I really like the theatre, the town and the people. I have made friends here that I would consider visiting even if I were not coming for work. I have been told that part of the Artistic Director’s master plan is to get me to move here, and though I can’t imagine a scenario in which that would happen, a part of me knows there are far worse choices I could make.

I am rambling, and it is time to go to bed.

Peace In yer crease.

Oh yeah, the bonehead who robbed the bank here a few days ago.

Guy signed his name to the note he handed the teller.

Wildlife Sightings:

Eagles: 0
Bears: 0
Porcupines: 1
Drunken Juneau dwellers: Too many to count.

Very annoyed to have not seen any bears yet.

World's Dumbest Criminals

Yesterday, a bank in downtown Juneau was robbed.

Let us pause to consider this while we remember that there is no way to drive in or out of Juneau. And the town only has 32,000 people in it.

Where does this moron think he is going to go?

Juneau, Yet Again

Part 3: Juneau.

On the flight from Seattle to Juneau, I figured out why it is I hate that leg of the trip so much. It is not that it takes five and a half hours, but instead that you have to take off and land three times. I hate to fly because I hate take-off and landing, it scares the hell out of me. By the time the plane touches down at the Juneau airport, I would rather stay there than get on another plane ever again.

My flight got in at 7:15 PM local time (11:15 PM EST). ECAG met me at the airport with the costume designer, A, in tow. We made two quick stops to provision the two apartments the theatre had secured, one of which I would be staying in while I am here. Then we toodled off to the Hangar for some dinner. Fried calamari and a Woodchuck amber. MMMM.

I am still a day behind in my reporting, but I probably won't catch up anytime soon. A very long day tommorrow, and the beginning of tech looming I will try to post at least to say I have not yet been eaten by bears.

My happy thought for the day came early this morning upon checking my cell phone messages.

Peace in yer crease, ya'll.

To Juneau, Yet Again:

Part One: National Airport

It is only 6:30 AM and I am already annoyed.

I left the house at 5:15, having been up all night because first I couldn’t sleep and then, when I could, I was afraid I would oversleep. As I was lugging my bag and suitcase the five blocks to the metro station, one of the wheels on the suitcase (which I borrowed from the Vegetarian) came off. I proceeded to drag it the rest of the way, fairly certain the handle would be snapping off at any moment.

When I arrived at National Airport, I came off the elevator right at the Alaska Airlines check in station. On my three previous trips, I have used the electronic check in to print my boarding passes and enter my frequent flier number, and then dealt with the agents to check my bags. This morning, however, the people behind the counter were determined to help me through the whole process, so I handed over my ID and set the suitcase up on the scale.

“Your bag is over by about five pounds, sir.” Said the rather officious looking gentleman on the other side of the kiosk. “Is there something you can take out and put in your backpack?”

I now understood why it had felt like I was hauling around fifty pounds of dead weight behind me as I made my way to the airport.

“I have an empty box back here if you just want to check two items and distribute the weight.” Added the woman working with Officious Guy.

I started to pull the bag back off so I could figure out what five pound item I could remove and stick in my “backpack” (actually a soft briefcase, but what’s semantics when I am annoyed. Oh yeah, FUCKING EVERYTHING), when OC chimes in, “It’s a twenty five dollars overage fee, sir.”

“Well I don’t have twenty five dollars to give you.” I snapped back, choking down the remainder of my thought “So why don’t you STFU before I take this five pounds and stuff it down your throat.”

“Would you like the box sir?” asked Helpful Lady.

“That would be great.”

I pulled out some jeans, a few shirts and my camera and stuffed them in the box. I hastily filled out the ID tags for the luggage while Helpful Lady taped up my box. I got my boarding pass and headed for security.

I was so flustered by this experience that I forgot to have them do the whole frequent flier thing, so I am hoping I can get that dealt with at the help desk in Seattle. At the end of this trip, I will have flown on Alaska Airlines, since last November, enough miles to circumnavigate the globe. I am hoping to use those miles for free air travel so I can actually take a vacation next year. The bastards better give me my miles.

Part Two: Seattle

12:35 PM Local time. (3:35 EST) Much less annoyed.

The flight was delightfully uneventful. On a mostly full flight I had an empty seat between the woman sitting at the window and myself (I prefer aisle seats when flying), so there wasn’t the cramped sardine feeling one usually gets in coach. I slept for most of the almost five hour flight, waking up only when the beverage and food carts came trundling by.

I was awake long enough to notice the woman’s fabulous shoes and handbag.*

We actually arrived half an hour early in Seattle, so I was able to get my frequent flier miles adjusted. I spent about 45 minutes looking for a T-Mobile wi-fi** connection so I could check my email. In my quest, I discovered parts of the airport I had never seen before, including a series of columns with some very cool mosaic work on them. There is also a program here among the vendors that they will collect money for hurricane relief, and match every dollar donated. For whatever reason, that little bit of human compassion put me in a much better mood.

When I am traveling by myself, which is most of the time, I have found I retreat further into myself than usual. I am not sure why that is. I think it may be because I am somewhat obsessive about travel details, times, places, flight numbers, and I have a hard time feeling relaxed until I have made my last connection to wherever I am going. I probably just need to get my ass stranded somewhere and get over it. Just, not this trip.

Part 3 Tommorrow.

* And yes, I know this is why people think I'm gay. I'm OK with that. Flattered, in fact.

** I signed up for T-Mobile partly because of their nationwide coverage, especially in airports. So I am a little annoyed that their airport coverage seems confined to the first class lounges, especially when you can't swing a dead cat without hitting a Starbucks in Seatac.

I Am Here!

For those of you monitoring this for news of my health, I made it in to Juneau just fine. There are observations to share, but those will have to wait till later.

Peace in yer crease.

So....

It's a quarter of three in the AM, and because of my already whacked out sleep schedule, I am up. I have to leave for the airport in three hours to fly to rainy Juneau, Alaska, where I am designing Twelfth Night for Perseverance Theatre. I will be there for a little under three weeks.

I am excited about the gig, just dreading the 11 and a half hours on a plane it takes to get there.

This trip begins a stint of travel that will also include trips to Minneapolis, MN, to assist on a show for Beverley Emmons, and Lafayette, CA to design a new adaptation of Peter Pan. I have a week at home between each of these trips, but I am doing a show in the week I am back from Alaska, and the week back from Minneapolis is Thanksgiving. So I am effectivly away from home from tommorrow morning until the beginning of December.

It's not that I mind traveling for work, in fact it's one of the things I really love about what I do. But what is disheartening is that I have to travel in order to make a living as a designer in this town. This town, with all of the theatre that is produced here, cannot seem to provide more than a handful of people working as designers with a living wage. I know many actors and directors are in the same boat, but this is my blog, not theirs.

The other somewhat unfortunate thing about leaving now for two months is that I have begun things in my personal life that are now on hold for weeks at a time. And who knows what the situations will be like when I return. Because timing is everything in life.

I guess that is my fault really, for trying to have a personal life while trying to push a career, especially a career in the arts. I had been activly avoiding the whole personal life thing for a while, but sometimes things just move on their own, whether you want them to or not.

All of that movement has caught me off guard, and I am confused on several fronts. But those are tales best told at another time, if they ever are.

You didn't really think I was going to get through a blog post about myself without being cryptic, did you?

The things I am looking forward to in my travels, other than working on the shows:

Hanging out with ECAG in her new hood (that's right, I said hood)

Seeing Perseverance's new TD, a friend of mine from school.

Smoked salmon hash and eggs at the diner.

Hopefully seeing some bears before they go in to hibernate.

Catching up with Speed in Minneapolis.

New placemats from the San Fransisco Museum of Modern Art.

Seeing Brundibar at Brekley Rep.

Next time I post will probably be from Alaska.

Happy Trails

Yes, I Take Too Many Of These, But This Was Just Funny

Male Best Friend You scored 28 despair, 25 relationship potential, 100 feelings, and 100 patience

You're always there, you're nice, you're the shoulder to cry on, you get along just fine, why won't she/he date you? you're the "male best friend" DragonflyBlade21: A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 24% on despair You scored higher than 0% on potential You scored higher than 57% on feelings You scored higher than 48% on patience

Link: The Why Are You Single Test written by luminiscent on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

At Last, My Evil Genius Is Recognized! Bwaa Ha Haa!

TEH EBILEST You scored 79% Evil, 75% Violent, and 83 %Heartless!

You are so Evil, Cruel, and Heartless you are BEYOND evil overlord. Even the Evilest of evil overlords looks up to you and strives to be just like you. You are the definition of Evil Overlord and your picture should be right there beside the description in the dictionary. Now go out, gather your army, and lead them to destroy ALL!

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 80% on Evil You scored higher than 80% on Violent You scored higher than 80% on Heartless

Link: The Are you and Evil Overlord Test written by iirimarauko on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

More Mail For W.

Mr. President,

I am responding to an article in The Washington Post detailing the Senate's adoption of new limits on interrogation of detainees being held in US custody. In the article, it is reported that members of your administration, including the Vice President, had put pressure on Senate Republicans to prevent the restrictions, and that you are now threatening to veto the bill.

How is it that you and your administration do not know that the humane treatment of prisoners is the ONLY morally acceptable choice.

Mistreatment, either physical or psychological, is wrong. Under any circumstances. Just wrong. Period.

That you do not know that is just further proof of you unfitness to lead this nation.

Mr. President, I call once again for the resignation of you and your entire administration. You do not represent the leadership, political or moral, that we as a people expect of our President.

The Other Good Thing About Last Night

I got to hang out with the cast after the show, as well as Lucky Spinster and her Gentleman Caller.

Glad to see my Big Blog Sister happy.

Return To The Scene Of The Crime

I rarely see a show I have worked on after it has opened. I am generally too busy with other work anyways, and I find it difficult to look at my own work after I can't fix it any more. The few times I have been back to see my work, I can only see what isn't right, what I missed, or what isn't being done right by either the actors or the board-op/ stage manager.

So imagine my surprise when I went back to see Upshot last night over at Church Street Theatre. I knew they had been having really small houses, despite the great press the show has been getting, and I wanted to at least show my support for the incredible cast.

The show really held together, the cues (and the actors) were all in the right places, and I didn't see a thing that, given the same resources, I would change. I think it is some of the best work I have ever done, and it was a relief to see myself growing and moving forward as an artist.

If you haven't seen it, it is running through next weekend, and is well worth the trip. And not just for my work, but for the amazing work of all three cast members.

My Second Happy Thought For The Day

From Robert Fulghum's website:

"I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge -
That myth is more potent than history,
I believe that dreams are more powerful than facts -
That hope always triumphs over experience -
That laughter is the only cure for grief.
And I believe that love is stronger than death."

As for my first happy thought, that is a secret.

Synchronicity

Yes, I probably spelled the title wrong.

One of the things I love about this whole blog phenomenon, is even though I will probably never meet most of the people whose blogs I read, I seem to share a remarkable similarity with people regarding what we all hope, dream and fear.

I just read this post over at Waiter Rant. He reflects on the demons haunting him; fear of spending his life alone; wondering if his life has any meaning aside from mere existence. I know I wrestle with those same issues, and write about them on this blog ( although certainly with much less elegance*), and I see these same sentiments reflected in the blogs of others.

So the lesson is we are all in the same boat. We all want to live a peaceful life, have someone who loves us, and have an impact on the world beyond ourselves.

And for those of you who doubt that is the life you are living, I offer this old Suffi tale.

There was a man who lived a good life. The gods wanted to reward him for this and told the man they would grant him one wish. The man thought about it and then replied, "I would like to go through the world doing good for others and not know it."

The gods thought this was such a good idea, they granted this wish to everyone.

You have no idea the good you do in the world. Just try to give more positive energy than negative, and I promise it makes a difference. Even if it's just the comfort of knowing that someone else understands the way you feel.

Peace In Yer Crease.

* I am not fishing here. I long ago accepted that I was not good at everything I did. I am just fortunate to be good at the things I truly love.

I Worry About Myself Sometimes

I just got my latest I-tunes reciept, and noticed I purchased "I Will Always Love You". Yes, the Whitney Houston version. And I love the song.

It is not the most embarassing thing in the ole music collection, though. God willing, nothing will ever push out Kylie Minogue's Fever CD from that category.

What's the most embaressing thing in your music collection?

Shameless Plug

Print out this post to get $5 off the ticket price.

The World Premiere of

UpShot
by Ami Dayan

A darkly comedic story about a playwright who struggles to create a show about Earth’s last surviving human being. Things go ballistic when the “character” declares war on his creator’s world! A play about the power of creation in the face of destruction.

“To say Upshot is one cool piece of theatre would be accurate, but that statement alone would not do it justice... Unique ideas and presentation make Upstart a production you should include in your fall theatre plans.... more than worth a visit.”
--DC Theatre Reviews (www.dctheatrereviews.com)


“... the series of battles that ensue is heady fodder for the sort of viewer who wants to debate God vs. man, man vs. woman, art vs. life over a post-show espresso.”
--City Paper


“Forum Theatre-Dance, is continuing to present some fascinating experimental drama with their current Upshot... one hopes that the word gets around quickly to assure a successful run for this dynamic company. ”

“Shirley Serotsky shows the finest direction in her career...”
--AllArtsReview4U.com

October 6th – October 16th, 2005
Thursdays-Saturdays at 8pm / Sundays at 2pm

@ The Church Street Theater
1742 Church Street NW, Washington DC
Between 17th & 18th and Q & P Streets, N.W.
2 blocks from the Dupont Circle Metro Stop (Red Line)

director · Shirley Serotsky
featuring · Scott Graham, Jason Lott & Adrienne Nelson
designers · David C. Ghatan, Klyph Stanford, Michael Dove, Kenneth Gilbert, Austin Bragg, Benjamin Flaherty
stage management · Katie Clemmons
producers · Brent Lowder and Michael Dove

What Do You Know

Obi-Wan Kenobi You scored 78% wisdom, 33% aggression, 51% power, and 81% morality!

You are one of the wisest Jedi of them all, and have had a very eventful career full of failures and successes. You are a skilled fighter, having defeated many powerful opponents in your time. You are not overly aggressive, though. You are more reserved and collected. Your sense of morality is without question, and you are a model Jedi.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 58% on wisdom You scored higher than 22% on aggression You scored higher than 6% on power You scored higher than 66% on morality

Link: The Famous Jedi or Sith Test written by SarumantheMad on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Ups And Downs

I am not allowed to blog about it, but I had a really great time yesterday evening.

So that is the up.

The downs: S and I don't seem to have gotten past our big fight from last week. The conversations now are short, strained, and not about anything real. She is planning to return to New Orleans next week, and I am hoping that will make things better, as she gets back to the life that has been on hold since Katrina hit.

I am not sure I will get to see her before she leaves, and I must admit to being bothered by the fact that she has made no effort to come down from Frederick to see me. I have made the trip up there once, but she has been in the area since before the hurricane hit, and you would think she could find some way to get down here.

Of course I feel extremely selfish even expressing that thought. And I suppose I am.

The other down I can't even write about.

Well, maybe I can. I am wondering if someone has just disappeared from my life. And if they have, why.

Why I Am An Atheist

I have been trying to express this for a while now, and while it is not all there yet, I would like some feedback on this. A Warning: If you are deeply religious, you may find this somewhat offensive. It is not my intention to offend, but to illustrate my issues with religous ideas, and hopefully start a productive dialouge.

Here is my problem with the common Christian notion of God. We have this omnipotent being, who created mankind in his own image, endowed him with free will, and then cast him out of paradise for committing the sin of disobedience.

So we have this god who sits in judgment over his creation. Yet he sends his only son to die for their sins, because they are incapable of being worthy of salvation, of being morally perfect.

Let’s pause to consider this. God judges us, holds us to a standard we are incapable of obtaining because we were made imperfect. We were made imperfect by the same god who now measures our transgressions against him.

Say I build a clock. I choose the materials and craft it with my own hands. And say that clock fails to keep time, to behave in the way I expect it to. Do I have a right to be mad at the clock for it’s failure to meet my expectations, or should I instead be angry with the clock maker, i.e. me?

If we are truly incapable of achieving the moral perfection demanded by the Christian’s god, and need some outside savior, Jesus, to redeem us in the eyes of that god, then what is the fucking point of this entire exercise we call human existence? And if we needed this intermediary to obtain salvation, why did god wait so long to send him? Even if we accept the crackpot notion that the world is only a little over 5,000 years old, we have 3000 years of human existence before he got around to sending this savior, this “symbol of his unconditional love”. Am I the only one who thinks that’s a long time for people created by this supposed loving god to wait for their only chance of salvation?

This idea that god loves the world unconditionally also drives me nuts. If god truly loved his creations, we wouldn’t need a savior at all. The word “unconditional” means without prerequisites. I shouldn’t need to believe Jesus was the son of god to be saved, especially when I have been created to need salvation in the first place.

What do we need this god for, this god who judges us for failing to meet expectations we are incapable of living up to, because of the way he made us?

Some would argue that we have the capacity within ourselves to achieve this moral perfection, all we need is our discipline, our intellect, our introspection, and our reason. That mankind has within itself the means to this perfection, to redeem itself, as it were, I don’t argue. I believe it wholeheartedly. But if this is true, if we do have within ourselves the means to salvation, then what do we need god for?

And if god is operating under the clock worker model, building the world, winding it up and then leaving it to operate by itself, I question the need for god. If he is not willing to accept responsibility for the colossal fuck-up that is the human condition, then we certainly don’t need him.

Some would say the world was made perfectly, and mankind is what fucked it up. To that I would counter that the human race is not somehow magically separate from the rest of the world. We exist in it, and so if there is a god, he is responsible for what we have done to it.

I would like to believe there is a god, so I could confront him with the complete debacle he has created. And this is why I cannot accept the notion of a loving creator god. If there were such a god, empathy would be an innate human trait, not one that has to be learned.

There was an episode of Star Trek where one of the crew members died, and Data questioned Riker about why people had been more upset by Tasha Yar’s death than by the death of this crew member not many people had known. Riker responded “If we all felt the loss of those we don’t know as keenly as the loss of those we do, the history of humankind would have been entirely different."

Amen Brother.

Just Found This

A blog written by a US Serviceman stationed in Iraq. It makes for some interesting reading.

A Moment Of Silence

For the passing of playwright August Wilson.

How Correct (And Depressing) Is This?

I found this link at Love Is A Cunt

Do's and Don'ts of Cultivating and Maintaining a Platonic Friendship with a Woman You Would Otherwise Want To Have a Relationship With and Quite Possibly Marry.

Those of you who have ever been in this situation will get it.

How In The World...

Did it get to be October 1st?

Just yesterday it was March.

Flipping The Coin

Remember the movie Bandits with Bruce Willis and Billy Bob Thornton? I cannot remember the name of the woman who played the female lead, but in the movie her character falls for both Willis and Thornton’s characters. Unable to choose, she decides to try to be with both of them. We feel sorry for her because she is caught in an impossible situation, having to make an impossible choice.

Now, reverse that. Imagine it is a man torn between two women. You would never be able to make that a successful mainstream film. Everyone would tear it apart as a tale of a commitment phobic, double dealing asshole. Someone who wants to have his cake and eat it too.

Why is that? Why can we believe a woman can be torn equally between two men, but not the reverse? Do we really find it that impossible to fathom?

Is it possible, for either sex to have equal feelings about two different people at the same time?

I would love to hear from anyone who has been in this situation, and how, or if, it was resolved.

MMM… Insomnia

Thursday night I had a huge fight with my best friend. We don’t do that very often, and even though we smoothed things over yesterday, I was still emotionally overwrought. I went to bed at 11:00 PM, exhausted. I woke at 3:00 AM. I have been up ever since.

I have had bouts of insomnia for most of my adult life. They seem to be worse when I am A) single, and B) working from home/ studio. When I get like this, I try not to just lay in bed trying to sleep. I usually get up and do something, and I sometimes even manage to tire myself out so I can get back to sleep.

This is not turning out to be one of those times.

So while I am up, a few things I have been thinking about:

I am trying to articulate my position on the notion of god, and am having a great deal of difficulty getting it out in some way that makes sense.

I have been trying to improve my writing, because it bothers me I am not better able to communicate my thoughts.

I have come to realize I have been hiding behind my emotional intimacy with S. She is the person I have been sharing my mental and emotional inner life with for so long that I don’t feel the need to find someone else who I can share it with. For all my bitching about my loneliness, I am the one who has been standing in the way of finding someone to be with.

The above is a long winded way of saying I have figured out I am ready to be in a relationship again.

A few have commented about my cryptic-ness in the last couple of posts. Yeah, sorry bout that. Too many people I know read this thing.

No one should read anything into the above statement. I am just trying to keep a private thought private.

By the end of next week, I should have my website up and running. With pictures and everything. Stay tuned.

I have been thinking about doing the adspace thing here on the old blog. Has anyone else done this and what has been your experience?

I occasionally pose questions about relationships here at The Lighting Designer’s Life. By some of your responses, it seems some think these questions pertain to me directly. Rarely is that the case. I am something of a relationship philosopher, and so ask these questions to see what people think about different issues/ ideas. I am not trying to draw value judgments on people’s ideas, I just want to know what people think.

As a companion to that thought, my posts, particularly those with a more negative slant, are almost never the only way I think about a certain situation. I express the more negative aspects of my thoughts here so that I am not venting them in a non-productive way. So if you are reading this, and believe you see yourself in what I have to say, please don’t take it personally. It is just one side of how I feel about something.

So Much For The Clarity

And that is all I will say about that.

Confused?

Me too.

My Conundrum...

Is more murky and clearer all at the same time.

Love that.

Really.

And Sometimes I Am A Forgetful Asshole

After my post of yesterday, I would be remiss if I didn't say what an absolute delight all three cast members were to work with.

So Thanx, guys.